Newborn sleep, DH going out - AIBU?

[Daisy169]

I have a 4 week old DD and a 2 year old DS.

So far, I've been fortunate this time that DD will cluster feed late afternoon/early evening and then fall asleep at around 8pm.
Every night for about the last 3 weeks, DH has held her from then until her next wake up, usually about 10.30pm although on one occasion it was midnight. He does this to try to guarantee me a decent stretch of sleep because for the rest of the night, it's the typical newborn sleep pattern of whenever she so much as wriggles slightly or feels even mildly hungry she wakes up and needs feeding. Typically, this is every 45 minutes. Last night, aside from the initial 2 hours when DH held her, I had a 1 hour chunk and then another half hour chunk. That's it. DS is now up for the day, doesn't go to nursery today, and so I'm committed to a day of cbeebies and inhaling coffee (with the odd tantrum and plenty of nappy changes thrown in).

DH is going for a few drinks with his friend tonight. He asked me if this was okay (something we've done since having our toddler, more of a heads up to let the other know they'll have to stay home that night than genuine permission seeking). I did a breezy, yeah course, as we'd always do before. But then it dawned on me that, in going out, he's taking that guaranteed decent chunk of sleep from me. I want him to see his friend, but that stretch of sleep is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

I talked to him about it last night (before the even more awful than usual nights "sleep"). He asked how long we'd keep up the current arrangement of him holding DD for and stated it's not fair that he can't go out/he hasn't seen his mates for ages and can't during the day like I can. I get his point, he should be able to socialise and I do get to see some mum friends during the day (we throw coffee at ourselves and snatch conversation between chasing toddlers round soft play /plying them with snacks to sit still). But the other part of me thinks that I haven't had a full night's sleep in months (pregnancy ruins that, although not as badly as a newborn), I'm still bleeding for gods sake, I grew and birthed this baby and I'm surviving because we're working as a team and I don't want him to take that away. My mental health suffered so badly with DS and I really don't want to spiral downwards again. I also had the opportunity to go out for the night to a friend's, taking DD with me, but turned it down because right now the sleep is more important to me.

AIBU to not want him to go out? Part of me thinks, it's 2 hours sleep, get over it. You'll live. But then part of me wants to curl into a ball and sob because that's the only decent stretch of sleep I'm going to get tonight (unless a miracle happens and DD decides that night time is for sleeping). And I know this phase of parenting is rubbish, with less of everything either parent wants, but it's short lived and I want DH to see what his night out means I have to sacrifice. He spends the rest of the night in the spare room, getting up if our toddler needs him which is thankfully only once a week maybe, and I don't think he understands how debilitating this sleep deprivation is because I'm coping during the day just about and he doesn't see me during the night.

I feel your pain with the tiredness but for one evening for a couple of hours, I would probably let him go. Could he agree not to drink and then take the baby for a couple of hours when he gets back? Or assuming he doesn't work Saturdays, give you some extra catch-up sleep time tomorrow?

If she falls asleep at 8pm why is he holding her ?

If he goes he needs to give you catch up time at the weekend.

In fact he should do that anyway

I do remember the exhaustion but I think YABU. I say this with kindness. It's not like he's some arse who never does his bit.

When I read the title, I thought it was going to be the typical thread you see on Mumsnet. Arsehole father going out every sat and sun, coming home shitfaced at 4 am and not doing anything.

I would suggest you let him go and try not to show how unhappy the thought of.it makes you.

Poor you, this stage is so hard. I don’t think anyone understands the sleep deprivation unless they’ve lived it.

I had a similar situation and he did go out. I fully remember the terror of facing a whole night without even two hours of respite. I think I made sure I was ready for bed before he left and had loads of drinks etc nearby then just went to bed with the baby in my arms. If I’m remembering correctly it wasn’t that much worse in the end.

Good luck!

Yes YABVU.
He's entitled to some downtime.
You knew exactly how it'd be when you chose to have another baby, in the nicest possible way.

@pelirocco123 I assume because like lots of tiny babies she will only sleep while she is being held and will wake as soon as is put down?

When I saw the title of the thread I was going to say yabu but when I read the post I changed my mind.
Could he cancel this week and arrange for next week but arrange someone else to come over and watch the baby so you can get the block of sleep?

Its Saturday tomorrow, could he get up early with both kids so you could have a chunk of sleep in the morning rather than in the evening?

Thank you for being gentle in your disagreement, I think I posted because I know really that IABU. He definitely is not the typical mumsnet arsehole and we are very much a great team.

He had said he'd give me chance to nap at the weekend, I hadn't thought of suggesting he does the holding overnight tonight though, he might agree to that as he's not going out to get drunk just to have a couple with his friend. I'd rather the night time sleep, it seems much more restorative than a daytime nap.

To the pp who asked why he holds her - because she's brand new still and wakes up after a much shorter time if he puts her down. Holding her keeps her asleep for longer. I don't need to be told we're making a rod, this works for us and worked with DS. They're only tiny for a short time.

I would let him go happily, on the proviso that tomorrow afternoon you get to go to bed for a snooze in the afternoon.

