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Original poster

Lunch with a man

104 replies

Flappyjack · 25/10/2019 17:01

I'm a bit weirded out today and wondering if I am over thinking but here goes....

I am a mature student and I have been flirting with another student over the last few weeks. Nothing major, just the twinkly eyed variety. We are both married and I just thought of it as harmless fun.

Today I asked him if there was anywhere close to buy a sandwich because the canteen is a bit grim. He replied if we had longer he would take me to a nice place, but we don't. So that was the end of that. I said to him 'I'll just nip out to train station and grab a sandwich. '

Next thing the lecturer told us we had 45 minutes. There was a bit of an awkward moment but he suggested we go for lunch. Ok, so it feels a bit odd just the two of us, but off we go.

The food was amazing btw! Anyway, he spend some of the time talking about his wife and family etc and I did the same too. To be honest he sounds like he has a lovely, charmed life and we really do live in different worlds. He even paid the bill (using company expenses apparently. )

We go back into class in the afternoon and things now feel really awkward 😥 I don't know how to explain it. I suppose we went from flirting to awkward, chummy pals.

I feel really embarrassed now, like I was coming onto him and he brushed me off, but it was just bit of flirting from both sides.

I'm overthinking this, aren't I? Maybe he just bruised my self esteem a little bit by plonking me firmly in the friends zone.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/10/2019 08:01

I definitely talk to men and sometimes look at them (more awkward I find if I walk into them...). If it makes either of you, or your partners uncomfortable I wouldn't find it fun anymore.

It sounds like a nice lunch to me. I wouldn't overthink it.

Pinkyyy · 26/10/2019 08:01

You sound full of yourself and like you could do with a few less of these 'ego boosts'.

No matter how many times you repeat the fact that it was 'just flirting", what you did was wrong. It's not okay to go on a date with another man. It's not okay to flirt with people when you're married anyway. If your DH doesn't make you feel special and you have to go elsewhere for attention then you have a problem in your marriage.

swingofthings · 26/10/2019 08:05

I think this is exactly how affairs start, and they start because they are encouraged to be so.

His talking about his family is in no way indication that he has not intentions to take things forward. Like you, he probably thinks he is in control but enjoying the game, and will enjoy, like you pushing as far as it can go, thinking you'll pull out when it's gone too far, except that it will happen and it will be too late.

I've gone to lunch with male work colleagues or friends, and I don't think twice about it because the idea of us doing anything more than having a friendly meal doesn't even cross my mind, and if it did, I'd be repulsed at the idea. I have no reason to feel any sense of guild.

Your lunch was very different though, you are attracted to him, he probably to you, and yes, it's wrong because of what you are both feeling. Ignore him from now on besides polite exchange as you have with any of the other pupils and certainly forget any further lunches.

If you don't, you are contributing to trouble, and there will be no trying to justify your actions.

SuchAToDo · 26/10/2019 08:05

When the lecturer said 45 mins for lunch...instead of going somewhere fancy to eat together you should have gone to the train station, got your sandwich (or let him pay for as as he offered you lunch)... Do you see where I'm going with this, buying a fellow student a sandwich from a train station is in a whole different league than going out to dine together somewhere fancy ...

I think you need to concentrate on the reason you are there?(the course)

Also one last thing....if your flirting and the dining together and being upset you got friend zone , is so innocent, then tell your original post to your husband and ask him his advice on what you should do next.....

frostedviolets · 26/10/2019 08:05

I will tell you something. He started the whole thing. I could tell I caught his eye straight away and he was much flirtier than me. I reciprocated because it was fun. It went too far. And we BOTH stopped it

First of all, if a man started twinkly eying me, first I would think yes you've still got you sexy thing admittedly, it is a nice feeling to know you are still desirable, I get that, but I would shut it down straight away.

No reciprocal flirting because as you have seen it frequently leads to getting carried away.

Flirty man obviously felt himself getting carried away and thought shit, what am I doing?! I'd better shut this down.

I see absolutely nothing in your posts to suggest you both shut it down.
You may well disagree but based on what I am reading, I see a woman with poor self esteem who seems to need to flirt to feel sexy and desirable to other men who seems to be genuinely hurt and put out that she has been friend zoned.

Whattodoabout · 26/10/2019 08:10

I’d be pretty fucking gutted if I found out my DH was ‘flirting’ with another woman and had taken her out for dinner (and paid for it all!). I don’t think married people do flirt with others, no. Not if they respect their spouse which I don’t think either of you do.

Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 08:12

Lol @Namechangeforthiscancershit I've done that too.

Thanks for being a steady hand here.

I am finding it quite interesting how I am being made out to be a whore with marriage problems while the man in question is behaving honourable despite the fact he started the whole thing and invited me for the lunch!!! He is now the hero of the story because neither of us wanted it to go further.

So bizarre.

OP posts:
Witchinaditch · 26/10/2019 08:17

It’s quite normal for two classmates to grab lunch together you say you have no intention of taking it further so that should be it. You are way overthinking

SurpriseSparDay · 26/10/2019 08:18

Heaven’s sake, OP - are you deliberately missing the point?

You have the rest of the year with your course mates. That should involve countless instances of coffee sipping, lunch sharing and heading off to the pub after a hard day. All these perfectly normal interactions will become impossible if you plunge into emotional turmoil every time a man smiles at you. Or if you become obsessed with one person and struggle to engage with the rest of the group.

You’re not nineteen. Get a grip and stop being so self indulgent.

(Written with empathy. Being a mature student can be confusing ...)

Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 08:21

God, absolutely no intention of taking it further.

Flirting a bit of fun/ affairs heartbreaking, soul destroying nonsense that ruins people's lives. Erm...no thanks.

