Lunch with a man

[Flappyjack]

I'm a bit weirded out today and wondering if I am over thinking but here goes....

I am a mature student and I have been flirting with another student over the last few weeks. Nothing major, just the twinkly eyed variety. We are both married and I just thought of it as harmless fun.

Today I asked him if there was anywhere close to buy a sandwich because the canteen is a bit grim. He replied if we had longer he would take me to a nice place, but we don't. So that was the end of that. I said to him 'I'll just nip out to train station and grab a sandwich. '

Next thing the lecturer told us we had 45 minutes. There was a bit of an awkward moment but he suggested we go for lunch. Ok, so it feels a bit odd just the two of us, but off we go.

The food was amazing btw! Anyway, he spend some of the time talking about his wife and family etc and I did the same too. To be honest he sounds like he has a lovely, charmed life and we really do live in different worlds. He even paid the bill (using company expenses apparently. )

We go back into class in the afternoon and things now feel really awkward 😥 I don't know how to explain it. I suppose we went from flirting to awkward, chummy pals.

I feel really embarrassed now, like I was coming onto him and he brushed me off, but it was just bit of flirting from both sides.

I'm overthinking this, aren't I? Maybe he just bruised my self esteem a little bit by plonking me firmly in the friends zone.

What do you think?

Maybe he just bruised my self-esteem a little bit by plonking me firmly in the friends zone.

He bruised your self-esteem? It sounds like you wanted the mutual flirting to escalate and are now disappointed that he steered you to into friend territory. He realized that he had crossed a line with the twinkles and cozy lunch, so he defined a boundary. Now you feel “brushed off.”

You are saying that your self-esteem is tied to how this man views you.

“he put his hand on my waist one time, touched my arm a few times”

Hmmm.

I can’t understand why you like and defend the flirting but don’t want to be friends.

Theres nothing wrong with a bit of flirting. Its fun and it makes the day go faster (it does at my work, anyway). But, you are doing it wrong, OP. The whole point of flirting with colleagues etc is that you both know its just for fun, a little ego boost. If one of you tries to ramp it up into something more serious, it all goes wrong. You're allowed to have lunch with men. I have lunch with men quite often. But dont make the mistake of thinking it makes things serious.

Flirt and have fun, if you like. But dont take it too seriously.

I never feel the need to flirt because I get all the ego boost I need knowing my husband thinks I'm gorgeous. Couldn't care less whether other men think that or not.

I still stand by my earlier suspicion that OP thinks this bloke actually ceased from fancying her during the 45 minute lunch perhaps when he heard her chat and that's why she's narked.

I don't think there's anything wrong with flirting, try going to Spain and telling them that it's immoral. It's basically a national pastime.
We are all guilty of being glad when that certain someone gets in the lift with us, or if the barista meets your eye and makes a joke about cinnamon sprinkles or when the mechanic lets you off a bit of money because he likes your hair. Basically it's a nice feeling that people might want to fuck you. Especially when you feel old, tired and wear an anorak most days. Actually doing it is a completely different impulse which most people don't act on.

@Flappyjack I’m sorry but if a random man in a meeting (which is essentially what this is, as you’re mature students and not 19 year old under grads) touched my waist that would be way too far for me and there’s no way I would complicate things by then going out for a cosy lunch just the 2 of us.

Why did no one else from the class want to go out for lunch? Whenever I’ve been in similar situations you’d usually find a few people going together to a cafe across the road etc. If I saw a man and woman who had just met (and I had witnessed the hand on waist etc) going off for a lunch together I would probably be a bit so be careful.

The main issue with your OP were the words like ‘plonked’ and ‘friend zone’ which makes you sound like you feel scorned and rejected.

As some PPs have said just be very careful Cos it can go from enjoying attention to more very quickly, even if he does talk about his wife!

So a bit of flirting and going for lunch and you assume there is something going on. He then concentrate on the course and that's that, he is awkward with you. You're all hot or cold and he's got wrapped around his fingers.

I bet the next time he is all nice to you again, you'll be all happy again and flirting back.

That sounds perfectly possible, @Butchyrestingface. Basically, over a 45-minute lunch with a classmate, the OP has had the swipe right, excited pre-date flirty messaging, and then a disappointing first date where it’s clear the guy isn’t interested in a second one.

@Brackish brilliant

He put his hands on you and that boosted your ego. You both made fools of your partners.

If you would behave with this man in exactly the same way with your husband present then knock yourself out but I suspect that isn't the case in which case you have acted inappropriately with this man. Fortunately he appears to have more control and respect for his partner/wife.

If you are disappointed at being 'plonked' in the friend zone, I suggest you take a long, hard look at yourself and your marriage.

@Butchyrestingface , Nailed it

@SilverySurfer so very true - if it was totally innocent or just being friendly then it wouldn’t matter if DH was there. I suspect things would be very different!

He may have a chatter life, his wife ducking doesn’t

@MandalaYogaTapestry thank you.

These are for you

Can someone explain to me what "twinkly eyed" flirting is? Two adults can smile at each other surely without it being flirting.

The "sex eyes" that yer wan on Love Island used to go on about.

Smiling is fine.
Sex eyes aren't good unless you're (both) single

I would too like to know what this twinkly eyed flirting is!? I suspect I wouldn't know flirting if it slapped me in the face and sung me a love song. Also, saying that I don't think I have ever or would even know how to flirt if I had too.
No opinion on the op. I just want to know how to differentiate between friendliness and flirting!

There's a scene in Desperate Housewives where Lynette is flirting with the guys who manages her restaurant. He makes an actual move and she's all 'No! I'm happily married, this was meant to be fun that only goes so far, and we were both meant to know that.' seems like you got a situation a bit like that. No one really wants to move out of the harmless flirting zone in either direction and it's awkward when you do.

Not sure it was date ? It was friends having lunch ?

There's a scene in Desperate Housewives where Lynette is flirting with the guys who manages her restaurant. He makes an actual move and she's all 'No! I'm happily married, this was meant to be fun that only goes so far, and we were both meant to know that.'

Except it turns out Lynette wasn't that happily married, after all....

Ah, reminds me of the old OU Summer schools. The amount of shagging that went on 😀 yep.

Op what did you expect from a quick lunch? That he would come on to you so you could act all shocked and rebuff him?

He chatted about his life his wife and family that's pretty normal conversation. It was lunch not a sneezy hotel date. It wasn't a date it was lunch with a fellow student. It is possible to be friends with a man and not be flirting with him never mind shagging him you know. And a friend is exactly what you should be not some sub context flirt buddy.

Flappyjack
@MandalaYogaTapestry thank you.
These are for you flowers

Like a drowning woman, the OP clings to the only piece of flotsam in a sea of common sense replies.

"I know a lot of people are concerned about my husband's feelings in all this but it's fine. He had coffee with someone else who he shouldn't have a year or so ago. Nothing happened then either. We are pretty grown up about these things. We just chatted about it and moved on. No biggie."

Sounds like you see it as a bit of a competition. And I find it weird that either of you would need to 'be grown up about these things.' 🙄