Dad not paid his share for college trip - advice?

[GreatOak]

DS18 is due to go on his first (and only) school/college trip to NY in December. The trip came up in January. Through txts, Dad and I agreed to split the installments between us so that we would end up paying the same amount, and DS would pay the remaining amount (he has a part-time job and has saved up, bless him).

To provide a short background, his Dad and I have long been separated: DS lives half with Dad&SM and half with me/OH. Because Dad's half-week is Mon/Tue, Wed, Thu, I still pay a large amount (over what I should) to him in child support* every month.

Anyway, I've paid my two installments, but Dad has not paid his. He missed both deadlines for his two payment installments. When he missed the first one I questioned him about it (through txts) and he fobbed with off with some guff about paying it, but the payment not registering - when I phoned the college they confirmed that this was not true: Dad hasn't paid his share. The trip is now six weeks away and there's a large outstanding balance still to pay, meaning DS might not get to go at all. Do I confront Dad again (this never ends well)? Or do I simply stop my child support payments* to Dad for a couple of months (they are not court-ordered) and pay the balance of the NY trip instead?

*I understand that I must keep paying child support until DS leaves full-time education and I'm OK with that; however, Dad doesn't pay for DS’s meals at college, buy him clothes or shoes, textbooks or college fees (I had to pay them last time). Additionally, SM asked me to contribute half the cost of DS's bus pass (which I agreed to), and I provide DS with a small allowance each month. DS lives with me for half the week and so Dad & I are equally paying for his room & board, food. I think I do all DS's washing, he seems to bring it all with him on Friday from his Dad's. Dad recently bought a brand-new Lexus so I know he's not strapped for cash. I don't feel at all inclined to simply pay the rest of the money for the trip on his Dad's behalf, without taking it back in some way... but... AIBU?

Recalculate the cms in line with their guidance and the actual residence over the year average and pay that amount.
Pay the trip Balance yourself.
Tell your son you don’t want him to lose out on the trip or to worry about so you have paid it but make it clear you don’t want him to get involved in asking for the money back or any dialogue between the adults.
Leave him to work out what kind of a man his father is.

If you factor in actual nights over the last 12 months I wonder if you really would have to pay anything.

I would pay for the trip, stop maintenance and let ex take you via CMS. Meanwhile make an accurate record of how many nights DS was actually with you in the last 18 months versus EX so you can give CMS facts,

As your DS is 18 I hope they are well aware maintenance will stop end of Aug 2020 unless he is continuing with his A levels.

The trip payments and child support are not related issues.

The person paying child support doesn't decide what the person receiving it uses it for. That's basic. If OP is liable to pay child support, she needs to continue. Whether it needs tweaking is a separate issue.

Addressing the trip payment issue is something she needs to do outside of that.

I would flat out tell your Ex and SM that you'll be paying off the trip costs they were supposed to and agreed to pay to ensure he doesn't miss out, and you won't be CM any more.

They are taking the piss. This is his child! And he is essentially quibbling over half a day extra at his house ... when I bet you don't quibble having him for all their holidays.

Selfish dick, taking the piss out of a single mum. Someone he created a child with. I hate men like that.

If my ex came on here saying that he should decide how I spend the child support payments I get, he would get his arse handed to him. Rightfully. Maybe he thinks I should spend it on buying ds a new laptop, it would be nice after all. But I go round using it on bills and food and stuff he doesn't see. Cheek of me.

If OP's liable for child support, she needs to pay. If it needs adjusting, fair enough, but that has fuck all to do with the trip payments.

In this scenario, I would also say you should take his half of the trip money from the unofficial maintenance payments you are making. Yep it's technically wrong, but given that the OP is being taken for a ride here I would say do it. And I would advise a man in this situation to do the same. It feels like ex and SM know the handouts are nearing an end as son is getting older and they are milking it for what they can get with little regard for the child. Fuck that.

As he is 18 I don’t see any problem with telling him to ask his dad when he is going to pay the instalments as if he doesn’t he can’t go on the trip.

take what he owes you for the trip out of the CM.
And stop paying full stop.

Stop paying maintenance.
Why are you paying over anyway when you pay for most of his stuff? You sound like a walkover.
Explain to your child why. Advise him to stay at yours extra nights regularly.

I think you need a frank conversation with your 18 year old.

Options seem to be:-

• he sorts it out with his Dad;
• you pay (assuming you can) and it's his Christmas & Birthday presents for however long that adds up to. He tells his Dad.
• you pay and son pays you back
• paying the CSA figure and diverting the extra to this. If you do I'd be sending a message saying what if any extras you are prepared to cover.

In many ways that his Dad has gone back on this arrangement isn't really anything to do with you. Its between them.

