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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lunch with a man

104 replies

Flappyjack · 25/10/2019 17:01

I'm a bit weirded out today and wondering if I am over thinking but here goes....

I am a mature student and I have been flirting with another student over the last few weeks. Nothing major, just the twinkly eyed variety. We are both married and I just thought of it as harmless fun.

Today I asked him if there was anywhere close to buy a sandwich because the canteen is a bit grim. He replied if we had longer he would take me to a nice place, but we don't. So that was the end of that. I said to him 'I'll just nip out to train station and grab a sandwich. '

Next thing the lecturer told us we had 45 minutes. There was a bit of an awkward moment but he suggested we go for lunch. Ok, so it feels a bit odd just the two of us, but off we go.

The food was amazing btw! Anyway, he spend some of the time talking about his wife and family etc and I did the same too. To be honest he sounds like he has a lovely, charmed life and we really do live in different worlds. He even paid the bill (using company expenses apparently. )

We go back into class in the afternoon and things now feel really awkward 😥 I don't know how to explain it. I suppose we went from flirting to awkward, chummy pals.

I feel really embarrassed now, like I was coming onto him and he brushed me off, but it was just bit of flirting from both sides.

I'm overthinking this, aren't I? Maybe he just bruised my self esteem a little bit by plonking me firmly in the friends zone.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Naranja · 25/10/2019 20:35

@Flappyjack I think the issue is defining it as ‘flirting’ and the fact you clearly take pleasure in the fact you were flirting. I don’t think I over analyse my interactions with men at work to think about whether it’s ‘flirting’ or not - I just talk to people and joke around with nothing inappropriate.

There’s just something about the way you’ve explained this situation that would not make me very happy if it was my DH.

Original poster
Flappyjack · 25/10/2019 20:41

Yowser! We both backed off. It was a weird situation. I'm not complaining he backed off, I just feel embarrassed because we both flirted, we both stopped and then it was awkward as fuck and embarrassing.

I don't think either of us have the hots for each other. I haven't given him a thought outside of class until now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flappyjack · 25/10/2019 20:44

@Naranja, so its not the flirting? Its the way I describe it?

OP posts:
Greyhound22 · 25/10/2019 21:26

Your opening post sounds like you were hoping something would happen though OP so it's no good getting the arse with people.

No I really don't flirt across meeting rooms - because I'm married Confused I'm human - I'll think 'bloody hell he's nice' but I do actually think my husband (and most husbands for that matter) wouldn't be impressed with me coming home and telling him how I was doing twinkly eyes at another man I found attractive across a room.

GreytExpectations · 25/10/2019 22:25

Op you definitely seem like you aren't happy that he backed off. You are both married ffs. Stop acting like a teenager with this "twinkly eye" nonsense. If he seems like a nice guy to have as a friend than be friends with him but why do you have to get some kind of pleasure from flirting when you are supposedly happily married? It's as if you don't understand how 2 people of the opposite gender can have nice conversation without it being classed as flirting Hmm

Fantababy · 25/10/2019 22:42

When you say he "[plonked you] firmly in the friend zone", the impression you give is that you don't want to be there. You're not clear on why you're posting here - if you're quite happy with your husband, and just friends with this guy, then surely everything's worked out fine.

WelcomeToShootingStars · 26/10/2019 05:45

Wow. I think flirting is fine!

It's just that when you moved from sage environment to a more intimate one, he felt the need to reiterate his unavailability.

I have lots of male friends, and have always made a point of talking about my husband in a similar way to make clear that it's just friendship, so I'm not inadvertently sending out the wrong signals (some people see friendship as interest in them romantically)

SurpriseSparDay · 26/10/2019 06:06

Is this the first year of your course? If so it’s not surprising your head’s all over the place. And, as it’s the first thing you mentioned, you’re possibly finding the ‘mature student’ thing a bit discombobulating to navigate.

“You need to calm down.” Years from now you’ll cringe at how over-excited you were. (Trust me on this.) For now, I know wallowing in emotion and concentrating on academic coursework are not necessarily mutually exclusive - but one is worth your energy and the other isn’t.

Be really careful to avoid taking yourself willingly to the laughing-stock.

Bluerussian · 26/10/2019 06:25

Flappyjack: I think one of the posters hit the nail on the head saying we were flirting in a safe space and that changed and we both backed off.
.........

I think that too and it is a mature way to look at it.

Life is exciting for you at the moment and that is wonderful - please do take care of yourself, very good care. Trust your instincts.

Good luck!

Jane1727 · 26/10/2019 06:44

Flirting is fine. I think you are getting a hard time. I think others are right and it became awkward because you moved from safe flirting to what felt like a date, and neither of you wanted that.

I am happily married been with my husband for 15 years . I still enjoy a good flirt though, it can just be harmless with no intent behind it.

BlouseAndSkirt · 26/10/2019 07:07

But what IS flirting?

It is obviously a sexual / pre-sexual dynamic because otherwise you wouldn’t have felt awkward later.

