To think she was nosey and trying to humiliate me

[4seasons]

My DH and I were with a group of friends tonight ... a mixture of married couples and a few single women . We were having a lovely meal and enjoying ourselves , chatting and laughing. One of our friends , a single woman suddenly said ( we were talking about sleep apps and difficulties sleeping ).... “ Do you two even sleep in the same room any more ??!! “. I just laughed and said we didn’t as my DH is an horrendous snorer. The conversation moved on and we finished our meal. AIBU paranoid in thinking that she was being spiteful and trying to humiliate me in front of friends ? She already knew the answer to her question as she asked me about it weeks ago. Just for the record my DH and I agreed to have our own bedrooms as he gets up in the night 3/4 times and snores loudly. I am a poor sleeper / restless .... so we were keeping each other awake. We have a good marriage of almost 50yrs. This “ friend “ is rather loud , triesto dominate conversations and is often rude to others in our group under the guise of being humorous. My DH doesn’t like her but tolerates her as he thinks she has mental health issues . She can be very kind at times and is on her own ... hence the continuing friendship.
I am now wondering what our other friends think of our sleeping arrangements and feel very uncomfortable about it.

It was just a quip between friends. (though your comments about her being single and loud infer you don't much like her anyway)
Move on. Nothing to see

Loads of people don't sleep in the same bedroom. It's only a big thing if you think you should.
We slept in different rooms for years. I didn't even think about telling anyone or having to justify myself. Why would I?

Thank you for your responses. I love MN for all the thoughtful and intelligent comments. As one poster suggested I do feel uncomfortable about what people might infer about the state of our marriage re our sleeping arrangements but really it’s none of their business is it ?!
I don’t gossip about my marriage to this woman ( she knew about the arrangements because she’d been trying something on in my room and made a comment .... I didn’t see any reason to lie or prevaricate ). I shall certainly be more careful what I share with her in the future. It’s a great pity though if one can’t be open with people without worrying they will use the information against you .
She has absolutely zero interest in my husband and would prefer another horse / dog/ chicken ! In fact she’s always saying that she’s glad she doesn’t have a man and can do what she likes.
I’m probably over thinking things now but I am realising that she asks lots of questions about other people’s lives and seems to take an unhealthy interest if things aren’t going well for them..... not always in a nice way. I think my DH has more of a handle on her character than I do .

How is she using the info against you? Plenty of people have seperate rooms, it's really not a big deal.

The issue here is you think it is,

My DH and I often sleep separately. I’m a light sleeper and every time he snores or even turns he wakes me. Your friend is just mean because she’s probably jealous of you for some reason (having somebody to grow old with would be my guess).

I think she was being horrible and she shouldn't have said anything. However, I don't know why you are embarrassed - my and my DH sleep separately and I think quite a few people do as well - DH is an awful snorer and very restless: sometimes I'd be awake until 3 or 4am and as I work full time I couldn't cope. He now sleeps in another room and it's much better!! Just distance yourself from her but don't be embarrassed with your friends.

In fact she’s always saying that she’s glad she doesn’t have a man and can do what she likes.

This is just a lie she’s telling herself for whatever reason. I have a man and I can still do what I like. My DH is not stopping me or me him. I think she is slightly envious of your 50yr marriage ‘cos hand on heart, how many people would choose to grow old alone instead of with another person who loves them.

Just to reassure you, op, whenever sleeping in separate rooms is mentioned on Mumsnet, hundreds of posters comment that they also do the same. I'm sure having separate bedrooms is a lot more common than we all think - and would be even more so if everyone had a spare bedroom!

I think separate bedrooms is a great idea, be proud of your idea op.

Oh dear, I could easily have been that friend when I was younger and less self-aware.

Should have said "you know we have separate rooms" if she already knows.

Sounds brilliant having seperate rooms and an indication of a secure marriage doing what works for the couple rather than conforming to usual idea.

Could be an indicator of issues in an unhappy couple, definitely not in a happy marriage. If I was one of your friends it would assume one of you snores. Nothing else.

