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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel resentment towards husband over his hobby

60 replies

dolly85 · 26/10/2019 23:24

My husband runs and trains 2 evenings a week. On the days he's training he leaves the house at 7am and comes home at 9pm shower and then dinner and bed. He also works away on average one night per week.

There is a big race coming up and he is doing it. He has now increased his days training to 3 evenings a week. On top of this he has been out 2 Saturdays in a row with friends. We have 3 small children (2 under 3). To top this off he is away with work for a week then he has the race followed by a night out with the people in his club and then he's off for 3 nights with work again.

I get the work trips cannot be helped so I understand them but the nights out and the increased training is really making me resent him at the moment. It doesn't help that sometimes when he's busy in work he'll often come home and have a moan about how he didn't get to the gym that day yet shows no empathy to the fact that I don't have options to go to the gym on my lunch as my lunch usually consists of grabbing something quick whilst trying to get the two younger dc fed before we pick our older dc up from school.

Im still on maternity leave and but will be returning to work soon on a part time basis but it will involve 12 hour shifts and Im worried how i'm going to manage. I struggle to do anything for myself out of the home due to him training/working away as I cannot commit to one day a week.

When I address how I feel with him he makes out Im unreasonable and how other people in the club he's in are out a lot more. I suggested he train in the mornings before work but no that doesn't suit him as he'd have to get up earlier.

AIBU about this?

OP posts:
BeesKnees4 · 26/10/2019 23:25

Cycling? Just a guess?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/10/2019 23:27

@BeesKnees4 it literally says in the first line what he does!

YANBU at all OP - he needs to start pulling his weight.

Celebelly · 26/10/2019 23:28

YANBU. Tell him he can take that time, as long as you get the same time to pursue one of your hobbies. That's fair, right? He can't really argue against that.

Wallywobbles · 26/10/2019 23:29

No totally reasonable. Over the last month how many bedtimes/nights has he been away? I'd want to go back to work and make sure he gives some thought to how he's going to pick up the slack. There's a time in life for competitions and small DC isn't it.

Waveysnail · 26/10/2019 23:30

Either he does morning training or I'd be having a serious chat

BanginChoons · 26/10/2019 23:31

I would play him at his own game. Every evening he isn't training just up and out, leaving him with the kids. Don't ask him, just go. If this doesn't male him change his ways then nothing will so I'd get rid. There is no room for selfishness in raising children and single parenthood is nothing to be afraid of.

Majorcollywobble · 26/10/2019 23:31

YANBU
He has to get up earlier to train as you sensibly suggested - otherwise his commitment to training and his family are both in question.

Londonmummy66 · 26/10/2019 23:31

If he is out all day on a Saturday he needs to be on childcare duty all day on a Sunday and 2 nights a week when he isn't working away. You need to leave the house and go to the gym or whatever and leave him to get one with it.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/10/2019 23:31

He's being completely unreasonable in not ensuring that you have sufficient time to yourself and support. He's taking all the available free time to himself and using you to care for his children while doing it. He is exploiting bullshit stereotypes about women being controlling and not 'allowing' men out to make you feel guilty and shut down any reasonable discussion.

He's a selfish prick, in short.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 26/10/2019 23:33

Runners get addicted! My husband runs but he does an incredibly stressful job and it helps hiM Unwind, keep sane, stay slim. Win win for everyone! But he used to do it daily and had to cut bac once he got a wife and babies.
It did Still grate when the kids were tiny. I had to say ‘go now or not at all’ and made him stay here for bath time/bedtime and do his stuff before (unlikely as worked late) or after. I wasn’t prepared to be a single parent.

Don’t stop the healthy habit, just give parameters within which you are prepared to accommodate it.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 26/10/2019 23:34

he makes out Im unreasonable and how other people in the club he's in are out a lot more.

When he comes out with that nugget again, just ask him if he’s saying he actually wants to be even more selfish than he is now.

Wheredidigowrongggggg · 26/10/2019 23:34

Ps no, yanbu.

Elieza · 26/10/2019 23:34

Way I see it is he works all day (At his job) and you work all day (childcare) The evenings you should take turns at child care. Or you will never get any time off.

Tell him that and also that you will be going out two nights a week, which two would he prefer? If he can’t give you what nights just pick them and go out, even just for a walk or whatever. Or join a club or the gym too. Your life shouldn’t be over because you chose to have dc. He’s 50% responsible so he should be 50% responsible for evening childcare.
Once you return to work he will have to knuckle down so starting now will get him set for that. Especially if he doesn’t look after the dc much as he will need the experience before you are away on shifts potentially unable to answer the phone if he has a problem.

Weenurse · 26/10/2019 23:34

Sit him down, non judgmental, and plan together how the DC are going to be cared for.
‘What do you suggest?’ Is a good opening statement.
Don’t let it all be pushed back on you to sort.

BanginChoons · 26/10/2019 23:36

I wasn’t prepared to be a single parent.

You weren't being a single parent, regardless how much sport/training he did.

KristinaM · 26/10/2019 23:36

What they said. Make sure you take the same amount of time for your own hobbies. I don’t care if your hobby is sitting in Costa with a magazine, it’s your time to yourself.

Words will have no effect here, you need action.

When you go back to work you will both need to draw up a rota for housework and childcare. Don’t become the default parents / housemaid.

Shagged · 26/10/2019 23:39

I would suggest to him that he comes straight home after work, helps with the DC's bath & bed routine and then goes out for a run if he has the energy

I agree that being out from 7am til 9pm several evenings a week is unreasonable (and I'm a runner!)

BubblesBuddy · 26/10/2019 23:39

We have known a couple of men like this. It’s actually an addiction. One died doing his running! It was totally over the top. He did the swimming and cycling as well. It will come down to what he values more: you and his family or his training. What made you have DC with this selfish man in the first place? If he cannot understand that there is a problem then he’s a massive failure as a DH and a Dad.

Original poster
dolly85 · 26/10/2019 23:40

Thank you everyone just really needing a massive rant. Hearing how he is going to bed early the week of the big race. I know its the least of my issues here but he doesn't even want sex with me in the week of a big race again not a big deal but really makes me feel second.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 26/10/2019 23:40

You need to ask him who he’s going to get to babysit when he’s out at his running as evenings have to be shared... when he asked what you mean you explain that as a father he can’t just leave his children home alone

Nights out or training need to be on the calendar and this can only be done 7 days prior to the event

Get yourself a hobby and some nights out with friends

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2019 23:45

Your husband is totally taking the piss and I find it hard to believe that you didn't already know how fucking selfish he is before you had children. I wouldn't tolerate this bullshit for a minute. He thinks of you as the skivvy.

littlebillie · 26/10/2019 23:45

This smacks of midlife crisis

MonsterMashedSpud · 26/10/2019 23:51

You may as well call yourself a single parent.

ivykaty44 · 26/10/2019 23:56

As a single parent OP would get EOW free and a midweek evening...

Notajogger · 26/10/2019 23:59

I'd want to go back to work and make sure he gives some thought to how he's going to pick up the slack. There's a time in life for competitions and small DC isn't it.

This. And what everyone else said. He sounds like he has no clue.