AIBU to feel resentment towards husband over his hobby

[dolly85]

My husband runs and trains 2 evenings a week. On the days he's training he leaves the house at 7am and comes home at 9pm shower and then dinner and bed. He also works away on average one night per week.

There is a big race coming up and he is doing it. He has now increased his days training to 3 evenings a week. On top of this he has been out 2 Saturdays in a row with friends. We have 3 small children (2 under 3). To top this off he is away with work for a week then he has the race followed by a night out with the people in his club and then he's off for 3 nights with work again.

I get the work trips cannot be helped so I understand them but the nights out and the increased training is really making me resent him at the moment. It doesn't help that sometimes when he's busy in work he'll often come home and have a moan about how he didn't get to the gym that day yet shows no empathy to the fact that I don't have options to go to the gym on my lunch as my lunch usually consists of grabbing something quick whilst trying to get the two younger dc fed before we pick our older dc up from school.

Im still on maternity leave and but will be returning to work soon on a part time basis but it will involve 12 hour shifts and Im worried how i'm going to manage. I struggle to do anything for myself out of the home due to him training/working away as I cannot commit to one day a week.

When I address how I feel with him he makes out Im unreasonable and how other people in the club he's in are out a lot more. I suggested he train in the mornings before work but no that doesn't suit him as he'd have to get up earlier.

AIBU about this?

Fuck that shit, OP. Your DH is a ‘family dodger’, it’s sadly rife. V selfish and entitled men who have a hobby that takes priority over their family commitments. Don’t accept it. Your DH is a knob.

If he works away regularly, does he take his running stuff with him? If he’s not at home anyway he could run as much as he liked without missing any more evenings at home, if he waits til he gets home then he’s just a “family responsibilities dodger”. Running is the easiest hobby to fit into family life, no bulky equipment, you can do it pretty much anywhere, do it early morning, lunchtime, when the children are in bed, even back and forward to work if distance allows, or maybe commute by cycling to work on general fitness.
Agree with PP’s a calendar is the way to go, have your coat on ready to go out on “your time” when he gets in doesn’t matter where you go, just go out of the house.

not a big deal but really makes me feel second

There's no way to say this gently - you and your DCs are second. Second to his running, second to his sense of entitlement to do exactly as he wants when he wants, second to, well, him. That means that you need to put yourself, as well as the DCs, first, because he's not going to.

Take time for yourself, give yourself a break. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

I am a single parent myself, Whatwouldbigfatfannydo, (and formerly married to a running freak, funny enough). I know what I am talking about when I remark that the OP can claim to be a single parent. This man is not carrying any of the load of family life.

I would tell him the other people in the clubs are even more selfish twats than he is. You don’t give a shit what they do, you’re talking about him opting out of his family.

It might be that after his event he reduces the training massively. Is it an ultra he's training for? Not saying it's ok but that could be why .

Is it an ultra he's training for?

Seriously, who gives a shit? All these bullshit man-hobbies are just ways for men to dump all childcare and housework on the person who is supposed to be their partner. From what I've read on MN, there seems to be so many men like this one, who treat their wife like the hired help.

And I don't agree that the OP buggering off to do a made up hobby whenever he returns makes everything OK. Presumably, she wants to spend time as a family.

It doesn't matter what the event is.

He decided to do it with no negotiation over time and effort and commitment or what all of that would mean in reality to the person whose partner in family life he is supposed to be.

Maybe he is one of those men who don't consider taking care of home and children to be work, so if a wife is on mat leave this means she spends all her time at home painting her toenails and stuffing her face with bonbons while he is off busting his ass at 'work'? Usually men like this are men who have never once spent a week in sole charge of one of their own offspring.

Get the calendar out and highlight every day he's not at home, so the two days per week, the races, the trips out with friends. Physically show him the month ahead or if easier, the previous month, so that he has a visual representation of the selfish.
Ask if he sees an issue? Explain that it's not a fair distribution of the work with 3 children and ask for suggestions.
Depending on what you want, it would be handy to have some suggestions e.g. hed out one night, you're out the next night. I don't think it's fair that you have to fit on around his schedule. Does he have set nights for his hobby e.g. Monday and Wednesday? If so could you then say Tuesday and Thursday are your evenings and he finds childcare for those days if social or hobby events come up?

I agree with setting up a plan for your return to work or you'll be doing more shit work.

Do you spend time together as a couple or family? Does he pull his weight when he is home?

He is so selfish! But he is definitely not going to change by himself, he has a great life!!!

How would he be if you left the children with him all day long, would he manage? If not then things are very unbalanced and he needs to be able to manage for when you drop dead from exhaustion.

All the hard work aside, he is missing everything!

You and your children deserve a lot better, if he diverted all this energy in to your family, you might feel more appreciated. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Best of luck.