Should I supply food for 18mo when my ex is looking after her for the weekend??

[ZubinB]

Briefly:
My ex and I share 2 kids - 7yo boy and 18mo baby. We have been split for a year and are pretty amicable, he gives me a generous amount of CM per month.
He doesn't have the kids that often - certainly not every other weekend - more the odd evening here and there, few days in holidays, or one child over night, without the other. Basically I am responsible for 99% of the 'childcare'.
So I am taking the 7yo away for the night and he has the little one for 2 nights. He asked (in an expectant fashion) if I was providing food for her over the weekend.
Should I be?? He did once have them for a whole week over the Summer Holidays and took £150 off my CM for that month.
Does receiving a decent CM per month mean you are expected to cover sustenance for 365 days of the year??

He took £150 off your maintenance when he had our shared child for a week!! Does he not realise that maintenance is to cover the cost of things like mortgage, gas etc and these costs increase when you have kids as you need a larger property. You couldn’t just inform these people that you’re paying less. I’d have been onto the CMS as soon as he pulled that stunt.

£800.

*your shared child

Not a good typo 🤦‍♀️ I’m pretty sure we don’t have kids together OP!

he gives me a generous amount of CM per month.

A generous amount or what he should be paying you anyway? If he should be paying you £500 and is paying you £800 then I probably would provide a couple of simple meals and Tupperware boxes with cereal and snacks. If he is paying £800 and that’s what CMS say he should be paying (or that he should be paying more) then no, I wouldn’t.

Whether £800 is generous depends on how much he earns. And how often he has them overnight. Use the CMS calculator and recognize that, even if it sounds like a lot of money, it makes not actually be 'generous'; it may, in fact, be minimal.

He needs to pay for food when he has them. And not reduce maintenance because he's decided to be a father for a week.

If he’s paying well over the recommended csa then I’d be careful not to rock the boat. You shouldn’t be sending food really, but he may decide to cut his very generous maintenance if you annoy him

He’d have to be earning around £1500 a week to be paying minimum csa maintenance for two children

If he's got each of them less than a night a week, he'd be underpaying on £800 a month if he earned £1500 a week. By more than £100.

If he is paying over and above the CM then maybe you could dont keep the peace.
If he is paying the calculated rate then no, he also shouldn't have deducted anything when they stayed for a week because it is worked out on averages and it doesn't change until you go over 1-2nights per week as an average!
When my dd was 6 -12 months I did used to send the correct amount of her formula and a bottle as it was pointless him buying the small amount for one feed until his mum or gf cant remember pointed out that she and he could just buy one carton of ready made.

I was going to say he should be supplying food himself but if he pays way over the recommended amount for CM then I'd probably just send some.

Maybe because she's so young and you have her mostly, he's not sure what to give her? (not that that's an excuse as such, as her dad he should know what his child eats)

I don't know exactly how much he earns, I think around £60k pa, which taking into account how much he has the children, his contribution should be £740 pcm

Don’t mention it again. Greet him with a broad smile when you drop her off, foodless. When he asks about food, say “OMG... I thought you were kidding!” Hopefully he will feel like a tit and learn how to open a can of baked beans.

Yes! She will eat baked beans as well, quite happily

If the minimum he should pay is £740 and he pays £800 then it's hardly generous tbh.
Cms calculation takes into account how many nights he has them during the year. He absolutely should not be removing money from it when he has them.

If he paid double the minimum amount for instance and was very time poor / unsure what to feed her and he asked nicely to provide meals then I'd say go ahead but not in these circumstances.

Oh, he did say to me earlier 'I provide you with food for the dog when you have him'
That's sh*tty ,right??!

I'd ask him if he's comparing his children to dogs.

I'd probably give a few things and treats to start him off and explain he will have to buy his own stuff.

Oh, he did say to me earlier 'I provide you with food for the dog when you have him'
That's shtty ,right??!*

Is it his dog that you look after for him sometimes or do you share custody of a dog you had when you were together?

This is our dog who we had before the kids. If he has the kids, I have the dog. Now the dog IS a fussy eater and his food changes all the time. But surely dog Vs daughter is incomparable??

he doesn't have a right to just deduct money from maintenance. I'd look at setting up direct pay too actually.

And he's paying money for his own child - so many men resent paying it and see it as paying their ex. Or see it as absolving them of any need to do any parenting. I'd just laugh at him when he suggests it and say no. Shut the door and walk off. If he deducts any more, go back to the CMS.

It also sounds a little like he believes the money pays for the food, clothes, utitilites and for you to do all the thinking involved.

To be honest, while I agree with other posters, I would send food with your daughter, just to make sure she is fed and she doesn't suffer because of his issues.

You may like to look into getting CM put on an official footing if you think he won't keep changing jobs or hiding money. You know him best.

No one gives me money for looking after the DC friends if they come round. Should I therefore be expecting their parents to send food with them? Of course not.

He is pathetic wanting you to provide food for his own child.

For 2 days I would provide some food - cereal, fruit, baked beans or whatever else she likes, snacks, etc. and let him get the rest. That way you've donated something and he can't really complain.

You shouldn't have to but on this occasion I would.

Honestly, pick your battles.

No you should not have to provide food for your 18 month old to spend two nights with her DF. However if he is paying over the odds in maintenance maybe just suck it up. Consider the extra £60 a month as the "my ex is a petty twat" fund.