I will start concentrating on other friendships in the group and I am already friends with other students outside of class 👍

OP posts:
Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 08:25

@SurpriseSparDay I am not obsessed with anyone.

If you read the thread I have posted that I gave this man no brain space outside of class until yesterday's awkward lunch.

OP posts:
frostedviolets · 26/10/2019 08:27

I am finding it quite interesting how I am being made out to be a whore with marriage problems while the man in question is behaving honourable despite the fact he started the whole thing and invited me for the lunch!!! He is now the hero of the story because neither of us wanted it to go further

He is being made out to be honourable because he found another woman attractive (as many of us do), engaged in a bit of what he probably thought was harmless flirting (as not quite so many but some of us do), it went a bit too far and he realised and closed it down because he didn't want to cheat on his wife.

So yes people will say he was honourable.

You keep saying both, I don't understand why.
There is no suggestion of 'both' in your posts whatsoever.

I, and it seems mostly everyone else are reading it as you felt put out and let down that you'd been 'plonked in friend zone' then started to feel a bit guilty about the whole thing.
That's not quite the same as not wanting to it to go any further.

The choice was taken from you.

I'm intrigued as to what point you would have stopped if he hadn't tbh.

Pinkyyy · 26/10/2019 08:29

You clearly do have marriage problems if you have to flirt with other men to boost your ego.

swingofthings · 26/10/2019 08:33

God, absolutely no intention of taking it further
I bet every single person who ended up having an affair said these exact words.

You are being very naive. It always starts innocently, except that you flirted back and went to lunch for ONE reason, it made you feel good, and as long as it continues to make you feel good, you'll want more of it. By the time you realise you've crossed the line, you'll be hooked and won't want to give up what you feel so good.

You are both playing the game, he loves the chase, you love the attention. If you stop the attention, it will only excites him more to chase harder, the harder he chases, the more flattered you'll be and the more it will make you feel great.

It's a massive red herrings vicious circle. You should have stopped him sooner. It's now in your hands to really stop it going further or lie to yourself pretending you are whilst making sure you look your best going there and counting the days until it happens.

Posters are only giving you a hard time because you are posting. If he did, he'd get the same responses (well actually probably be getting a harder time because he's a man!)

GreekOddess · 26/10/2019 08:36

What is flirting and twinkly eyed behaviour? It's amazing that I've had any relationships as I don't think I've ever flirted because I don't actually know what it means?

BlouseAndSkirt · 26/10/2019 08:50

“And we BOTH stopped it”

“I am finding it quite interesting how I am being made out to be a whore with marriage problems while the man in question is behaving honourable “

“Life is meant to be enjoyed and being attractive to the opposite sex is part of the fun for me. “

“Maybe he just bruised my self esteem a little bit by plonking me firmly in the friends zone.”

Don’t be so dramatic, no one is calling you a whore.

You asked for other people’s perspective, but have resisted anyone whose view doesn’t suit or validate your own.

You say you enjoy flirting and acknowledge that it is to do with sexual attraction, you claim you both stopped it and he isn’t the ‘hero ‘ so if you both stopped it how are you miffed at being “plonked in the friends zone “.

I see people flirting for an ego boost all the time, it’s quite nauseating to watch. I watched a middle aged married man do it in a meeting the other night, Tiresome,

Crystal87 · 26/10/2019 09:39

Stop flirting with other people's husbands while you're married yourself. It won't end well for you. I bet he's regretting taking you to lunch now. You seem so obsessed and full on. Leave the man alone.

Crystal87 · 26/10/2019 09:41

And as a married woman myself, I do sense that men flirt but I'm not interested because my husband ticks all my boxes. Are you sure you're 100% content in your marriage, because feeling the need to seek flirtation with other men suggests you're not.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 26/10/2019 09:50

What are you asking from your post? You ask are you over thinking. I'd say, yes you are.

But you are also protesting a little too much, because maybe you didn't like the responses you hit.

Flirting is harmless. So long as both people have no further intention. It sounds like you dappled with danger a little. Enjoyed the attention but now, due to circumstances you realise that attention has stopped. And you're going to miss it.

If he's a nice fella, why not just enjoy a friendship with him? Although, I have a feeling this isn't over yet....

(does that idea cheer you up?!)

Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 09:51

@GreekOddess I am sure you have been flirted with!

I'll give you a couple of examples of how this man flirted with me. I caught him looking at me a few times, I mentioned I was warm and he jumped out of his seat and opened a window, he put his hand on my waist one time, touched my arm a few times. Eye contact is a big one. That kind of thing. That's quite a lot now I've sat down and thought about it.

Anyway, it's all over now and I am sure I am overthinking all the weirdness. I will be on my best behaviour now and just friendly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flappyjack · 26/10/2019 09:53

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre I don't think a friendship is a good idea. Just going to be friendly to avoid weirdness 👍

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 26/10/2019 09:53

Maybe you don’t actually know the difference between friendly and flirting.

charm8ed · 26/10/2019 09:53

if you like to flirt then flirt with your husband.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 26/10/2019 09:57

Why is it all or nothing? You can be as friendly with him as you are with your other classmates. You say he has plonked you firmly in the friend zone so looks like he'd be OK with a friendship. Why wouldn't you be? You can both stop the twinkly eyes and just get on with being classmates.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 26/10/2019 10:00

OP I would stop wasting your breath here if I were you. I absolutely get what you mean about the flirt and the feeling off later. FWIW, from what you describe, the man was very much into the flirt game. Then he felt that he was leaning in the wrong direction and decided to speak extensively about his wife - to remind himself that he is a good husband and to convince himslef, rather than you, that he is being good. Please don't feel about it. Leave him be with his wife and children. That's about him honestly, not you.