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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel resentment towards husband over his hobby

60 replies

dolly85 · 26/10/2019 23:24

My husband runs and trains 2 evenings a week. On the days he's training he leaves the house at 7am and comes home at 9pm shower and then dinner and bed. He also works away on average one night per week.

There is a big race coming up and he is doing it. He has now increased his days training to 3 evenings a week. On top of this he has been out 2 Saturdays in a row with friends. We have 3 small children (2 under 3). To top this off he is away with work for a week then he has the race followed by a night out with the people in his club and then he's off for 3 nights with work again.

I get the work trips cannot be helped so I understand them but the nights out and the increased training is really making me resent him at the moment. It doesn't help that sometimes when he's busy in work he'll often come home and have a moan about how he didn't get to the gym that day yet shows no empathy to the fact that I don't have options to go to the gym on my lunch as my lunch usually consists of grabbing something quick whilst trying to get the two younger dc fed before we pick our older dc up from school.

Im still on maternity leave and but will be returning to work soon on a part time basis but it will involve 12 hour shifts and Im worried how i'm going to manage. I struggle to do anything for myself out of the home due to him training/working away as I cannot commit to one day a week.

When I address how I feel with him he makes out Im unreasonable and how other people in the club he's in are out a lot more. I suggested he train in the mornings before work but no that doesn't suit him as he'd have to get up earlier.

AIBU about this?

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 27/10/2019 00:01

He's taking the piss and being completely unfair to you.

DeeCeeCherry · 27/10/2019 00:04

Your H has absented himself from a family life with you - Sit him down tell him its not on & you're not having it. Put forward your concerns about going back to work routine.Tell him you also want leisure time.

If he doesn't want to know he may as well fuck off. You're stuck home as you've 2 DCs so he knows his chief cook, bottle washer, organiser & housekeeper is always just where he wants her.

I couldn't be asked with a man/relationship like this. It's boring, life's too short, there are other options.

After all you're going it alone now anyway.

When he's too old for his hobby he'll be under your feet and a demanding pain in the arse.

ExcitedForFuture · 27/10/2019 00:04

YANBU. He has to priortise his wife and children, not his sodding hobby. Why does he get to fuck off out whenever he wants and you get nothing! Tell him he'll have to give up his precious hobby when he has to care for his DCs alone after you leave him, see what he says to that.

StickAForkInMe15 · 27/10/2019 00:13

As a single parent OP would get EOW free and a midweek evening I wish people wouldn't come out with this bullshit. He can't be arsed to do that now, he's hardly going to give up 2 full weekends a month.

Many single parents have no breaks. They also don't have their partner to split finances etc with. Many don't get maintenance. Nobody can say op is anything like a single parent now becausr she isn't.

StickAForkInMe15 · 27/10/2019 00:14

Tell him he'll have to give up his precious hobby when he has to care for his DCs alone after you leave him, see what he says to that You can tell him that if you like but he doesn't have to give up anything when you split. Many non resident parents can't be bothered and there's no consequence for that.

rainingallday · 27/10/2019 00:15

Why do (married men with children) ALWAYS seem to have these 'hobbies' that take them away from the home, and ALL responsibilities?!

Hmmmmmm, what a conundrum.

Imagine if WOMEN (the mothers of the children) did the same.

Do you think MEN would be OK with that? Hmm

Honestly, the amount of utter fucking shit women have to put up with from MEN really boils my piss! Angry

cometothinkofit · 27/10/2019 00:16

He's a selfish git.

He says others run a lot more than he does. And just how many other people in his club have a job that takes them away from home for days at a time, three small children, two of whom are aged 2 and under, and a wife run ragged & still on maternity leave, who gets zero time to herself?

A marriage should be an equal partnership. By all means have x hours for his hobby, but he needs to accept that you need the same number of hours 'off duty' as well.

dodobookends · 27/10/2019 00:18

He seems to think that you are there to facilitate his life.

LagunaBubbles · 27/10/2019 00:20

Cycling? Just a guess?

Guess you never actually read the very first line of the post then?

OP yanbu. My DH runs, it helps his mental health to as well as keeping fit. However he's not out like your DH and our kids are older now.

rainingallday · 27/10/2019 00:22

@DeeCeeCherry

When he's too old for his hobby he'll be under your feet and a demanding pain in the arse.

This exactly! ^

Funny really, men take up these hobbies that take them away from their family commitments (and lay it all at the feet of the mother of the children,) and then when the kids have left home, they suddenly decide to stay at home a lot more then, getting underfoot, hogging the TV all day, and doing fuck-all around the house.

Then they wonder why their (adult) children don't want much to do with them, and their wife of 20-30 years wants a divorce.

Because for the last quarter century, as a father and a husband, you've been as much use as a fucking chocolate fireguard.

