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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call friend out on negative comments about my children

60 replies

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 10:36

There are 3 friends in my group. Myself, Mary and Jane (not real names obv)
Myself and Mary both have kids. She has 1 aged 4 I have 2, couple of years older. She has met them a couple of times when we have popped in workplace , no longer than 10 minutes each time. My older child is chatty, younger is shy. They both always say hello, please, thank you, you're welcome as necessary. Generally very well behaved when we are out.

She has made sly digs about my kids behaviour. Couple of examples. Myself, Mary and Jane going somewhere in car. I was saying how their Dad is not that interested in spending time with them (we are divorced) and that it's his loss because they are nice kids, or something to that effect. She then responded with - eh, YOUR kids came in to work and knocked a bunch of calendars on the floor for no apparent reason!!!
She was referring to an incident where my older child accidentally knocked over a stack of calenders, said oops, sorry, and proceeded to pick them up.

Second example, I am getting some hassle at work from an office bully (lots of people have had issues with her, no big deal really) but I was telling Mary about it and said that I had found it difficult to bite my tongue and ignore her, and that I had left work feeling angry about her behaviour. Mary then responded with "well I see where your kids get it from" as if we all have major anger issues!
She is generally a little condescending and a bit of a know it all, but I ignore usually.

I don't know if i should send her a message and say that it's upsetting, and how would she feel if i said anything remotely negative about her child?
Or should I leave it until there is another comment?
Jane stays quiet and looks awkward when those comments are made. I don't want to say anything in front of her for fear of dragging her into it.

I realise this is no big deal really, but it's bugging me, especially as my kids are well behaved and mannerly when out (They have their moments at home to be fair, I'm not a delusional mother)

OP posts:
Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 10:39

Just to add, she is going through relationship breakdown at the moment, and her other group of friends are not being very supportive, so I feel maybe I should let it slide?

OP posts:
OrangeTwirlGate · 25/10/2019 10:43

What a cow!
I would wait u til her next comment and mention it then.
“Woah have you got a problem with my kids or something as that’s not the first time you’ve made a random dig?”
Type thing.

Also as she is a cow I wouldn’t keep her as a friend just an acquaintance

FreeBedForFlys · 25/10/2019 10:45

She’s not your friend. She’s horrible. Call her on it and then distance yourself from her as much as possible.

themuttsnutts · 25/10/2019 10:46

What does Jane think? Sounds as if she'd be on side. She sounds a bitch, btw, and the digs are not sly at all. No wonder she's going through a bust up. If she's like this in the office, what's she like at home?

littlepaddypaws · 25/10/2019 10:47

mary is a friend, are you sure about that ? everyone has problems but to make snidey comments about your dc, it's abit below the belt.
jane quite rightly possibly sees a bigger picture but wants to be like switzerland and stay neutral, as i would in her place,

IdblowJonSnow · 25/10/2019 10:47

Don't let anyone dis your kids. Snide cow.
And don't be nice about it. Just say stop being rude about my children.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/10/2019 10:49

She’s not your friend and she doesn’t deserve your sympathy about her situation. She is insulting your children, and you. Friends don’t insult each other.

I wouldn’t want to spend another minute in her company.

RhiWrites · 25/10/2019 10:50

Try asking her “what do you mean?” when she says something like that and wait. You could also say “I don’t understand. Kate knocked over those calendars, said sorry and picked them up did you see something I didn’t?”

You could give her the Hmm face.

DriftingLeaves · 25/10/2019 10:50

She isn't your friend.

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 10:51

Thanks, I've recently come off antidepressants that I've been on since my own breakup and I wasn't sure if I was being over sensitive. I think I will wait til next comment, and if we are alone I'll say it to her face, if not I'll message her privately after. I don't want drama, but my kids have been through a lot, between their Dad being a twat, health problems etc. And I've had to really work on both of them with confidence building, not being pushovers with other kids etc,. They are not the kind to ne rude or mean or inconsiderate of others at all, so getting these comments really hits a nerve

OP posts:
Readytogogogo · 25/10/2019 10:51

Mary isn't a friend.

C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2019 10:52

I wouldnt say youre upset about it. Because that is your emotion. I would say that she is being very rude. Make it about her behaviour, not your reaction to it.

areyouafraidofthedark · 25/10/2019 10:52

Mary would be going bye bye and I would tell her exactly why!

C0untDucku1a · 25/10/2019 10:53

Next thing she says, respond with ‘wow that was rude’ and a shocked face. Then silence.

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2019 10:53

She’s a know it all and condescending: not generally behaviour associated with nice and pleasant people. Why are you friends? I’d have cut loose a while ago.

GreySheep · 25/10/2019 10:54

Totally call her out on it if she says one more comment. There and then.

If you won’t defend your kids who will afterall.

She’s a bully and bullies rely on people letting them get away with it.

CarolDanvers · 25/10/2019 10:54

She sounds like a snide twat.

Dump as a friend, be scrupulously polite as a work colleague.

lyingwanker · 25/10/2019 10:54

You need to confront her, don't let this slide just because she's going through a tough time. Your kids have also been through a tough time with their mum and dad splitting up, she clearly didn't give a shit about all of your feelings did she?

CandiceSucksCandy · 25/10/2019 10:55

Maybe at the next horrid comment say 'wow Mary, I can see why your other friends aren't being supportive for you if you speak to them like like'

Mary can fuck off.
She is not a friend.

Deadringer · 25/10/2019 10:55

I would be raging if my 'friend' said those things to me, what a bitch! I would say 'what a nasty thing to say about my child/children' every time, and I really wouldn't consider her a friend.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/10/2019 10:57

Ah OP. You can teach your lovely kids to not be pushovers by modelling that behaviour. So don’t be a pushover.

That means dropping the friendship in my opinion - because she isn’t a friend.

And if she’s happy to insult you and your children in front of people, then call her out in front of people. None of this texting later business.

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 10:58

Jane would be very much no drama tbh. She is a few years younger, has no kids and is a bit clueless about children in general. Mary genuinely is nice most of the time.
She is, however, obsessed with her dc (her own words) and i know well if it was the other way around she would be saying something.
Maybe I should just message her now and tell her I don't appreciate the comments, to put herself in my shoes and imagine if someone said similar about her own child.
Then i can put it out of my head!
Or she will respond badly and that will decide the future of my friendship.

I can't imagine lacking the self awareness to say something like that about someone's children

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 11:01

What an asshole, I'd have jumped straight on that after the first comment. You don't make digs at peoples children. Stand up for yourself and them OP, there's no excuse for that, no matter what's going on with her

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 11:01

Sorry I was slow typing and missed some comments. Countduck you are right i meed to make it about her behaviour not my emotions

OP posts:
MoobaaMoobaa · 25/10/2019 11:03

her other group of friends are not being very supportive

Maybe the reason for this is, she's actually not a very nice person.

You seem to be forgiving a lot of her other behaviour, as well a the digs about your DC.

Get yourself some self respect and boundaries. Don't bother calling her out on it, just tell her you have decided she's just too rude and self absorbed, and you won't be the stooge to make her feel better about herself whilst she makes digs at you.