Dad not paid his share for college trip - advice?

[GreatOak]

DS18 is due to go on his first (and only) school/college trip to NY in December. The trip came up in January. Through txts, Dad and I agreed to split the installments between us so that we would end up paying the same amount, and DS would pay the remaining amount (he has a part-time job and has saved up, bless him).

To provide a short background, his Dad and I have long been separated: DS lives half with Dad&SM and half with me/OH. Because Dad's half-week is Mon/Tue, Wed, Thu, I still pay a large amount (over what I should) to him in child support* every month.

Anyway, I've paid my two installments, but Dad has not paid his. He missed both deadlines for his two payment installments. When he missed the first one I questioned him about it (through txts) and he fobbed with off with some guff about paying it, but the payment not registering - when I phoned the college they confirmed that this was not true: Dad hasn't paid his share. The trip is now six weeks away and there's a large outstanding balance still to pay, meaning DS might not get to go at all. Do I confront Dad again (this never ends well)? Or do I simply stop my child support payments* to Dad for a couple of months (they are not court-ordered) and pay the balance of the NY trip instead?

*I understand that I must keep paying child support until DS leaves full-time education and I'm OK with that; however, Dad doesn't pay for DS’s meals at college, buy him clothes or shoes, textbooks or college fees (I had to pay them last time). Additionally, SM asked me to contribute half the cost of DS's bus pass (which I agreed to), and I provide DS with a small allowance each month. DS lives with me for half the week and so Dad & I are equally paying for his room & board, food. I think I do all DS's washing, he seems to bring it all with him on Friday from his Dad's. Dad recently bought a brand-new Lexus so I know he's not strapped for cash. I don't feel at all inclined to simply pay the rest of the money for the trip on his Dad's behalf, without taking it back in some way... but... AIBU?

Bring it up with him. Do you still have the texts? That’s awful if your DS has worked and saved for his share of it.

Has your son asked his dad about the money left to pay?

It’s very unfair that your son could miss out, I would message or speak to him and say that it’s unfair on son and balance needs to be paid by end of week if not you will pay it instead of paying cm to him for the next couple of months.

If custody is 50/50 why are you paying child support?

I would text the dad and tell him that you will cut out the middle man and pay the child support to the school to cover his share of the costs. Tell him you cannot risk your son losing his place and monies already paid to be forfeited.

I wouldn't engage with him beyond that.

If you have your son 50/50 why are you paying maintenance at all?

I would tell your ex you will pay the rest of the trip out of the money you normally give him just to save any more confusion and that means your son can go to NY. I wouldn't faff about with toing and froing trying to be reasonable.

At 18 your son is old enough for you to tell him that he has to talk to his dad.

You could easily explain the financial agreement in place means you don't have the cash to cover his dad's missing payments.

And yes, if that fails tell your ex that you wil be using the CS to over the trip costs.

I don’t understand why you’re paying child support if custody is 50/50 either. It sounds like you pay over your fair share of necessities so what exactly are you paying child support for? I would definitely be withdrawing it straight away as there’s no need for you to be paying for your son both when he’s with you and when he’s with his Dad if the week is split 50/50. It doesn’t sound like his Dad is hard up.

As your son is 18 I would also just tell him that hisDad hasn’t paid his half yet and ask him to start pestering him to pay it - that will likely be more effective than you trying to get involved.

I don't think it is fair to have the lad involved i think the op doesn't want her son stuck in the middle of a fight about his trip poor kid will end up feeling guilty.

It sounds unusual to have one parent pay maintenance for 50:50 custody.

If the maintenance is not court ordered, it seems reasonable that you pay the balance, then tell your ex that you have paid the college direct as he was having technical issues with it, and it’s in lieu of maintenance this month.

Another asking why you're paying your ex money when you have your son 50:50?

Sounds reasonable to me. I would probably let him know in advance though.

"I have checked with school and trip balance is still outstanding To save any more technical difficulties with bank I will pay your child support directly to school to cover school trip as it works fine for me and we dont want ds to lose spot."

I don't think it is fair to have the lad involved i think the op doesn't want her son stuck in the middle of a fight about his trip poor kid will end up feeling guilty. He's 18! Old enough for a short explanation.

I didn't say OP should tell him all the ins and outs just that as she already pays CS she can't afford to cover his dad's portion of the trip. Why should his dad get to fuck things up and OP carry the can emotionally and financially?

i don't get the cm thing either, you share time with ex, tbh if i was ex i'd see you as a bit of a cash machine, unless there is a back story.

I would stop maintenance pay for the trip and let him go to CMS to restart claiming maintenance from you. Will be interesting to see how much he is awarded when care is 50:50...

Why the hell are you paying for so much when it's 50/50??

I would pay for the trip and stop all maintenance anyway, they are big time taking the piss

Like others have said I don't understand why you're paying child support.

With the current situation I'd just text him and say 'as your share is outstanding shall I pay it instead of giving you CS' and see what he says. If he still doesn't pay it then go ahead and do that.

mybear fgs the lad is 18 not 8, he wears big boy pants and unless there is something op isn't telling us, will be capable of understanding dad is not paying so ds doesn't need to be protected from anything.

Stop paying child support! surely if he has lunch at school (which you pay for) he is eating more meals at yours over the weekend and board and bills are equal both sides.
Tell his Dad that the CM is going on the trip and that after reviewing finances you are stopping it competely after xmas.

Stop the payments and blame the same technical difficulties with the bank as he had. He can make payments oh dear nor can you. These pesky banking systems. See how he likes them apples.

Have your reviewed the child support - sounds like you are paying far too much. If your son has passed 18 you only need to pay child support if he is still doing a levels.

Your son is now an adult. Explain the situation to him. If his dad couldn’t afford or didn’t want to contribute to the trip he should have said up front.

Yes I don’t get the maintainnce point either, why are you paying it at all?

Say: either you pay or I’ll pay it and take it out Of maintenance payments. TheN give the sums For clarity. End of. Simple.

Definitely get it back via the child support you pay if you end up paying it. Thank goodness you have this option is all I can say!

Have you actually run it through the CMS calculator to see what you might have to pay ? I'd do that then discuss with dad, at 18 he doesn't need protecting from the fall out.

Why are you paying cm when you have Ds 50/50? There is no way I'd pay out for the remaining cost of the trip. Your Ds is 18, working part time so I'd leave it to him to sort out with his dad. If he doesn't end up going then you are not to blame.

I don’t get why you pay CS?