Dad not paid his share for college trip - advice?

[GreatOak]

DS18 is due to go on his first (and only) school/college trip to NY in December. The trip came up in January. Through txts, Dad and I agreed to split the installments between us so that we would end up paying the same amount, and DS would pay the remaining amount (he has a part-time job and has saved up, bless him).

To provide a short background, his Dad and I have long been separated: DS lives half with Dad&SM and half with me/OH. Because Dad's half-week is Mon/Tue, Wed, Thu, I still pay a large amount (over what I should) to him in child support* every month.

Anyway, I've paid my two installments, but Dad has not paid his. He missed both deadlines for his two payment installments. When he missed the first one I questioned him about it (through txts) and he fobbed with off with some guff about paying it, but the payment not registering - when I phoned the college they confirmed that this was not true: Dad hasn't paid his share. The trip is now six weeks away and there's a large outstanding balance still to pay, meaning DS might not get to go at all. Do I confront Dad again (this never ends well)? Or do I simply stop my child support payments* to Dad for a couple of months (they are not court-ordered) and pay the balance of the NY trip instead?

*I understand that I must keep paying child support until DS leaves full-time education and I'm OK with that; however, Dad doesn't pay for DS’s meals at college, buy him clothes or shoes, textbooks or college fees (I had to pay them last time). Additionally, SM asked me to contribute half the cost of DS's bus pass (which I agreed to), and I provide DS with a small allowance each month. DS lives with me for half the week and so Dad & I are equally paying for his room & board, food. I think I do all DS's washing, he seems to bring it all with him on Friday from his Dad's. Dad recently bought a brand-new Lexus so I know he's not strapped for cash. I don't feel at all inclined to simply pay the rest of the money for the trip on his Dad's behalf, without taking it back in some way... but... AIBU?

Why are you paying child support for an 18 year old?

At 18 its your sons responsibility to ensure the trip is funded so he can have the conversation with his dad.

I also don't understand why you are paying maintenance? Are you in the UK? Is your ex particularly broke?

How old is your son?

I'd do as you suggested and stop CM and pay the school trip.

As your ds sounds old enough to work and go away, I'd start paying him any CM (or put in an account) so your ds gets the money now and not your ex. You've been far too accommodating as it is and you both look after him 50/50 but you take up the slack financially too

You’ve tried asking him about it and he lied to you. It sounds like he has no intention of paying at all.

Commiserate with him about the “technical difficulties” he had, then tell him you paid the outstanding balance and will be deducting it from the child support you pay him. Simple.

I’d then have a good look at what you’re paying in support and for extras, and see if you can stop that.

If this isn’t court ordered, your ds is and adult at 18. Surely you don’t therefore have to give a bean especially as it is 50/50. In any case, if you choose, just give the minimum and use the rest to pay for the trip. Stop if you can. Sounds like he’s been creaming off you for years.

it's a shame op doesn't answer the why are you paying question,it would be helpful.

I'd just stop paying altogether. Use what you would usually pay to pay for the trip and put the rest in an account for your DS.

We had this fir years with DDs father and as soon as he died the get the cash he is soon in touch.

I don't understand why you are paying child support for shared custody/ access. It doesn't sound like your son is benefiting from this financial situation and you would be better off saving the money for his post-college years. Your ex won't challenge you in court for an 18 year old. Pay for the trip from the money you would have handed over in child support, and tell your ex there will be no further payments as he hasn't met his obligations. He can take you to CMS if he wishes, but it won't get him far.

I was going to say do t pay the next instalments and tell him the payment mustn't have gone through properly, but in reality that would open a real can of worms and start a row.. I think you're going to have to try and talk to him calmly. Are they tight for money generally? (My husband's ex wife always had much more disposable income than us, which meant we couldn't always find the money for trips etc as easily as she could). Is there a reason he doesn't want his son to go? You could suggest skipping a couple of payments to pay for the trip, see what he says.

You don’t need to pay CM with a 50:50 split so stop that. Hasn’t DS nagged him about it? My ex is like this with CM payments, I have had all manner of excuse as to why it is late . Some men think we were born yesterday it seems...

