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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DB that we don't want to go on holiday with DSIL's parents

95 replies

AwkwardHols · 26/10/2019 08:57

Family tree attached. Names changed obviously!

I've never been very close to DB as he was always pretty horrible to me growing up (constantly calling me fat etc) and I've never really connected with DSIL. But my DD and DN we're both born within a month of each other and I'm keen to try and make the best of whatever relationship we can have. I suspect they both might be only children so it would be nice to have each other.

DB and DSIL sometimes went on family holidays before they were married together with DM, DF, SILM and SILF. DM and DF didn't really like this as they don't like SILM, but they did it a couple of times for DB and DSIL's sake. At DB and DSIL's wedding, DM had an almighty fallout with SILM. DM was trying to hide it so I don't think DB, DSIL and even SILM realise how upset DM is. I don't think DM wants to ever see SILM again (and if they do I reckon she'll need a good decade or two to have passed).

DB and DSIL have suggested a holiday next summer with them, DM, DF, SILM, SILF, me and DH as well as DD and DN of course. DM quickly came up with an excuse on behalf of her and DF why they can't to the place suggested and hasn't revealed that she doesn't want to go anywhere because she hates SILM. I have said that we can't make it this year either. I'm not particularly keen on SILM and DH said he wouldn't go as he finds DSIL and her whole family really weird and difficult.

So here's the thing: I'd quite like to do a family holiday in a couple of years' time with all of our family (the Smiths). I'd like to include our sisters, who weren't included in this suggested holiday. The problem is that because there has been this precedent established of SILM and SILF coming on joint family holidays with us Smiths, I think DB and DSIL (and probably SILM?) will have an expectation that they should be invited too. If we book a hotel with spare rooms I'm sure they will end up gatecrashing, and if we suggest booking a cottage or something they will suggest that we find one with enough space for SILM and SILF.

The obvious solution seems to me to have a very quiet word with DB that DM doesn't like SILM and won't go on anymore holidays with her, but would it be reasonable to do this given that DM is hiding it? It would save DM from having to come up with excuses in the future and I know that she loves the idea of a "Smith" family holiday without the "Jones's" apart from DSIL. I think DB would keep it quiet although may have to tell DSIL I guess and that could drive a wedge between DM and DSIL (not that they are particularly close).

To tell DB that we don't want to go on holiday with DSIL's parents
OP posts:
Original poster
AwkwardHols · 26/10/2019 09:37

“Blame” the twin sisters!! Seriously - why would they want to go on holiday with their sister in law’s parents, who, presumably, they don’t know that well?

They know SILM and SILF as well as we do and I'm sure it would be said that it would be an opportunity to get to know each other! Seriously, these are not reasonable people!!

I'm half-tempted to fall on my sword and say I don't like SILM and don't want to go on holiday with her, but I kind of feel like DSIL doesn't like me much anyway and DB and I have a rocky history so it would all end v badly!

OP posts:
SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 26/10/2019 09:37

And NO!

As others have said - DON'T bring your DM's personal feelings into this under any circumstances. If she wanted them to know she'd tell them herself, To suggest that there is a personal dislike would cause all sorts of bad feeling.

OJust tell them you want some time with your DSs (of course - they may not want to go - in that case just say you want a very quiet, relaxing time with your DPs), You'll go with them another time.

How often have these "family" holidays happened? The ones with both families and the children? If you don't start being a bit more independent re: holidays now, you'll get stuck in them forever.

HeddaGarbled · 26/10/2019 09:39

Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you. Keep your mouth firmly zipped.

mcmooberry · 26/10/2019 09:39

Is the SIL her only child? Maybe as she is difficult she is using her DDs marriage as a way of obtaining friends?

RightYesButNo · 26/10/2019 09:40

But to answer, YANBU to not want to go on this holiday with people you dislike. Holidays are too expensive, holiday time is too limited, time together is too precious (shite happens - we’d like to believe it doesn’t, but you can’t guarantee 20 more years of family holidays with the people you DO like).

Talk to your DM, DH, other siblings if they dislike SIL/SIL’s parents, and determine if they are all interested in a Smith family only holiday, where, and then tackle your SIL and DB.

Original poster
AwkwardHols · 26/10/2019 09:41

I think YOU need to be prepared to say, “DM and I don’t like SILM.” You want to drop your mother in it and use her as a shield when you’ve admitted that you aren’t keen on SILM, either, and would prefer not to vacation with her.

If it was just me I'd suck it up to get some family time with the Smiths (as things stand, there will be no family holiday next summer because DB/DSIL suggested the joint one first). But that's a good point, I'm happy to say I find her difficult too and would rather it just be us Smiths.

DM thinks SILM ruined the wedding for various reasons. I'm not entirely sure that DM is reasonable in thinking this but I do know how quietly furious she is!

OP posts:
Original poster
AwkwardHols · 26/10/2019 09:43

Is the SIL her only child? Maybe as she is difficult she is using her DDs marriage as a way of obtaining friends?

