Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think she was nosey and trying to humiliate me

69 replies

4seasons · 26/10/2019 00:19

My DH and I were with a group of friends tonight ... a mixture of married couples and a few single women . We were having a lovely meal and enjoying ourselves , chatting and laughing. One of our friends , a single woman suddenly said ( we were talking about sleep apps and difficulties sleeping ).... “ Do you two even sleep in the same room any more ??!! “. I just laughed and said we didn’t as my DH is an horrendous snorer. The conversation moved on and we finished our meal. AIBU paranoid in thinking that she was being spiteful and trying to humiliate me in front of friends ? She already knew the answer to her question as she asked me about it weeks ago. Just for the record my DH and I agreed to have our own bedrooms as he gets up in the night 3/4 times and snores loudly. I am a poor sleeper / restless .... so we were keeping each other awake. We have a good marriage of almost 50yrs. This “ friend “ is rather loud , triesto dominate conversations and is often rude to others in our group under the guise of being humorous. My DH doesn’t like her but tolerates her as he thinks she has mental health issues . She can be very kind at times and is on her own ... hence the continuing friendship.
I am now wondering what our other friends think of our sleeping arrangements and feel very uncomfortable about it.

OP posts:

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/10/2019 00:22

I think you're massively overthinking it.

Thehop · 26/10/2019 00:22

Your friend sounds like a cow.

She absolutely was trying to humiliate you. You handled it beautifully but I’d distance myself if I were you.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2019 00:26

I am now wondering what our other friends think of our sleeping arrangements and feel very uncomfortable about it.

Is there a part of you that's not happy about it?

Because if you're confident you and your DH have made the right choice, I don't understand why you'd care what anyone else thinks?

happinessischocolate · 26/10/2019 00:26

She had no right to bring that up in public if it had been shared privately.

Don't give it too much more thought, but just be more aware next time she asks you personal questions.

Concentrate on the good time you has tonight, and don't let that one sentence ruin your memories of a good night.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 26/10/2019 00:37

I would imagine there are two things that have happened as a result of what she has said. One is that the others will think she’s made an ass of herself and two is that all the other women that have a snoring partner/husband are probably extremely jealous of your sleeping arrangements. Actually, I can guarantee you’ll not be the only couple in the group, with those sleeping arrangements.

scoobydoo1971 · 26/10/2019 00:39

She is being awful because she feels bad about herself. Most of the time, people who have to stoop so low as to make digs about other people are not feeling so great themselves. She might feel jealous of you, your relationship etc. She may just be a bully who expresses this side of her personality by her 'jokes' at the expense of others. You handled her well. Just take care that she doesn't have a particular interest in your husband. It may explain why she was so interested in your bedroom arrangements in the first place!

CallMeRachel · 26/10/2019 00:42

No good ever comes from spilling such private things with other people. Who needs to know where you both sleep?!

By telling people things like this you immediately give them power and you have a weakness in your relationship.

Your answer to her should have been "why do you want to know?"

BackforGood · 26/10/2019 00:46

AIBU paranoid in thinking that she was being spiteful and trying to humiliate me in front of friends ?

Yes, you were being paranoid.
If it works best for your dh and you, then why is it humiliating ? . Sounds to me like she was curious, and tossing it over in her mind as she'd not come across it in her limited experience of the number of married couple's sleeping arrangements that she knew about it.

So I think YABU, yes.
If it is something that you think you should be embarrassed about (not sure why you would be), then don't share that information with people.

OctoberLovers · 26/10/2019 00:47

Me and partner sleep separately.
Same reasons as you really.
He snores / moves / makes noises / restless and gets up for a wee 4 or 5 times.

Im a light sleeper and being kept awake by him is annoying

We go to bed together to watch tv / have a cuddle whatever.
I may even fall asleep for abit if he is still awake but as soon as he falls asleep, it wakes me and i get up and go in the other room.

Not a problem. Everyone knows, doesnt matter, nothing to be embarrassed about.

But mean of your friend, especially if she knew the answer

MarmiteOrGoHome · 26/10/2019 00:48

I am now wondering what our other friends think of our sleeping arrangements

I'm sure most (if they thought anything of it at all) would be envious of you, I know I am!

