Newborn sleep, DH going out - AIBU?

[Daisy169]

I have a 4 week old DD and a 2 year old DS.

So far, I've been fortunate this time that DD will cluster feed late afternoon/early evening and then fall asleep at around 8pm.
Every night for about the last 3 weeks, DH has held her from then until her next wake up, usually about 10.30pm although on one occasion it was midnight. He does this to try to guarantee me a decent stretch of sleep because for the rest of the night, it's the typical newborn sleep pattern of whenever she so much as wriggles slightly or feels even mildly hungry she wakes up and needs feeding. Typically, this is every 45 minutes. Last night, aside from the initial 2 hours when DH held her, I had a 1 hour chunk and then another half hour chunk. That's it. DS is now up for the day, doesn't go to nursery today, and so I'm committed to a day of cbeebies and inhaling coffee (with the odd tantrum and plenty of nappy changes thrown in).

DH is going for a few drinks with his friend tonight. He asked me if this was okay (something we've done since having our toddler, more of a heads up to let the other know they'll have to stay home that night than genuine permission seeking). I did a breezy, yeah course, as we'd always do before. But then it dawned on me that, in going out, he's taking that guaranteed decent chunk of sleep from me. I want him to see his friend, but that stretch of sleep is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

I talked to him about it last night (before the even more awful than usual nights "sleep"). He asked how long we'd keep up the current arrangement of him holding DD for and stated it's not fair that he can't go out/he hasn't seen his mates for ages and can't during the day like I can. I get his point, he should be able to socialise and I do get to see some mum friends during the day (we throw coffee at ourselves and snatch conversation between chasing toddlers round soft play /plying them with snacks to sit still). But the other part of me thinks that I haven't had a full night's sleep in months (pregnancy ruins that, although not as badly as a newborn), I'm still bleeding for gods sake, I grew and birthed this baby and I'm surviving because we're working as a team and I don't want him to take that away. My mental health suffered so badly with DS and I really don't want to spiral downwards again. I also had the opportunity to go out for the night to a friend's, taking DD with me, but turned it down because right now the sleep is more important to me.

AIBU to not want him to go out? Part of me thinks, it's 2 hours sleep, get over it. You'll live. But then part of me wants to curl into a ball and sob because that's the only decent stretch of sleep I'm going to get tonight (unless a miracle happens and DD decides that night time is for sleeping). And I know this phase of parenting is rubbish, with less of everything either parent wants, but it's short lived and I want DH to see what his night out means I have to sacrifice. He spends the rest of the night in the spare room, getting up if our toddler needs him which is thankfully only once a week maybe, and I don't think he understands how debilitating this sleep deprivation is because I'm coping during the day just about and he doesn't see me during the night.

Thank you for your opinions. He did say it's not fair but, to excuse him somewhat, I do think that with a baby your lives become so different that it's hard to fully understand the other's point of view. I mean it's also not fair that childbirth has given me piles and I have had my perineum stitched up twice now but I don't know how long I can use these in a disagreement!

Thank you to those of you who have offered tips for getting DD to sleep longer. We do play white noise throughout the night and I'm pretty sure there's no tongue tie as feeding and weight gain have been good (I've been lucky with breastfeeding twice now, just not sleeping!)

As for the pp who asked how long we'll do this for - I wish I knew! Hopefully just a few more weeks but as long as it takes before DD sleeps for a few hours without being held (we'll keep trying to put her down). I've done this before with my DS and he's slept pretty well and usually through the night from a year (hence having another baby then ) You say your DH gives you a few hours of sleep in the morning, this is just the same except in the evening because my DH goes to work at 6am.

I used to put the sleepyhead next to me in bed and pat DS on the tummy so he knew I was still there lol
It was a winner all round
A flask of tea/coffee and plenty of snacks lol
Your DH sounds like a gooden though OP id personally just crack on and let him go... I'd warn him not to get too pissed though he's gonna have to help out the following day and doing that with a hangover won't be fun you can catch up then even if it's just for a soak in the bath and use 2 hands for a bit lol

I’ve re-read this to be sure; your DH holds the baby for hours while you sleep? What if the other child needs him? The baby will never learn to settle if at 4 weeks you’ve decided oh no she must be held, yes she may take longer to settle but to sit and hold a baby for hours must be one of the silliest things I’ve read. What do you do through the day? Hold her all day?

@CoffeeorBust it's not like he's still expecting to have the same social life as before they had children though is it?

You read about so many useless fathers on here yet this one is doing all he can to help OP and ensure she can get some sleep.

As you've said, she can express or she can FF (not right for everyone), so that he can help more and OP hasn't said anything to suggest he wouldn't be happy with that.
But in the early days it's completely 100% up to mom how baby is fed. If she wants to breastfeed exclusively (with no expressing) and knows baby won't sleep so she'll be up constantly with no help, that's up to her.
If she compromised and said yes but can you do the middle of the night feed, I'll express a bottle, she'd be able to get some sleep.

At 4 weeks OP, it's still very early days but I think you need to start putting her down to sleep. You can't never let DH go out because he has to hold the baby.

DD uses a snuzzpod on the sofa next to her. She wraps a muslin cloth over her shoulders then puts baby down on top of it so it is warm and smells of her. Seems to work really well.

Yabu, it's tough when you're on your own but it's not for long and your dh isn't expecting to be out every night.

Having him sit and hold the baby for hours is not sustainable or practical. Yes you need your sleep but why can't your dh pop baby in a Moses basket or something while she sleeps and settle her if she wakes, or you could express/give formula for a feed each night so he could help out and not be tied to holding the baby for hours on end?

Yanbu I asked my DH to stay in for a very similar reason. We compromised on him meeting his friends for an afternoon pint at the weekend.

