To think she was nosey and trying to humiliate me

[4seasons]

My DH and I were with a group of friends tonight ... a mixture of married couples and a few single women . We were having a lovely meal and enjoying ourselves , chatting and laughing. One of our friends , a single woman suddenly said ( we were talking about sleep apps and difficulties sleeping ).... “ Do you two even sleep in the same room any more ??!! “. I just laughed and said we didn’t as my DH is an horrendous snorer. The conversation moved on and we finished our meal. AIBU paranoid in thinking that she was being spiteful and trying to humiliate me in front of friends ? She already knew the answer to her question as she asked me about it weeks ago. Just for the record my DH and I agreed to have our own bedrooms as he gets up in the night 3/4 times and snores loudly. I am a poor sleeper / restless .... so we were keeping each other awake. We have a good marriage of almost 50yrs. This “ friend “ is rather loud , triesto dominate conversations and is often rude to others in our group under the guise of being humorous. My DH doesn’t like her but tolerates her as he thinks she has mental health issues . She can be very kind at times and is on her own ... hence the continuing friendship.
I am now wondering what our other friends think of our sleeping arrangements and feel very uncomfortable about it.

Why do you care? My DH and myself have had separate rooms since our late forties and I don’t feel the need to be secretive about it. Your life your choice. Laugh it off.

Yannick, your friend already knew the answer from you discussing it previously...she deliberately asked you in front of the others to try and humiliate you or to stir up gossip among the rest of the group about the seperate bedrooms/state of your marriage..

I hope you take her aside on your own and ask her what she thinks she was playing at asking in front of everyone when she already knows the answer, tell her since you have seen her true colours you have lost all trust in her and won't be telling her anything or inviting her to anything again

She was definitely show you up IMO.
Ignore her.
Many families do the same, we rarely get to sleep together for an entire night.
DD nearly 11 wakes many times every night for company.
DS hurts himself in the night, punches his face etc, both have extra needs.
We have our adult cuddles throughout the evening, sex in the living room.
It works for us.
I don't broadcast or discuss with friends and family, it is none of their business.
Yes they probably would judge us too.

*yanbu....not yannick

She was definitely trying to embarrass you. Watch her from now on. Sounds like a bitter person. There is nothing wrong with your sleeping arrangements, I think it makes total sense!

if your gut is telling you she was trying to show you up then she probably was.

Next time she makes any kind of comment like this, brush it off then immediately turn it around on her and ask how her dating/ sex life is going in front of everyone. That'll shut her up

Does your husband have sleep apnea ? stopping breathing for a few seconds , I am only saying because my husband had it and had an underlying condition. I used to moan because I couldn't sleep with him ,because I could hear his snoring all over the house .I didn't realise he had stopped breathing I just dreaded that the snoring was going to start again .

You've been married nearly fifty years?
You've paid your dues, the pair of you.
If he sleeps in the garage and you sleep on the roof, it's nobody's business but your own.
If she tries it again 'Do you even share a room?' respond with 'No, we fuck all over the house.' If she's in your living room at the time, nod towards her and add 'That chair is one of our favourite places.'

But... never, ever trust a woman with your husband, not even a woman who has lots a pets and a man who ought to know better. Her comment might or might not have been an attempt to humiliate you, or it could even have been an attempt to make him feel bad about having to sleep alone, with the inference to follow that he could find a woman (eg her) who would let him sleep beside her all night. Before the cool WAGs start, I'm not paranoid, I'm not projecting. We are old but we are not finished yet.

It's really hard to tell without know her demeanor. I really struggle to understand though why there are so, so many treatments, surgeries, even machines/sleeping machine attachments etc etc that I don't understand why people don't try everything possible before making the decision to sleep separately. Men snoring is common but is not untreatable, on the contrary. To me, the best thing about being married is snuggling up asleep and occasionally waking up in the night for a talk or even talking til you drift off to sleep. Having to go to a separate room would interrupt that flow of serenity. I cannot imagine anything worse than sharing separate beds and my husband would (and has, though surgery not needed) seek specialist treatment and even surgery before we even considered resorting to separate bedrooms. There is tonnes of help there, there is rarely a case where it isn't treatable, all one needs to do is seek help.

Also a urinal bottle beside the bed means he only has to roll over and doesn't need to actually get up out of bed.

Ignore this 'friend.'

I'm a bit worried about your husband, though. Does he need to lose weight? Has he had his prostate checked? It might be time for a thorough check up.

Don't let her get to you. There are SO many people who would benefit from separate rooms and either can't because of room or whatever.

I think your friend was trying to humiliate you, there was no other reason to ask this when she already knew the answer. Not nice, but I'm sure if anything, it only served to make her look bad.

Not the point of the thread, but several posters have mentioned that their partners use the loo three to five times during the night. Even at an advanced age that is a lot. If it hasn't happened yet, please encourage them to get checked out for prostate issues and diabetes.

I'm not sure she was trying to humiliate you. It was relevant to the conversation since you were all talking about issues with sleeping and that's why you're in separate rooms.
I must admit I thought the same as a PP - that this touched a nerve because you worry about what other people think of your relationship.

YANBU. If she already knew the answer, she didn't need to raise it. It's like she wanted to make sure everyone else knew about your separate bedrooms. I wouldn't be sharing anything with her in the future.

A lot of older couples I know have separate beds or separate rooms. It's not at all unusual yet agony aunts and the like seem to think that all older people should share their bed with their spouse and if they don't they should split up. It never occurs to them that most don't want to split up and are happy as they are.

But your friend should not have mentioned this in public as it's your personal business.

She was, you’re right. She’s no friend.

Be happy in your choices

Yeah, I'm not sure. To think she was trying to humiliate you would mean that uou think it's humiliating to have seperate beds and for people to know it.

If you don't see it as something humiliating, something that should be kept hidden, them it wouldn't occur to uou she was trying to humiliate you.

The question I guess then is does she see it as humiliating and something that should be hidden from your friends.. If she does, then yes she was trying to humiliate you. If she doesn't no she wasn't.

I'm surprised at the number of posters who think she was trying to humiliate the op, it would indicate they see this as something humiliating. It's not. It's perfectly common and says nothing about th state of a marriage.

I also think you're overthinking this. She was probably a bit tipsy and people often use humour at the expense of others when under the influence.

So yes she was probably trying to humiliate you, but just blame the drink and let it go.