In your position I would work out what you should be paying according to CMS, then pay off the trip and drop your maintenance payments to the CMS minimum until either you have recouped the trip costs or your DS ages out of needing maintenance to be payed.

I would let your DS know what you intend before you let your ex know, just so that it won't be a surprise to your DS if his Dad starts ranting. Does your DS even know that his trip is in danger of not going ahead?

To all the posters asking why OP is paying maintenance if it's 50/50...it's not 50/50 is it? OP has her son 3 days...her ex has him for 4. That's not 50/50.

DS lives half with Dad&SM and half with me/OH. Because Dad's half-week is Mon/Tue, Wed, Thu, I still pay a large amount (over what I should) to him in child support every month*

Not 50/50. OP is wrong to say he lives "half" with anyone. He lives mostly at his Dad's.

Change the days to make it 50/50 so there is no maintenance

During the Dad's days, the DS will be out at college during the day, but using more heating, hot water, fridge food, WiFi, Netflix, etc during his three days with the OP over the weekend. I'd call that closer to 50:50 than the 4:3 days might initially appear.

Pay no maintenance, cover the rest of the trip, and don't risk losing what you and DS have already invested.

I would tell your ex you will pay the rest of the trip out of the money you normally give him just to save any more confusion and that means your son can go to NY. I wouldn't faff about with toing and froing trying to be reasonable.

I would do this. I wouldn't mention it to DS as this would divide his loyalties (presumably he still wants to share his life between the two of you or he would have chosen one or the other to live with).

I don't know anything about how child payment work, so can't comment other than to say that it loos as though you are paying the lion's share - and getting most of the physical work, too.

I would definitely make sure he money was paid, though - I wouldn't let DS suffer. And I know he's working, but he'll need spending money - a trip like his would be ruined if he had to watch every penny, and he isn't likely to be going again soon.

Thanks KenAdam. He’s still in full-time education and did a re-set at college this year so he will be in f/time education until July 2021. He’ll be nearly 20 by then.

Have you done a cms calculation online to see what you should be paying? I'd do that, pay that amount, and use the difference to clear the balance on the trip.

If he's that age I'd be paying any CM directly to your ds and cut your ex out of it completely

I would send one last message. Are you still having technical issues as the payment hasn’t gone through. So he doesn’t loose spot, if it’s still not going through when I see Tom, I will pay it with maintenance for the next how ever many months.

This place cracks me up. You get posters saying look at that tightarse paying the legal minimum. Should be ashamed of themselves. And when someone pays beyond they are asked what are they thinking lol.

And why is an 18 year old still getting maintenance? Because he’s still in full time education. Same with child benefit and other benefits it stops when full time education does, not the day they turn 18.

This place cracks me up. You get posters saying look at that tightarse paying the legal minimum. Should be ashamed of themselves. And when someone pays beyond they are asked what are they thinking lol

Sorry but no. In this particular circumstance, the OP and her ex have a 50/50 split with a possible imbalance of one night in ex favour. Therefore the costs of raising ds are already split 50/50 and so she needs to look at how much maintenance she is paying if her ex isn't holding up his half of the 50/50 bargain.

If a woman came on here and said she was not getting any maintenance and it was a 50/50 split she would be told there is no maintenance due to be paid.

DS is 18... has he mentioned this to his dad? That's likely to be far more effective than you doing so. If he wants to go, he needs to raise it with his dad.

OP doesn't have a 50/50 split. Her son spends 4 days with the father, 3 days with her.

I appreciate the point that technically DS “lives” more at his Dad’s and that is why I pay child support and haven’t sought to change it. CSA online calculator makes my payments less than what I actually pay and when you factor in the bus pass too I am well over. In my defence of “half”, he leaves his Dad’s Friday morning and doesn’t return until Monday night, and often not until Tuesday night so that 4/3 split varies. We also have him when Dad’s on holiday.

Agree with everyone else

No more maintenance for ex. He can apply to cms. Pay off the rest of the trip yourself. Explain to ds calmly what you have done. Tell ex by text. This man clearly has no interest in coparenting in a reasonable fashion with you