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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I supply food for 18mo when my ex is looking after her for the weekend??

72 replies

ZubinB · 25/10/2019 11:29

Briefly:
My ex and I share 2 kids - 7yo boy and 18mo baby. We have been split for a year and are pretty amicable, he gives me a generous amount of CM per month.
He doesn't have the kids that often - certainly not every other weekend - more the odd evening here and there, few days in holidays, or one child over night, without the other. Basically I am responsible for 99% of the 'childcare'.
So I am taking the 7yo away for the night and he has the little one for 2 nights. He asked (in an expectant fashion) if I was providing food for her over the weekend.
Should I be?? He did once have them for a whole week over the Summer Holidays and took £150 off my CM for that month.
Does receiving a decent CM per month mean you are expected to cover sustenance for 365 days of the year??

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2019 11:31

Of course not! WTF?

YouJustDoYou · 25/10/2019 11:31

Er, no. Has he ever expected you to provide for her whilst with him before??

endofthelinefinally · 25/10/2019 11:31

I MO he should be feeding his own child.

inwood · 25/10/2019 11:32

FFS, no!

Floralnomad · 25/10/2019 11:33

Your ex is a cheeky git , if you haven’t done so already get the CM done legally so he can’t pull that stunt again .

fishonabicycle · 25/10/2019 11:39

No! Child maintenance is all about he time - not when he feels.like it! And he has to make her food himself. Massive twat.

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 25/10/2019 11:40

No. Unless you were breastfeeding and wanted to send expressed milk. Otherwise not.

PralineCookies · 25/10/2019 11:42

WTAF? What a twat. Of course he should feed his child.

abigailsnan · 25/10/2019 11:42

I would worry if x-partner didn't know what your little one likes to eat and I would send some of her favourite foods.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2019 11:42

No of course not.

But then I'm also of the mind that they shouldn't be sent with a packed bag of clothes and other supplies - that the other parent should have sufficient pjs nappies etc for their time. Fair enough if the kids want to bring a favourite toy or two back and forth but otherwise nope - the other parent is on duty with all that entails.

Bellringer · 25/10/2019 11:43

Is he worried what to give her, or just lazy?

QueenWhatevs · 25/10/2019 11:43

LOL I looked after a friend's kid for a couple of hours after school and provided dinner, OF COURSE he should be feeding his child!

AnnaNimmity · 25/10/2019 11:43

no you shouldn't!

He''s her parent - he can feed her. There's a formula for reducing CM, I think they have to have the kids at least 2 nights every week before it kicks in (you may need to check that).

Whattodoabout · 25/10/2019 11:44

You should contact CMS and have direct pay set up. He can’t decide to cut £150 purely because he’s actually parenting his children for a week that month, it’s not how it works. No, you shouldn’t provide food for your children while in his care either. Not sure how you can remain amicable with this CF, he sounds like a wanker.

PinkDaffodil2 · 25/10/2019 11:44

No that’s unreasonable of him - however - if he is paying well above the CSA minimum then there is a risk he will reduce maintenance and you won’t be able to do anything about it, so it’s worth considering if he is likely to do that if you don’t send food and if you’d be alright with that.
You say things are amicable but also that he’s reduced maintenance out of the blue before.
If he’s paying less than the CSA amount then put a claim in, and if it’s not a lot more then you’ve little to lose.

BlueCornsihPixie · 25/10/2019 11:45

No! He's not babysitting for you, he's caring for his own child.

Passthecherrycoke · 25/10/2019 11:45

God he’s stupid 😭

PinkDaffodil2 · 25/10/2019 11:45

Also is it about the cost of the food, or is he not confident to get the right food for her for a weekend if he doesn’t often have her long? If it’s the latter you could send him a list of her normal meals / what she likes?

pinkstar01 · 25/10/2019 11:47

You shouldn't have to ideally,but I would just send it because I would want to make sure my small child would actually eat the stuff they're used to eating. Depends on your baby I guess, mine was intensively fussy and wouldn't eat most things.

Original poster
ZubinB · 25/10/2019 11:49

I provide nappies, wipes, creams, clothes, etc, but buying food in advance and providing it is a ballache! I think it is a money thing TBH - he thinks he has provided me with money to feed her for the month, and he resents having to put his hands in his pockets for any extra? That combined with laziness perhaps, saying that, if has the eldest he doesn't ask for money then....???
I might just ask him why he is asking, but he always gets mega defensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZubinB · 25/10/2019 11:50

I write him a list of what she likes. She's not terribly fussy and is fairly easy.

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 25/10/2019 11:50

But then I'm also of the mind that they shouldn't be sent with a packed bag of clothes and other supplies - that the other parent should have sufficient pjs nappies etc for their time. Fair enough if the kids want to bring a favourite toy or two back and forth but otherwise nope - the other parent is on duty with all that entails.

100% agree. DSS has a whole wardrobe, consoles, games, soft toys etc here, as well as at his mum's. He carries his laptop between homes but that's it.

Your ex really shouldn't be reducing your child maintenance because he's had them for a little while either... it should be calculated on the number of nights he has them over the year.

coconutpie · 25/10/2019 11:51

What is he paying you in CM??

BarbaraofSeville · 25/10/2019 11:52

He's not being petty about the cost of feeding a toddler for a couple of days, is he? Surely not?

What does he normally feed her when he has her? You could give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just concerned about giving her appropriate food that she's used to and enjoys I suppose.

sue51 · 25/10/2019 11:52

No of course you shouldn't. I would send a few changes of clothes though. Nappies and food he can buy himself.