She's her only daughter. She has two brothers but I would be surprised if they ever marry (both quite strange, in their 40s but never had jobs).

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/10/2019 09:44

Stop spending time with people you don’t like to try and push a relationship between cousins
Mil has this rosy picture of our Dc and SILs dc being best friends and has tried to force this to the extent that it’s actually alienated both us and the children. Close family relationships should happen naturally

onthecoins · 26/10/2019 09:45

What did SILM do at the wedding?

Tooner · 26/10/2019 09:47

Why can't you just tell your brother that you don't want to go on holiday with his mother in law. Simple as that. No need to involve your mothers feeling in it. If he or his wife don't like it then that's his problem and at least then you won't be getting the year in advance holiday planning emails.

Original poster
AwkwardHols · 26/10/2019 09:48

What did SILM do at the wedding?

Don't think I can say exactly without it being outing. A lot of trivial stuff and some being difficult with various guests. As I say, I'm not saying DM is right to be so angry, but I don't think I've ever seen her so angry with anyone and she can really hold a grudge.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 26/10/2019 09:48

It all sounds extremely complicated and confusing. I couldn't be arsed with all of that.

Why try to force a relationship with people you don't really like?

littlepaddypaws · 26/10/2019 09:49

tbh my idea of hell on earth would be the thought of having a holiday with any one other than dh , or the kids when they were young. let alone op's weird family set up Confused

witherwings · 26/10/2019 09:50

Joint family holidays like this aren't the norm.
Just say that you and the sisters want to have a Smith family holiday with parents and kids. No-one else invited and no exceptions.
They don't need to be invited and surely would be be presumptuous and cheeky to book separately to the same destination?
Ask your brother if he wants to be involved and if he says only if in-laws are invited. Jus say, that's a shame but it's smiths only.

greathat · 26/10/2019 09:51

I did two nights once with PIL and SIL and her lot. They are all lovely people who I get on with, but two nights was enough!

CraftyYankee · 26/10/2019 09:52

If the entire point of this is to facilitate a relationship between your child and their cousin, how realistic is that anyway? You don't live close enough to be able to easily have a face to face chat with your brother. He sounds like not a very nice person and you don't particularly like SIL. This sounds like a whole lot of contorting to facilitate a potential relationship between two kids who may not want to have anything to do with each other.

Worry less about the importance of DBs opinion and more about the relatives you do care about.

Borderterrierpuppy · 26/10/2019 09:53

Don’t worry about it, go on holidays with whoever you want to.
All is not equal in life.
We go visit my parents who live in a holiday destination most years.
We do not holiday with the inlaws for various reasons.
No one has ever complained.

NataliaOsipova · 26/10/2019 09:56

Can you be honest but dishonest at the same time? Along the lines of “Look, DB - SILM and SILF are really great people. It’s just that holidays are a very different dynamic. It’s a long, long time to spend with people who aren’t our family, however nice they are. We don’t get much opportunity tor time off and holidays and we’d just rather not. No disrespect at all meant to them; we’d be delighted to see them for a pub lunch at the weekend (or whatever)....”

Whatnameisgood · 26/10/2019 09:58

Could you avoid making it too personal by just saying how the Smith family only go on holiday once a year and they would just find it more relaxing if it was that side of the family? Ie, not a case of ‘person A hates person B’ just that persons X Y Z prefer it this way, then just stick to it

yearinyearout · 26/10/2019 09:58

Surely if you organise it, and only get a villa or cottage with the number of rooms you require, it's a done deal. That's assuming your DB wants to come away with you. Just check if he's happy for you to organise a "Smith" family holiday and if he brings up the in laws just say "I'd rather just keep it to us for this one".

Serin · 26/10/2019 09:59

It is absolutely not your place to speak for your DM.
If you want to go away with your sisters just book somewhere between you then ask DB and DSIL along when it's all arranged. On the basis, "we sisters are going away, would you guys like to tag along, there is space for 3 more".
Personally, I couldn't be arsed with the drama though.

Whatnameisgood · 26/10/2019 09:59

Basically, I agree with Natalia above

BlouseAndSkirt · 26/10/2019 10:00

What happened at the wedding?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/10/2019 10:04

Just tell your DB that whilst it is nice that he gets on with his ILs you don't really consider them your family and would prefer not to be forced to holiday with them, strangers as they are to you!

Repeat as needed, add additional "they are not MY family" as needed.

Just be blunt. They aren't thinking about what you want/prefer, so don't feel obliged to be so accommodating of them!

KatyCarrCan · 26/10/2019 10:07

It's not your place to tell anyone what your DM thinks of your DSILM. It also seems quite cowardly to throw that bombshell and run because you think it will help you get what you want. It has an element of throwing your DM to the wolves.
There's no precedent of DSILP going on family holidays that include your sisters so I'd proceed on that basis. If you think you will all crumble when faced with DSILP then try to arrange it for a time when you know DSILP can't make it.