You knew exactly how it'd be when you chose to have another baby, in the nicest possible way

So did he

Maybe his friend could come over to yours? Have a chat and a couple of beers maybe .Its only for a couple of months, then he can go back to nights outwith his chum?

don't need to be told we're making a rod, this works for us and worked with DS

I never understood this statement. Surely a baby can’t be held too much?
Fwiw, I ‘overly held’ DD and out of my group of friends she is the best sleeper (now 3yo). It could be coincidence and we just got lucky 🍀

It's awfully sad that having a husband who actually parents properly is considered lucky.

Gently put OP, it's one night. It'll be awful but you'll get through it and then he'll be back to teamwork with a little more spirit. It's good of you to agree to his plans, don't cancel them now. It'll be okay. She won't keep you up like this forever, one step at a time. I understand your feelings perfectly though. They are also valid.

And what low expectations people have if "your lucky he does that" fucking hell yes lucky that a father actually acts like a father.
And OP I see both sides and I understand what sleep deprivation does to you.

Why can't he go on Saturday afternoon instead? Then it doesn't mess with anyone's sleep schedule.

Are people actually saying the DH can't go out for 8 weeks?

My husband must have it very easy as he went out when our baby was 10 days old and he works away and had to go when our baby was 6 weeks old. You just get on with it and tbh I liked the fact I proved to myself I could do it alone.

Not that I would need to because my husband is amazing. He sat up all night several times when I needed sleep and really supported me when I was nervous about him going back to work.

It’s been 4weeks not 4 years.. couldn’t he go on an afternoon or after work n be back a little later, maybe 9-10ish and do the next stretch maybe with a bottle of ebm.

Yes you see your friends in the day.. with kids in tow, not down the pub for a few cocktails while he grows tits to feed the youngest. Would it be helpful if he took your eldest out with him tomorrow to see friends.. like if you could cat nap on n off all day with tiny while they had lunch n a kick about at the park? Surely one of his friends has dcs of a remotely similar age that’d fancy a day out.

I never understood this statement. Surely a baby can’t be held too much?

Of course they can’t. I thank god my family were of the ‘always hold the baby’ persuasion.

@Daffodils07

We all have different situation- when I had my second there was no way my dh could do that as my demanding 2year old wasn’t easy to put to sleep and he was dealing with her. Nor can he do this with no3 which is due soon as again we have two other kids to sort out including homework to fit in now. Plus he’s on call due to work at times - so to me it is quite lucky!!

Oh bless you it's really hard but I think YABU. His mental health is important too and it sounds as though he's doing a great job. The benefit of him going out on his overall wellbeing will probably outweigh your couple hours of less sleep. He'll be a happier man and will be rebooted ready to keep helping the way that he is. You're both doing a great job by the sounds of it but let him have these couple of hours bless him

YANBU.

I get that your DH wants to go out but he has other responsibilities, so tough luck.

Taking the baby for two hours is really not even close to enough. It's not even the bare minimum. You need six straight hours of sleep in every 24 hour period or you'll start to lose it. You need that time to recover and physically heal.

My DD is also breastfed and would only sleep while being held in the early days but we used expressed milk or formula for a stretch so that DH could take her and let me get that six hours of sleep. Two hours is actually nothing, are you supposed to be on call for baby 22 hours out of 24 with no help? Because that's unreasonable and you'll lose your mind. I felt like my DH doing a six hour stint was the absolute bare minimum baseline of what was acceptable (and I still had baby for the other 18 hours a day).

You're a very understanding wife but he needs to wise up a bit here and you need to be a bit less 'cool girl' and a bit more vocal about the reality of what you need.

6 hour straight stretch of sleep with a 3 week old bf baby?!

Yanbu.
I also disagree that you are lucky to have an oh who helps out. You are not lucky, he is a dad and should carry out equal duties.
Parenting is a partnership and 4 weeks is still very early. I have the same age gap and it is exhausting at the beginning.
Maybe a compromise could be had? He could go out for lees time and not drink? Or hold baby in the morning while you get some sleep?

Swaddling and white noise can help. I haven’t experienced a baby who ‘won’t be put down’ and have four DC, perhaps I got lucky... I always swaddled mine and put white noise on for two of them which worked a treat. I don’t think the current system is great, does he not get to move for those two full hours even to pee or grab a drink? Sounds a bit daft.

I’d let him go and make tonight to first night you try to put the baby down to sleep.

6 hour straight stretch of sleep with a 3 week old bf baby?!

Yes. Pump some milk, hand baby to husband, go to sleep for six hours. What else are you meant to do, stay awake round the clock?

I wouldn't ask him not to go this time but I think I'd have a conversation about staying in for the next few weeks if the holding baby is what you think works for you

You need six straight hours of sleep in every 24 hour period or you'll start to lose it.
When does the dh sleep? Op has said he works and leaves the house early so what. How is possible for both parents to get this made up 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep if the baby must be held and still be able to care for the older child?

Let's break it down, you have 24 hours in a day, say the dh is out for 9 hours for work plus travel. There's 13, mum sleeps for 6 then dad sleeps for 6 that's 1 hour left for everything else and if the only way the baby will sleep for a stretch is to be held the awake parent isn't getting anything done during their 6 hours. It's also not reasonable to expect all other tasks to be done while the dh is at work as newborn plus toddler doesn't allow for a lot of spare time.

Surely all new parents, particularly 2nd+ babies, know that in the early stages sleep is interrupted and/or non existent but the rest of the world doesn't stop and lives carry on.

@Jollymollyx I think your lucky to have a husband who does that for you - does it for her?! It's parenting his own child. He's not doing her any favours!!