1Morewineplease · 27/10/2019 00:22

I’m with pp here.. he is addicted to running and has absolved himself of normal family life.
You both need to talk.
Supporting a partner’s hobby is one thing but leaving a partner to deal with family life is another.
Sorry OP.

Eemamc · 27/10/2019 00:23

My husband has just trained for and run a marathon, now in training for the London marathon. What on earth is your DH training for? He seems to be training a hell of a lot more than my DH, and here I was thinking marathons were a pretty substantial distance. DH quite often trains once LO is in bed, and towards the end it was a few hours on a weekend day for his long, but certainly not the time commitment you’re describing. Lots of time to still be a fully functioning dad and husband... in fact, he has way more energy than from before he started training, so actually more housework and time with our daughter than before, which I’m obviously not complaining about!

Nat6999 · 27/10/2019 00:23

I would come down with "something" that left me bed bound for a couple of weeks & see how he copes with the house, kids & everything else that needs doing. Or find a sick relative that means you have to go away to look after for a couple of weeks.

Italiangreyhound · 27/10/2019 00:24

YANBU, he sounds like a selfish sod. My husband also likes running but does it weekend mornings and at work (lunch break).

I'd just tell him you want equal time off as he gets. Find yourself a hobby and pursue it.

Has he always been like this?

ferndance · 27/10/2019 00:30

Agree with pps op. Even if your hobby is driving to the supermarket, buying a magazine and chocolate then staying in the car park for a few hours.

He's incredibly selfish.

CactusAndCacti · 27/10/2019 00:34

YANBU, I wonder though if he actually realises what is involved with 3 and how difficult it can be especially in the evenings, 3 small ones is a vast difference from 2 small ones. He probably doesn't appreciate that the phase 'trying to push water up a hill' was made for dealing with 3+ children at tea time / bedtime.

I agree with others, you need to literally dump it on him and let him experience how difficult it is, then he may be more understanding.

mathanxiety · 27/10/2019 00:42

he makes out Im unreasonable and how other people in the club he's in are out a lot more.

Tell him that thanks to being a single parent you don't have time to even be in a fucking club.

Then show him a calendar you have already created, with his time for himself and his training and sport and your time for yourself/training/gym/picking your nose highlighted.

blowmybarnacles · 27/10/2019 01:05

I would come down with "something" that left me bed bound for a couple of weeks & see how he copes with the house, kids & everything else that needs doing

But he will just bombard the OP with questions. I recall being ill asleep and 'P' waking me up asking what to feed his own child.

You have to be out of the house and phone off. Hopefully he won't be like my "p" who can't be trusted to administer calpol.

Ilady · 27/10/2019 01:14

It's hard work being at home all day with 3 small children. Your husband is being totally unreasonable with the amount of time he is out running not to mention all the weekend's away at running events.
You need to tell him that you no longer willing to mind the children all day and every evening/weekend when he is out running. Tell him the running weekends are going to stop also because he is needed at home.
I would tell him for every night he goes out running he can mind the kids the following night as you need a brake.
I would also tell him that once you go back to part time work of 12 hour days he needs to be around in the evenings.
If he refuses to listen to you and steps up to mind his own kids I would find a sick relative that needs your help for a few days and leave him to mind his kids.

ILearnedItFromABook · 27/10/2019 01:17

If he wanted to have these children, he needs to be more closely involved in their lives and upbringing. I'd remind him of that.

Someone up-thread mentioned a calendar. I'd fill one in to show him exactly how little time he's currently spending with you and the children. He can have a hobby without it taking over his life.

Does he really want his children to grow up thinking that he cares more about running than them? Does he really want you to feel that you're less important than his runner's high?

57Varieties · 27/10/2019 01:32

YANBU. what is it about (some) men and hobbies? Mine would be the same btw in all likelihood but for the fact he works most weekends. But I’ve still had family/friends when he’s done events going on about how great he is and I’ve just come out and said how great I am for looking after his kids so he can get out and do it. Soon shuts them up.

The nights he’s not training you go out and leave him to it. Even if you’re just going to a drive through Starbucks and sitting with a coffee and your kindle in the car. Screw him and his poxy race, selfish prick.

Salene · 27/10/2019 01:39

I run a lot but I get up at 4.30/5am to go before work when husband and children are asleep so it doesn't effect my time with them. Can't he do the same.?? He can do his exercise before work.

Avenilson · 27/10/2019 01:55

I run a lot but I get up at 4.30/5am to go before work when husband and children are asleep so it doesn't effect my time with them

This is exactly it. My husband wants to be a gym bunny 3 times a week and so I said to him when exactly do you see your kids, no it doesn't work, if you want to go so bad, get up at 5.30 / 6am and do it then. He did for a year and has given up for a 'break' from getting up early. You just can't live that life when you have 3 kids who want to see you.

user764329056 · 27/10/2019 01:19

Way too one-sided, where is your time off?

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 27/10/2019 01:21

He's being shit..but you are nowhere near being a single parent Hmm

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