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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call friend out on negative comments about my children

60 replies

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 10:36

There are 3 friends in my group. Myself, Mary and Jane (not real names obv)
Myself and Mary both have kids. She has 1 aged 4 I have 2, couple of years older. She has met them a couple of times when we have popped in workplace , no longer than 10 minutes each time. My older child is chatty, younger is shy. They both always say hello, please, thank you, you're welcome as necessary. Generally very well behaved when we are out.

She has made sly digs about my kids behaviour. Couple of examples. Myself, Mary and Jane going somewhere in car. I was saying how their Dad is not that interested in spending time with them (we are divorced) and that it's his loss because they are nice kids, or something to that effect. She then responded with - eh, YOUR kids came in to work and knocked a bunch of calendars on the floor for no apparent reason!!!
She was referring to an incident where my older child accidentally knocked over a stack of calenders, said oops, sorry, and proceeded to pick them up.

Second example, I am getting some hassle at work from an office bully (lots of people have had issues with her, no big deal really) but I was telling Mary about it and said that I had found it difficult to bite my tongue and ignore her, and that I had left work feeling angry about her behaviour. Mary then responded with "well I see where your kids get it from" as if we all have major anger issues!
She is generally a little condescending and a bit of a know it all, but I ignore usually.

I don't know if i should send her a message and say that it's upsetting, and how would she feel if i said anything remotely negative about her child?
Or should I leave it until there is another comment?
Jane stays quiet and looks awkward when those comments are made. I don't want to say anything in front of her for fear of dragging her into it.

I realise this is no big deal really, but it's bugging me, especially as my kids are well behaved and mannerly when out (They have their moments at home to be fair, I'm not a delusional mother)

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 25/10/2019 11:09

Tell her you can see why her relationship is breaking down...

If she can say shit like this to you then she should be able to take it.

Fink · 25/10/2019 11:12

I wouldn't message her now if I were you, because she will likely make some comment along the lines of 'Wow, are you still thinking about that?! That was ages ago, let it drop!' So basically minimise the incident and blame it on you for dwelling on things.

Wait until it happens again and then confront her directly, whether there is anyone else there or not. If Jane or someone else is there as a witness, so much the better. It sounds as though you work with these people, so a witness wouldn't hurt in case this gets dragged into work matters.

No need to be OTT, there are plenty of good examples upthread. Just don't engage in an argument about your dc's beahviour, and instead make it about her rude comment.

Original poster

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 11:19

Thanks all, some great advice here. I will be prepared with quick and to the point responses next time.
I need to stop being a pushover.
Thinking about it, there are a few other colleagues that I get the impression they don't have much time for her although they don't work as closely with her as Jane and I. Starting to see why.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 25/10/2019 11:20

Why message her now? If she says something like that again, just say something there and then.

DPotter · 25/10/2019 11:21

I'm with several other pp here - don't message her now, leave it until there's another remark and raise it then. Even if there are other people about, in fact definitely if there are others about. There are some people for whom the snide negative remark is an automatic think to say - they just can't help themselves, they almost don't think about what they are saying. You need to challenge there and then - leaving it for later will make it sound petty on your part and she won't even remember the remark.
If she's making these remarks in front of your children and they are aware of them - challenge her in front of them - they need to know you have their backs

Zebraaa · 25/10/2019 11:40

Is perhaps Mary seeing something you don’t see?

HollowTalk · 25/10/2019 11:47

Is perhaps Mary seeing something you don’t see?

Oh ffs, @zebraaa, what a stupid comment. Read the thread.

Original poster

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 11:49

Zebra, no, definitely not. As I said she has met them a couple of times for a few minutes each time. In that time they were well behaved. There was the calender incident which was clearly accidental, and handled well by my DC.

But even if they had been whiney or something (which they were not), would it be her place to bring it up and comment weeks/months later?

OP posts:

DarlingNikita · 25/10/2019 11:52

She's unpleasant and a weirdo. Who on earth remembers and brings back up stuff like the calendar incident (non-incident actually)?
I'd wait for the next comment and say 'That's a few times you've said negative things about my children.' Look at her calmly and wait.

Daddystilllost · 25/10/2019 11:54

Please do not wait until the next comment. Why allow her to make yet another upsetting, hurtful comment about your children?

Original poster

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 11:56

And I am in no way under the illusion that my children are perfect Zebraaa, we've had our share of issues, but they are well behaved generally when we are out. They have their moments at home, like any other child.
Have been thinking too about her attitude to other friends kids, according to her they, along with her siblings children are all little brats that are mean to her perfect child. I don't know any of those kids.

OP posts:

Daddystilllost · 25/10/2019 11:56

Take charge OP, don't be a walkover. By waiting until the next comment, you're putting her first instead of your kids. Deal with it now and get it over & done with. Issue resolved

MummyJasmin · 25/10/2019 11:57

What a bitch

VocalDuck · 25/10/2019 11:58

I don’t understand why you didn’t pull her up on the comments at the time. If you do spend more time with her, then immediately say something anytime she makes a comment.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 25/10/2019 11:58

It IS a big deal.

Janaih · 25/10/2019 11:59

I used to know someone like this. very much the dish it out but can't take it type. she got through friendship groups like anything.

practice what you will say next time she comes out with one of her snipes. I bet any money she will throw a huge strop and post a passive aggressive meme on Facebook.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/10/2019 12:01

Even if they aren't the best behaved kids in the world, she needs to keep her mouth shut, what business is it of hers anyway? It was clearly said to offend you or knock you down a peg. That's not someone I'd want in my life

HotChoc10 · 25/10/2019 12:02

She’s blaming your kids for their dad not being involved in their lives – she’s horrible.

Brefugee · 25/10/2019 12:05

if it happens again stop whatever it is you're doing, look her in the eye and say "that's one too many snidey comments about my children." and go.

Good luck

Original poster

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 12:06

Hotchoc you hit the nail on the head. That comment was made last May and I'm still cross.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 12:09

Yes, brefugee, that's a good one. I think I'll say something to get the point across and then walk away as I hate confrontation. My hands will literally be shaking.
In case it's not clear, I am not some cocky bitch that needs to be taken down a peg...

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2019 12:15

Oh god the my pfb is perfect routine. Let me guess, her dd is only little, whereas yours are a few years older and therefore almost adults and should know best. Nasty nasty comments. I had this shit from my sil. My dd was 6/7 at the time.

Shoutymomma · 25/10/2019 12:16

Give her one more strike. Next time she snipes, say “Right, I have let this go before, it now I want to know exactly why you are unpleasant about my beloved children?” Alternatively, just kick her in the fanny.

Brefugee · 25/10/2019 12:26

I think I'll say something to get the point across and then walk away as I hate confrontation. My hands will literally be shaking.

good luck - how about practicing it before?

Original poster

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 12:38

Mummyoflittledragon, yes, exactly. Her little darling can do no wrong.

Shoutymomma and brefugee, yes I will practice before. And I like the "I've let this go before" bit, it won't look like I'm losing my shit over an isolated incident.
If i get too shakey I'll just go with the swift kick to the fanny suggestion.

OP posts:

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