Newborn sleep, DH going out - AIBU?

[Daisy169]

I have a 4 week old DD and a 2 year old DS.

So far, I've been fortunate this time that DD will cluster feed late afternoon/early evening and then fall asleep at around 8pm.
Every night for about the last 3 weeks, DH has held her from then until her next wake up, usually about 10.30pm although on one occasion it was midnight. He does this to try to guarantee me a decent stretch of sleep because for the rest of the night, it's the typical newborn sleep pattern of whenever she so much as wriggles slightly or feels even mildly hungry she wakes up and needs feeding. Typically, this is every 45 minutes. Last night, aside from the initial 2 hours when DH held her, I had a 1 hour chunk and then another half hour chunk. That's it. DS is now up for the day, doesn't go to nursery today, and so I'm committed to a day of cbeebies and inhaling coffee (with the odd tantrum and plenty of nappy changes thrown in).

DH is going for a few drinks with his friend tonight. He asked me if this was okay (something we've done since having our toddler, more of a heads up to let the other know they'll have to stay home that night than genuine permission seeking). I did a breezy, yeah course, as we'd always do before. But then it dawned on me that, in going out, he's taking that guaranteed decent chunk of sleep from me. I want him to see his friend, but that stretch of sleep is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

I talked to him about it last night (before the even more awful than usual nights "sleep"). He asked how long we'd keep up the current arrangement of him holding DD for and stated it's not fair that he can't go out/he hasn't seen his mates for ages and can't during the day like I can. I get his point, he should be able to socialise and I do get to see some mum friends during the day (we throw coffee at ourselves and snatch conversation between chasing toddlers round soft play /plying them with snacks to sit still). But the other part of me thinks that I haven't had a full night's sleep in months (pregnancy ruins that, although not as badly as a newborn), I'm still bleeding for gods sake, I grew and birthed this baby and I'm surviving because we're working as a team and I don't want him to take that away. My mental health suffered so badly with DS and I really don't want to spiral downwards again. I also had the opportunity to go out for the night to a friend's, taking DD with me, but turned it down because right now the sleep is more important to me.

AIBU to not want him to go out? Part of me thinks, it's 2 hours sleep, get over it. You'll live. But then part of me wants to curl into a ball and sob because that's the only decent stretch of sleep I'm going to get tonight (unless a miracle happens and DD decides that night time is for sleeping). And I know this phase of parenting is rubbish, with less of everything either parent wants, but it's short lived and I want DH to see what his night out means I have to sacrifice. He spends the rest of the night in the spare room, getting up if our toddler needs him which is thankfully only once a week maybe, and I don't think he understands how debilitating this sleep deprivation is because I'm coping during the day just about and he doesn't see me during the night.

Huge hugs OP. Don't listen to people who wang on about making a rod for your own back, she's so tiny and completely incapable of manipulating you or anything like that!

Can you nap when your DS naps? Is there anyone who can support you during that evening, YANBU to want some sleep! I wouldn't be that arsed about DP going out for the evening, but I'd be making a plan for him to take DS out all morning so you and baby can just snuggle and hopefully snooze the next day!

You're doing brilliantly, it ain't easy! xxxx

I appreciate that we all parent differently. We are happy with the current scenario and know from very recent experience that it won't be forever. Last time, DS fed until midnight and I never got a guaranteed slot of sleep. Plus DH insisted on staying in our room so he could be helpful. It tore both of us down mentally, we argued a lot and were very miserable. This time like I say, I think we're both happy with the arrangement but I will talk to him about it tonight.

He called me to say he's cancelled on his friend and I suggested rearranging for an afternoon, or an evening when one of our parents can come over. He's going to do that, a good compromise I feel and I hope he's okay with that, he definitely seemed to be. Thank you for your advice.

I also have a 4 week old. (my 3rd) DH has continued he's once a week going out. He has he's friend to ours when I had newly given birth so he could still watch the baby and I sleep.

@Daisy169 you've got a good one there, I think. You both seem very reasonable and rational (not easy with a young baby!)

@Hangingtrousers 3rd baby or 3rd husband? Not relevant but reads like 3rd husband

Haha 3rd baby.

Hi OP, that sounds like a really good compromise.
We couldn’t put out little boy down for a couple of months when he came home from special care - silent reflux which took forever to diagnose - so I feel your pain. I bottle fed so it was easier for me, but essentially I would go to bed when hubby came in from work, then sit up 11pm to 4am then got a couple more hours before he went back to work. I’d have imploded without him.
I don’t think either of us went out on an evening / weekend until he was about 4 months, on days my mam or dad could come and help.
He soon settled and sleeps just fine in his cot now at 7 months. We still don’t go out that much, but it’s more because we don’t want to than we can’t lol!

You can’t spoil them at that age. It must be lovely to have a newborn that sleeps nicely in its crib and isn’t screaming 24/7 !

At only four weeks old I personally feel he can skip the night out. How long will it be til you get out for drinks with a friend?!
And I agree baby is far too small for all this making a rod chat. You do what you need to get through these weeks and you should be in it together.

Cross post - good compromise - glad he saw sense

@codenameduchess you're over complicating it a bit.

Our schedule was DH worked 8-5, so he leaves at 7 and gets home at 6. He took baby from 6pm til midnight then slept from midnight until 6.30am. Meanwhile while he was at work, I did everything else that needed done while he was out. That way, the house runs and both parties get six hours of sleep until baby starts sleeping through the night. Yes, it doesn't leave a lot of time for socialising but it's temporary for a short period.

Sorry that you think this is made up, you must have had a really tough time.

Haven't read the whole thread, but is there any way you would consider either expressing, or mixed feeding? My DD was like this, and the midwife suggested giving her a bottle of formula in the evening. I wasn't keen, but tried it and it worked briliantly, as she slept for several hours without waking.

It also gave me the opportunity to express in the evenings, so I could eventually have enough to let DH do the night-time feed and I could have virtually a whole night's sleep once in a while. It really was a life-saver.

I think he at least needs to work for his pass out! I'd suggest a full day of him holding your DD (hopefully encouraging her to sleep more and give you a break!) and entertaining your DS. Then you can spend all day in bed and hopefully get that extra 2hrs at some point.

@Jollymollyx

It sounded like you were implying that the OP is lucky because her husband helps her.
Yes situations are different BUT the op isn't on about her husband having to work or go away for work totally different so I dont understand why you are going by your situation as it has nothing to do with the OP.

Nothing lucky about an adult Male who is at home not working being a father.

I can’t believe people are saying YABU. It’s been four fucking weeks. You’ve had 9 months of pregnancy, birth, and now you’re breastfeeding. And he’s complaining that your daily two hour sleep is putting a stop to his social life?!

It’s been a month!

The nerve of this.

If he wants to see his friends he can do it on his days off. He could invite a mate round in the evening. Or he could wait a few weeks and stop being such a self-involved prick when his wife is up all night every night feeding his baby.