WIBU to talk to my son’s friend about personal hygiene

[ivegotdreadfulpmttoday]

My son’s friend comes to our house regularly and occasionally stays over. They are 15/16. He has terrible BO - I have asked him if he wants a shower when he is here but he says he isn’t comfortable showering anywhere but at home. I need to get the message across though. I spent a large part of yesterday washing everything he had sat on as he had left his smell on everything. The bed he slept on stank through a heavy mattress protector to the mattress. My son says the boys house is awful too. I don’t know if they have a washing machine. His mother has health problems. He is a very overweight boy so it’s not even as if he can “borrow “ some of my son’s clothes while I “accidentally “ wash his. WWYD?

Great suggestions so far but I see the mum has health issues etc but could you potentially speak to her? I would be so mortified and sad if that was my own son.
Obviously it depends on your relationship with her but sometimes people can just go "noseblind" so maybe she isn't entirely aware?

Sounds like there has been some sort of neglect going on when growing up and now being passed on to his adult ish life. Maybe he doesn't know that it's not normal as his life is normal for him at home not to wash clean ect. Please don't stop this child coming around as he may just need guidance in life and yes speak to the school to see if they can intervene....even the mum may needs help but just haven't been offered it. People are just awful saying don't let the child around.....some people just need help or support. Dislike selfish people.😡

@SuchAToDo you poor poor thing

I have to say this also crossed my mind. Because saying he’s only comfortable showering at home, when he’s clearly not showering there at all is a bit strange.

Please don’t do anything to humiliate him. I can’t believe people are suggesting banning the guy or telling him he stinks... how cruel.

I like the ideas of the casual washing machine loading, but maybe if you feel you are close enough a private sensitive talk might be in order... so hard to tell whether it will help or humiliate though

There was a girl in my class at school who had a really bad BO problem - two of my friends went to the school nurse to tell them about it. The girl had a note in the register to go and see school nurse- no mention of what it was about - and never smelled after that.

If the school has that sort of facility it would definitely be worth trying, and they'll be sensitive and discreet about it. Poor kid.

Op, can I just say - as a child I was abused very badly my personal hygiene was appalling. I didn’t shower for days if not weeks. People suggested I shower at theirs or washed my clothes for me. I actually had no idea of how bad I must have stunk/looked I always refused as I was not comfortable with showering period! He needs help but not humiliating the poor boy. He’s probably already getting bullied at school & your son may well be one of the only friends he has. I would certainly tell the school or ask his mum if she needs any help. You are happy to look into home help for her x

There were 3 siblings like this at my secondary school an it was pretty well known that their father wasn’t “very nice” and there was drinking and some domestic abuse.

Years later (recently) he admitted and was found guilty of a horrific unsolved murder of a young girl in the city (while we were at school) and he had been walking around freely and unidentified for over 30 years.

Was awful when I realised whose father he was.

You never know what’s going on behind closed doors (not that I am suggesting this is the same!).

Oh poor kid, some of you poster should be ashamed of yourselves.
It's going to be embarrassing all round but a discreet word and offers of help would hopefully be gratefully received. Also how lovely of your son to try and help. Or a chat with school if you are too embarrassed.
You could buy some clothes and say an elderly aunt bought them for ds with no receipt, etc. He may well guess you bought them but it saves face really.

i woudl speak to school, they can take it up with school nurse

Our son and his friends are very blunt with each other. I'll tell my son to say something.
I personally would have said something by now if he is a close friend.
I would see it as he is like a son to me I'll tell him will be coming from love.
Do you talk to his Mum at all? Teenagers are notoriously stinky if they don't shower regularly but looks like they have other issues too.

"Phew! There's a stink in here! When did you boys last shower and put clean clothes on?"

DS will say, "This morning", as will his other mates, including the poor boy. But maybe, just maybe, he'll get the message that it's usual for people shower every day.

He may have been brought up with poor personal hygiene and have no idea how often other people shower.

I wouldn't single him out but it's ok to say something aimed at a group...I think?

Oh god, this is me with my stepchildren. I've tried everything to sort them out. Even got the school pastoral involved(who did nothing, the kids begged the school not to speak to mum as they're scared of her). You can smell them in the next room. You have my sympathies.

At the group yes. Individually hell no.

My approach came from my own background, how I hated being singled out. I knew I stunk. I didn't need another adult telling me I stunk. There was so much going on in my life that I couldn't tell because I didn't know who to trust.

Its easy telling kids to tell an adult. But what about when the child doesn't trust adults? Some of these kids just about trust any mates they have.

Their mates are always treated as part of the family.

Stormbaby who do the children mainly stay with?

@ffswhatnext they are with mum Mon to Fri and us every weekend. They are bullied at school because they smell(other kids have been spraying them and running away laughing). They never brush their teeth or change underwear. Social services have been notified numerous times and don't care. 😭

Then why doesn't he have them with him?