Then I would go to bed with baby the minute your toddler goes to bed and snuggle up in bed with the baby (can you safely co sleep?) and snooze in between feeds. Ask dh to sleep on the sofa for tonight so he doesn't disturb you, or come to bed when he hears you are both awake.

It's very difficult and you end up feeling resentful of dhs normalish routine I know. And sleep is vital but for the sake of a couple of hours I would let it go if you can get those couple of hours tomorrow.

Have you thought about swaddling her? It might trick her into thinking she is bring held when wrapped tight?

Have you got anyone else who can come sub in for him while he goes out? Call on family. Sleep deprivation is the pits and YABU but you know that. Let him go and find some way else to get that sleep. Is she in a Moses basket all snuggled up when you put her down? Go to bed at 8pm and put the Moses basket next to you and just shh shh shh if she wakes between 8 and 10. When he gets home at 10/11 get him to take her then until midnight and get some sleep then

Actually if it’s friday he could do all night as he hasn’t got to work in the morning

I would expect dh to give up his nights out as long as we needed, but certainly for the first 8 weeks. We did exactly what you’re doing. He would take them after early evening feed. I would sleep til 10ish, wake and feed, he would walk in circles around the lounge until 1am, then I would take over. It worked really well and we did it about 6 weeks with both of ours.

I don’t recall dh going out at all before about 12 weeks. His friends live quite far so it’s more of an overnight or a weekend than a few drinks.

In general, evenings are often tough for us to spend time together as we’re busy and tired and usually prefer bed to going out. So often dh would meet a friend for lunch or a few drinks in the afternoon instead and still be home to help with bedtime. It’s easier when they are a bit older but initially it’s a small sacrifice to make so everyone can be well and hold on to their sanity.

frouby We do cosleep most of the time, it doesn't stop her waking but I can sometimes get her latched on correctly so I can sleep while she feeds. It's probably what I'll do tonight. I just have to be careful cos a poor latch gave me a blocked duct and mastitis with DS when we fully coslept. DH sleeps in the spare room for now so if I'm not already awake, he won't wake me when he comes home.

nomoreclue If she's in her own bed, she's in a sleepyhead in a bedside crib. I know lots of people are anti using them, but we've pulled all the tricks to try to get her sleeping longer! What I haven't tried actually is putting her down without the sleepyhead so that might be worth a try at some point. She's breastfed so I'd need to feed her during the night. With DS, as he got bigger and actually needed feeding less I would sleep in the spare room occasionally and DH would bring him in when he really needed feeding and wouldn't settle with shhhing and patting. We'll do that again at some point.

Did he actually say “it’s not fair” when you’ve got a 4 week old baby?

HIBVU. There’s plenty of time to catch up with his mates when his newly post-partum wife doesn’t need his help of an evening.

I would expect dh to give up his nights out as long as we needed, but certainly for the first 8 weeks.
I agree!

Yanbu. With a four week old (and a two year old) it's survival.

I’m sitting here feeding my 4 week old and think YANBU. I’m getting a couple of 2/3 hour stretches now but also EBF and when she was waking more regularly the only thing keeping me going is that DH would do a couple of hours.

The thing that’s helped us get a longer stretch overnight is firstly using white noise, and also expressing a bottle during the day that we then give her before bed so she’s stuffed full and crashes out in a milk coma for a bit longer - not sure if it’s things you’ve already tried.

Hold the baby if necessary but I wouldn't be planning who holds her every night. When til? A year? 2?
I ebf and let dh sleep. He took ds downstairs about 5/6 and I had a couple of undisturbed hours then. Personally that's my vital sleep time! 2 ratty sleep deprived people and a baby isn't a good combination...

YANBU

A 2 hour visit to his friend means a 24 hours without sleep for you. Asking how long the current arrangement will last - I'm sure you'd love to know that as well! Sitting with a baby until 10.30 when you're then going to bed all night isn't a massive ask.

As an aside are you sure your baby hasn't got tongue tie (has she been checked by a qualified practitioner), this was behind my daughters frequent wake ups and was missed by all the midwives but was causing her to wake very frequently and led to awful sleep habits that were very difficult to break

Ah OP the early days are so tough aren't they.
I have an 12wo DS and a 4.5yo DD and I fully empathise but I do think YABU. It's one night.

I am also EBFing/co-sleeping and I recommend you crack side lying. Scour Kellymom.com or join a local La Leche League FB group for tips, side lying is your saviour. I also had blocked ducts with DD but with her and DS the ability to latch on and go back to sleep is vital, especially if you've got another kid to look after.
Hope you manage to work it out.

I think your lucky to have a husband who does that for you, he deserves to go out lol.

Sleepyhead is brilliant, will solve all your problems

YANBU. He needs to recognise that in going you would not sleep that day. It means not just no sleep tonight, but coping tomorrow. It's not on.

He's entitled to some downtime.
You knew exactly how it'd be when you chose to have another baby, in the nicest possible way

Eh? Does this not apply more to DH's expectation of going to the pub with a newborn at home? Is his downtime more important than OP's 2hr stretch of sleep?

Could you express a bit of milk so he could do one night feed and give you a better stretch? Tbh with our 12wk old we added one 100ml FF so I can sleep from 5am-8.30 but I appreciate this won't be everyone's first choice.