I think that for your generation, OP, sleeping in separate bedrooms probably DID used to be thought of as a sign that the relationship was going wrong. I’m sure people did it but it was never spoken about. I’m guessing separate bedrooms would have been much more common had people had spare bedrooms in the 50s and 60s,,but I think families tended to be bigger so not many spare bedrooms to go round!!! So if you DID sleep separately from your husband back then it meant that you probably didn’t like him much (or were the Queen )

Lots of people only have one child, or none, now and are more likely to have a spare room. So sleeping separately is much more common, I think, because people CAN. I know of quite a few people who do it as they have different sleeping patterns, work shifts, or have health issues. Nothing to do with the state of one’s marriage.

If she’s a lot younger than you maybe she realises this and didn’t think it was a taboo subject. But from what you say it sounds like she was being a bitch really. I think the way to deal with people like her is to laugh it off as being no big deal, which is exactly what you did. I’m sure there were others at that table who went home and discussed it with their spouse but only in a “ooh, I think WE should do that! We’d sleep so much better” kind of way.

But if she continued to attempt to make digs or imply things then I would distance myself from her. If you can’t be honest with someone otherwise they use it against you, whst’s The point of having them as a friend?

Either she wasn't thinking or she was trying to show you up.
If she does anything like that again, I would pull her up publicly about it. See how she likes it someone trying to show her up in front of loads of other people.
You often get one or two people like this in a big group. One of the reasons why I'm not struck on group things.

She was being spiteful for sure. If you all around the 50 year marriage stage probably a lot of you will be in separate bedrooms. That's what I notice in my line of work. No shame in it at all..but yeah she was defo trying to sneak one over on you

She already knew the answer to the question so yes she was being a bit spiteful. But I wouldn't worry about what other people think. Sleeping in separate rooms because of shift patterns, snoring, small kids, ill health etc is nothing new and nothing to feel embarrassed about.

I think she might be jealous...

I'm surprised people think its wrong to share such details with friends. I know alot more than that about my mates but would not blab it out at dinner parties

The only thing I would be thinking about if I had been party to the conversation would be that’s fantastic a couple in a long marriage, who are able to communicate and work out a solution that suits them and are enjoying their lives and nights out with friends.
My partner is an occasionally snorer and when that happens I will quite happily move to another room (or if either of us has an early start/late return home) for a good nights sleep and we are still in the early ‘honeymoon’ stages- no reflection on our relationship just on the fact that I am someone who really suffers from poor/ interrupted sleep the next day. If in the future this becomes more common I would absolutely consider separate rooms.

Sleep where you like op & don't worry about what other people thjnk! 🤷‍♀️

I think there is a lot to be said for sleeping in separate rooms. It's certainly better than harbouring resentment at being woken all through the night, both of you get a decent night and wake refreshed and at peace with each other.

We also used to go to bed and have a cuddle and chat and then I would slide off to my own room to sleep while partner wanted to watch TV a bit longer.

We have separate bedrooms for exactly the same reasons as you. We didn’t tell anyone so it sort of becomes a secret.

Recently we had windows replaced and each room was labelled, at first I was embarrassed and said bedroom 1 etc but as 1 and2 are the same size they were muddled up.

I realised me being coy was ridiculous. My home my choice how I live in it.

Nothing to hide or be embarrassed OP.

Whatever your arrangements, they are your business and no one else's!
It was an intrusive person all question AND designed to embarrass because she already knew the answer. Most unpleasant and inappropriate.

The only effective response to a question like this is another question:

"Why would you ask that?"

With a puzzled head tilt. Make her sit there in the silence with everyone looking at her thinking how rude she's been. It always works.

To me that way she said it shows that she wasn't trying to be nice/just making conversation.

Well you know what they say, Op-those who matter don't mind & those who mind don't matter.

My husband is a snorer & I often sleep in another bed on the few occasions that I can.

I'm not sure her intent was public humiliation. I think she's humiliating herself more, to show such interest, in public, in other people's private lives. If there's a next time just look amused and say: why are you so curious about our private life? Get your own!

We sleep separately because I suffer from chronic pain and I wriggle a lot.

I think her comment sounds condescending. I’d have been tempted to answer with something like, ‘No, once he’s satisfied me sexually, I send him to his kennel.’

Followed by a big wink of solidarity to your husband.