What would you have preferred to have happened? That you both continue flirting over lunch? Then later flirt over a bottle of wine after lectures? At what point would you have plonked him into the friends zone?

Is your DH cool with you flirting with someone and then going for lunch (‘being taken out to lunch’ actually) and continuing to flirt through lunch?

minesagin37 · 26/10/2019 07:22

It makes me think you're not to interested in your DH to be honest. I went shopping with a male colleague from work last week as we we were both on a conference but we were just friends. Why do you think it was flirting? Isn't it possible to just talk to someone without it being sexual? He probably just put you in your place so that the rest of the sessions weren't awkward!

Brackish · 26/10/2019 07:27

Well, what did you want to happen? For him to do furiously suggestive lip-biting and footsie under the lunch table and say ‘Alas that it can never be, but if things were different I would want to run through a hay field laughing with you/bend you over this table right now do do filthy things to you’?

agapanthus1979 · 26/10/2019 07:27

@Ringdonna oh lordy, yes!! One of the OU summer schools I went on was OUTRAGEOUS for that!! The other was more sedate. 😆

Brackish · 26/10/2019 07:28

The Yeats Summer School is notorious for the illicit sex... Grin

frostedviolets · 26/10/2019 07:42

I wouldn't dream of flirting with another man!
Absolutely not, why on earth would you if you were happily married?!
ASFAIK my DH feels the same.
You shouldn't have been flirting, it isn't 'innocent and harmless'.
It regularly leads to affairs, which is sounds like the man quickly realised and put a stop to it.

RopeBrick · 26/10/2019 07:44

I completely get it, OP. Women of Mumsnet are completely sexless - for them, flirting is only to bag a husband and get pregnant.

It's harmless fun, and feels great!

Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 07:45

Thanks to those of you who understand where I am coming from, and for giving me good advice.

I definitely don't want to be known as a laughing stock and now I have wondered if anyone noticed the flirtation between us.

The lunch was a mistake. I saw that straight away. And so did he. The scenario was I asked about a sandwich place because I was going to nip out and bring something back to the canteen, he said I know a nice place- but we don't have enough time (not sure if he was friendly or flirty at this point). And next thing the lecturer gives us 45 minutes when we normally have 30 minutes. So, I think we both sort of felt obliged to go. Obviously one of us could have backed out but I think as soon as we left it was awkward.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

Anyway the good thing is I won't see him for a couple of weeks and then only once or twice after that.

I do enjoy a good flirt and I stand by my right to do so now and again. Fair enough if it's not for some people.

I know a lot of people are concerned about my husband's feelings in all this but it's fine. He had coffee with someone else who he shouldn't have a year or so ago. Nothing happened then either. We are pretty grown up about these things. We just chatted about it and moved on. No biggie.

I will probably mention the lunch to him in a few days once my cringe factor dies down.

OP posts:
EntropyRising · 26/10/2019 07:50

You sound hurt to discover that although you don't quite grasp the marital covenant, he does.

A few random flirty encounters = fine. Through random circumstances this is parlayed into something slightly more i.e. lunch, so he sends subtle signals about his wife. He was trying to avoid a messy situation. All good.

Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 07:50

@RopeBrick it is harmless!! Its just flirting and I know my husband does it occasionally too. I'm not about to file the divorce papers for it.

Life is meant to be enjoyed and being attractive to the opposite sex is part of the fun for me.

I don't go looking for it but when it happens, why not, it's a nice little ego boost.

OP posts:
frostedviolets · 26/10/2019 07:51

I completely get it, OP. Women of Mumsnet are completely sexless - for them, flirting is only to bag a husband and get pregnant

Hmm Well, I am far from 'sexless', I'd have it every day. I love flirting, but I don't do it because I respect and value my DH's feelings and wouldn't want to run the risk of flirting developing into something more, which it often does. It's just basic respect for your partner...
EntropyRising · 26/10/2019 07:52

I do enjoy a good flirt and I stand by my right to do so now and again. Fair enough if it's not for some people.

There's nothing wrong with flirting, but it mustn't evolve. Sounds like yours was.

GaaaaarlicBread · 26/10/2019 07:54

No I genuinely don’t think married couples flirt especially for an ‘ego boost’ . Where else other than the friend zone did you expect to be ‘plonked in’ ? You’re married and he has a family !
You’re being petty and definitely not a acting like an adult student that’s for sure.

Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 07:57

@EntropyRising I will tell you something. He started the whole thing. I could tell I caught his eye straight away and he was much flirtier than me. I reciprocated because it was fun. It went too far. And we BOTH stopped it.

OP posts:
Brackish · 26/10/2019 07:57

I think the flirting is irrelevant, except insofar as you’re cross he didn’t reciprocate in the way you wanted and bruised your self-esteem by talking about his wife and family. Maybe he doesn’t think flirting is so harmless? Maybe he’s flirted before and it went on to be an affair? Maybe he’s still trying to repair his marriage? Maybe he was fine with minor twinkling across a classroom but realised you wanted higher-grade flirting over a solo lunch, and he wasn’t comfortable with that?

It’s not all about you and your flirtation ego-boost, you know.