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2019 00:50

Why is it humiliating? And if it's not, why was her behaviour terrible?

Loud and humourous sounds fun.

ThreeLittleDots · 26/10/2019 01:12

It's not at all controversial to have separate rooms, I doubt anyone cares. Give this no more headspace.

ThreeLittleDots · 26/10/2019 01:14

I love having separate rooms. Nothing shameful about a good night's sleep!

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/10/2019 01:16

Yes she was being spiteful. She already knew the answer, she was forcing you to outline your sleeping arrangements to the group in a snide way to make you uncomfortable. It was designed to make you feel judged about it.

Watch your step with her from now on.

caringcarer · 26/10/2019 01:25

I would be waiting for her next time with a smart retort if she tries to humiliate you again in front of friends. But if you are comfortable do not let her get to you. She sounds jealous because you have a partner and she does not.

Josette77 · 26/10/2019 01:26

You've been married 50 years. That's amazing and I would focus on that.

I think you are overthinking things. No one cares if you sleep separately.

BlueBirdGreenFence · 26/10/2019 01:30

She was being spiteful. YANBU

Episcomama · 26/10/2019 01:30

You were talking about sleep apps and interrupted sleep, so your friend commented on your sleeping arrangements. And..?

I really think you're overthinking this and don't see that she said anything inappropriate.

Seren85 · 26/10/2019 01:44

I agree you're probably over thinking it because of the idea that a happy marriage involves sharing a bed. I think your friend was rude to mention it though, as discussion amongst friends should be sacred. If you're both happy, crack on, and don't worry about telling people if it comes up.

Bluerussian · 26/10/2019 01:46

Oh bless, your friends won't think anything at all about your sleeping arrangements because your arrangements are not that uncommon for the reasons you gave. Those who always share a room with their husband will know one or more people who do as you do and think nothing of it.

That woman was very rude, I'm sure that is something all your friends will agree on. Maybe she gets away with it too easily or, as your husband thinks, has mental health problems. Well you've said she has good points :-), so try not to dwell on this.

You sound great by the way.

Sotoes · 26/10/2019 01:53

It's the bonus you get from a long marriage...….spare bedrooms.

Just ask the Queen.

Introvertedbuthappy · 26/10/2019 01:58

Your friend wasn’t very nice, of course it was an attempt to humiliate you. My husband and I have slept in separate rooms for about 3 years but we don’t tell people. Mainly because of the things people infer based on that is usually about an unhappy loveless marriage, which isn’t further from the truth - it’s just he snores, I’m a light sleeper and due to prolapse issues need the toilet about 4 times a night.

ILearnedItFromABook · 26/10/2019 01:59

Don't worry about what others might be thinking. Considering how common snoring is (and how infuriating it can be), I'd guess you're not the only ones who've struggled with a shared room. Most likely no-one gave it a second thought, but if they did, so what? Some people think that having a television in the bedroom is "bad for the marriage". Same thing goes for big beds. Others will say that a big bed or separate rooms saved the marriage by allowing them both to sleep!

You've been married for 50 years? You're obviously doing something right!

It does sound like this person is probably jealous of your relationship, and I would spend less and less time with someone if she consistently made (or tried to make) me feel anxious or "less than".

Sunnysidegold · 26/10/2019 06:33

We stopped sharing a bed when my husband was ill and I loved the sleep I got then! We slept together until I was heavily pregnant and snored so loudly I'd wake him and also myself. Now we sleep in separate rooms and I love it. We have a healthy sex life and snuggle up to watch TV together so intimacy is not lacking. She sounds like she wanted to embarrass you and I think you handled it perfectly well. I'd not share details like that with her again as she will probably do something similar. I guess that she is one of those unhappy people who try to make themselves feel better by making others feel worse. I'm glad you didn't give her that satisfaction.

Bluntness100 · 26/10/2019 06:59

Why are you so ashamed of it? You were talking about sleep issues, I doubt she thought this was some form of big secret you'd be ashamed of.

With all due respect, if you've been married for fifty years, you must be close to seventy at least, no one will think you're both swinging from the chandeliers of a night, or care.

No one will have given this a second thought, so the issue is why are you so worried about people knowing, you've been married fifty years, it's hardly a new relationship
.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread