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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call friend out on negative comments about my children

60 replies

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 10:36

There are 3 friends in my group. Myself, Mary and Jane (not real names obv)
Myself and Mary both have kids. She has 1 aged 4 I have 2, couple of years older. She has met them a couple of times when we have popped in workplace , no longer than 10 minutes each time. My older child is chatty, younger is shy. They both always say hello, please, thank you, you're welcome as necessary. Generally very well behaved when we are out.

She has made sly digs about my kids behaviour. Couple of examples. Myself, Mary and Jane going somewhere in car. I was saying how their Dad is not that interested in spending time with them (we are divorced) and that it's his loss because they are nice kids, or something to that effect. She then responded with - eh, YOUR kids came in to work and knocked a bunch of calendars on the floor for no apparent reason!!!
She was referring to an incident where my older child accidentally knocked over a stack of calenders, said oops, sorry, and proceeded to pick them up.

Second example, I am getting some hassle at work from an office bully (lots of people have had issues with her, no big deal really) but I was telling Mary about it and said that I had found it difficult to bite my tongue and ignore her, and that I had left work feeling angry about her behaviour. Mary then responded with "well I see where your kids get it from" as if we all have major anger issues!
She is generally a little condescending and a bit of a know it all, but I ignore usually.

I don't know if i should send her a message and say that it's upsetting, and how would she feel if i said anything remotely negative about her child?
Or should I leave it until there is another comment?
Jane stays quiet and looks awkward when those comments are made. I don't want to say anything in front of her for fear of dragging her into it.

I realise this is no big deal really, but it's bugging me, especially as my kids are well behaved and mannerly when out (They have their moments at home to be fair, I'm not a delusional mother)

OP posts:
itsmecathycomehome · 25/10/2019 12:44

Do you ever complain about your own children, or tell her about any bad behaviour at home? I'm just wondering whether that's where her comment ' I can see where they get it from' came from?

I would say something next time she does it rather than now.

INeedAFlerken · 25/10/2019 12:52

I would take a huge step back from anyone who suggested it was the fault of children that their dad didn't want to spend time with them. Huge step.

I can't believe you didn't say anything. She sounds horrible to put that on on children.

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/10/2019 12:58

My mum was very passive if anything like this happened and she said that she learned to stand up for herself (or us more accurately) by imagining us hearing what was being said and reacting accordingly.

So if someone said that I always had my nose in a book and why wasn't I more sociable, instead of saying "she's just quiet", she'd say "well she loves reading and plays with her friends when she wants to, I think it's great she knows who she is so early!"

Don't know if that's any help but just in case Smile

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 13:10

Itsme I've given that a lot of thought after each comment but I really wouldn't be saying very negative things about them, other than one time I remember saying one of them was literally moving in slow motion as we were trying to get out to school in the morning.. Other than that it's just funny things they do and say but I don't spend lots of time talking about them anyway. Sometimes if they are upset about something their Dad has done that comes up. She def talks about her kid way more.

Ineedaflerken I know. I should have said something the first time. To be honest it took me by surprise and it takes me a minute to process ie, did she actually mean what i think she did

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Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 13:14

Avacado that's a very good way to look at it

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NearlyGranny · 25/10/2019 13:26

She sounds as if things are quite wobbly in her life at the moment. You are in a better place. You've cut her quite a lot of slack but it's upsetting you and you haven't challenged it. You don't want confrontation and hate conflict but you are feeling angry and defensive, as any parent would. You've done nothing wrong here but you feel you're being walked over and your children maligned.

I think there's a way to stop this without confronting her and risking open conflict and unpleasant fallout.

Wait for her to make a comment and simply ask her, in a calm but puzzled way, "Why would you say that?" If she blusters or starts to describe incidents, follow up swiftly with, "You barely know my children; why would you say that?"

Suddenly the focus will come off your lovely kids and onto her nasty comments and she will be the one justifying herself and feeling rattled. She will probably pull right back.

This tactic works in all sorts of situations:" Why would you say/ask/do that?" and pull back to let them think about it!

Branleuse · 25/10/2019 13:52

Mary should fuck right off with her shitty opinions

FizzyGreenWater · 25/10/2019 14:00

Mary isn't a friend

This is it in a nutshell. Ok, pul her up - but honestly the most positive thing you can do here is realise early that Mary may be 'genuinely nice most of the time' right now, but the truth is that she isn't a friend. You're seeing the early warning signs.

So I would dump now, before The Thing happens which means you fall out anyway, and it's easier to move away from her before you become better, longer-standing friends.

The work colleagues' attitude also backs this up - she's bad news.

Lizzie0869 · 25/10/2019 14:06

She's really not a friend at all, she's plain nasty. I also think you should get rid.

Crazybirdlady · 25/10/2019 20:32

Thanks everyone. I've decided that next time such a remark is made i will calmly say look, that's not the first time you have commented negatively on my children. I've let it slide before but if you do it again we will no longer be friends. And when she tells me I'm being dramatic I'll say no, you are being rude. And then I'll walk away.

I am also going to distance myself emotionally and not invest too much in the friendship. We all work together and occasionally do spa breaks or cinema etc which I enjoy so I will keep going to those. But I won't be meeting her on her own or talking to her about my personal life in any detail.

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