I'd be very tempted to say to Dad though that the informal arrangement has broken down through his actions so 'let's take it through the CSA'. Sounds as if you will be better off and can make sure that way that it actually get spent on your son by saving it, paying for him.

At 18 your son is old enough for you to tell him that he has to talk to his dad.

And do his own laundry!

Speak firmly to you ex, go round there if necessary, not all guns blazing but asking why he hasn't paid and is he going to pay.

Surely this bloke must have an overdraft facility. Yes I know, he could be up to his limit.

Let us know how things go, Great Oak.

Best wishes.

i think the key things are

1. how much is outstanding on the trip?
2. how much cm do you pay
3. can you afford to pay the missing amounts?

if you can afford to pay the missing amounts, maybe you could pay it, and tell ex that you will be using the cm to pay for the trip, and therefore will be unable to pay cm until thats cleared off?

Do I confront Dad again (this never ends well)?

And THAT is why Dad is well off enough to have bought a brand new Lexus but feels just dandy about doing this.

Ask yourself this - why does it need to 'end well'?

Your ex is totally disrespecting you, your son and your arrangement.

So he already has little time or respect for you. If you don't socialise, why bother to 'officially' remain on good terms ie suck up being walked over No - don't say 'For DS's sake' - look what's happening here - DS's trip is in jeaopardy because his dad knows he can get away with paying because he can flip you the bird.

Take back some self respect.

Stop the CM completely.

Pay DS's trip money in full.

Then text your Ex:

'This is to let you know that in the wake of DS's trip money not being paid, I've rethought our arrangements because they don't seem to be working fairly for either me or, it seems, DS. I've used the money I would have sent you for CM to cover the trip you haven't contributed to. From now on, I also won't be paying CM. I am unhappy with making a not insignificant financial contribution to your household when firstly, the split is pretty much 50-50 on paper and in reality in terms of resources used by DS, often weighted towards this household. If on top of this you are going to decide that you won't even honour larger one-off financial contributions then I'm done. I would rather commit the money coming into your household to a savings account for DS which he can then use perhaps for situations like this. I will continue to pay the extras I already pay on top of this already unfairly weighted CM, such as the bus fare. If you disagree, please go to CMS for an adjudication.'

Your Ex: explodes.

You: Shut up.

At 18 he is old enough to choose to live with one parent, does he live in 2 places because one is closer to college or from his choice?

Apart from the comment about the Lexus we dont know your different financial positions/ what other children you may have. It sounds as if it would be simpler if the boy just lived with you and wouldnt be costing you much more, plus you could seek a court order for maintenance.

I think at 18 he's old enough to ask his Dad about it himself.

If his Dad still refuses to pay, then I agree you should consider using the child support money for the school trip (and await a proper CMS calculation).

I agree with FizzyGreenWater, reasonable only works if both/all parties follow that doctrine. Let your ex do his worst; get your son on that trip.

Does his dad live nearer college? Could your son take driving lessons and have a car and live at yours for more nights?

Wow he is a cheeky fucker op.
Is he the kind who knows you will pay it anyway as you won’t want your ds to miss out ( and rightly so )?

My ds is in 6th form college and is going to NY in February. He started in September and came home on the first day with the letter! Not much notice but it’s a lot cheaper than other NY trips I’ve read about on here- £900.

Ex and I are splitting it right down the middle, despite him earning 4 times what I do. That’s what we’ve always done.

Your ds needs to speak up too.

I don't understand why you're paying maintenance out either?

Sounds like Dad is dong okay out of you paying over and above. He doesn't pay for DS college lunches despite him staying with him most of the week?

I'd seriously look into this set up.

As for the trip. Does DS know about these payment arrangements? He's not too young to be party to the fact that his dad isn't contributing as planned. But it's not for DS to tackle his father about it.

I'd pay up and inform dad that you've down so in lieu of the next maintenance payments.

Your ds is old enough to cope with a bit of acrimony between you now.
Continue acting in a fair and just way yourself, but in this instance just pay it off and stop payments. Ensure fairness to yourself too. If he doesn't like it - tough.

Your ex is laughing by the sounds of it

I tend to agree with CuriousaboutSamphire, & katewhinesalot. I would agree that generally you should not talk about an Ex in a bad light, in front of DS; However, DS is 18 now if his dad did indeed renege on the deal to pay half of the fee, DS should know about it. And yes, tell your Ex you will use the next two instalments to cover the trip. Then renegotiate how long you will continue to provide maintenance, now that he's turned 18YO. It doesn't mean that you wont neccessarily help DS financially, you have done a tremendous job so far.

I've got to be missing something? This is an 18 year old who's working but you're talking about him like a child and paying maintenance? WTF

I'd use the child maintenance to pay the trip off.
And then look at your future payments I don't think you're right.