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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you pay that much?

79 replies

Shallistayorshalligo · 24/10/2019 20:47

Recently we had to split our accounts with DH. The reason was that he was rubbish with our money and it did not matter how hard we worked and how much we made, all would be spend.

It became so frustrating, so in the end we mutually agreed to split the accounts and go 50/50 on our household bills. I do work from home, I don’t need to drive to work. So we have ended having just one family car, which he drive to work. He does quite a bit of miles, so he said that the car value does depreciate a lot. For this reason he lease the car.

As a family we need our car only on weekend. Mainly to do shopping. Once a month, perhaps, to do a family visit 2 hours drive away. We go out more in summer to the places like English heritage, etc.

Now we have split our accounts and besides Me paying half of the bills, he wants me to pay half of the lease and half of the car service Half of lease and service is £170 a month, plus I pay another £40 towards some of the petrol. So the family car cost me £210 a month.

I also want to say I can afford paying this, I just don’t feel it is fair.. what do you think?

OP posts:

NotStayingIn · 25/10/2019 07:54

Sidestepping your original question slightly, do you have a plan in place for when he is next in debt?

You mentioned you really want to start saving. But what will happen once he gets into debt again, which he will 100%. He knows you have savings. Will you be able to resist bailing him out. What if the car gets repossessed as a result and he can’t get to work. Will you bail him out then? What if he cries at you, emotionally manipulates you, how long before you give him everything.

I really fear that your solution is only a solution until he wants your money. Which he will want eventually. You are going to have to really plan for the next time he gets into debt and work out how he doesn’t drag you down with him again.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/10/2019 08:02

No it does t sound fair if your subsidising his toys so he can be crap again.

No one needs a posh car ffs.

Get your shopping delivered instead, much less stressful and cheaper an buying his car for him.

Brefugee · 25/10/2019 08:07

I think he's enjoying having a nice car - how much longer does the lease have?

The car is a family asset and you get the benefit of it even if you don't use it very much because otherwise your OH wouldn't be able to go to work and shopping and holidays would be difficult so in that respect i don't think it's unreasonable to split the cost 50/50 (PP commented about use of the house and i think that's a good argument, but again 50/50 is fair)

But. I'd research cars and find one that would suit your family for the family use (hopefully it's cheaper than the one you have) and say to your OH that this is what you want and this is what you are prepared to pay. Anything above that he can contribute the extra if he wants a shiny spiffy car.

Do you think that would work for you?

Also: start saving now.

73Sunglasslover · 25/10/2019 08:11

We recently bought a new car and I did some calculations to figure out how much the old one actually cost us to run. it was a 3 year old diesel when we bought it and a 9 year old when we got rid of it. To do around 12,000 miles a year with depreciation, petrol and repair/ mot/ insurances costs was around £350 a month. If you have a lease car it will be newer so more expensive. I think cars do just cost a lot.

73Sunglasslover · 25/10/2019 08:12

Sorry, a PS. But if you get a car which is a little older it probably will cost less. Do you need such a new one?

LemonTT · 25/10/2019 08:19

You need a car as a family and you should contribute to half of that. The choice of family car could arguably be a cheaper one. Decide what that type of car that is and agree that is your family budget for a car. Split the cost 50/50. If he wants to upgrade the he pays the premium on the lease or purchase as well as insurance.

The issue of work travel costs and the cost of working from home should balance out. I wouldn’t argue about this. It’s a family cost either way.

As to the issue of family over some spending. This has either been dealt or not. If you have resentment you should deal with it some other way than through this issue. But although he bears most of the responsibility, you were couple sharing finances. You had your own responsibility to be aware of what was going on. If you abdicated all involvement then you accepted and tacitly agreed with his decisions. You must have been aware of the family income and obvious overspending.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 25/10/2019 08:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 25/10/2019 08:29

Ordinarily I'd say shared asset, shared expense, shared use etc but you've bailed him out more than once and shouldn't have to keep subsidising his expensive tastes. Take the car from your family pay the costs for that, he pays the costs for his car. We are comfortable and I've never had a car worth more than about £6k and always owned outright, until very recently I did a huge amount of annual mileage for work and for that bought a little car with low mileage for about £3k to essentially run into the ground, taking a car as part of my package with tax etc made me worse off than the salary increase and my cheap run around. It lasted me four and a half years so much cheaper than his lease car.

littleblackno · 25/10/2019 08:31

I think the car is a bit of a secondary issue here. It doesn’t really matter if you pay half or not.
Your bigger problem is his money management and what will happen when he gets into debt again and you have to use your savings to bail him out.
As you are married you will be liable for his debts so will lose any cushion you may think you have for the future.
If I was you I would be taking totally control of all the household finances and allowing him some “fun money”
Look into downsizing the car. Tough that he has expensive tastes, he needs to budget for his family before he can think about more expensive cars.
He is not such a wonderful dad and husband if he is putting you at risk financially and making you and the kids vulnerable in this way.

gingersausage · 25/10/2019 08:32

Take the car from your relative and pay for it from your own money. Use it at weekends when you go out as a family. Stop contributing to his stupidly expensive car. There is no reason at all that “his” car has to be the family car. “Your” car can be the family car and if he wants to keep paying for his then more fool him.

For what it’s worth, I think you’ve been incredibly brave to deal with this the way you have. I’d have kicked him out. I would actually put up with way more than a lot of people on MN would, but getting the family into secret debt would be a total dealbreaker.

Whattodoabout · 25/10/2019 08:34

So you only really use the car for food shopping by the sounds of it, shop online instead. I wouldn’t pay for half of a car I didn’t use.

Waspnest · 25/10/2019 08:36

If there was no history of debts/bad money management etc I'd say YABU, the car is just a work related cost which you should both share. However, it sounds like you helped him sort his debts and he is now still expecting you to subsidise his choices. Have you actually discussed his debt and lying and how it made you feel? Have you explained that him getting the fancy car makes you feel he really hasn't changed his spending habits at all? If you have and it's made no difference I think YANBU.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/10/2019 08:38

Do you both earn the same amount?

RB68 · 25/10/2019 08:45

We have a lease as it suits us - reliable, energy efficient and comfortable for long drives (I have to go see parents regularly which is 2.5hr drive straight through) its 210 a month, no tax due to type of car, insurance 50 a month, one service a year £200 also possibility of incidental costs like tyres (£80 a time) or knocks etc so it is possible to do large family car on this sort of money. He has no idea how to stick to his income and looks to overspend all the time by the sounds of it. Once you are in the lease its tough though you have to stick to it - I hope he has decent mileage on that as he needs to stick to it as they will charge. I have brothers like this - they can't resist the BMW.... ours is a Kia

Itsjustmee · 25/10/2019 08:46

If your DH goes over the mileage he will get a hefty bill at the end of the lease most leased cars are generally 10.000 miles a year as standard

DH has a car that’ cost him roughly £475 a month
He also has a SUV type for work
I have my own car that I pay for
We both use his mid life crisis car 😂 mainly on weekends but there is no way I would be paying half for a car I don’t really need or drive
I contribute £75 a month to it as I do like to drive sometimes in the week
But I wouldn’t be paying anything more than that

FriedasCarLoad · 25/10/2019 08:47

What I also was thinking. I could get a nice car now from my family. They have offered and they want nothing for it. To run it would cost me less then a grand a year.

Couldn’t you and your husband get this, then use it as the family car once the current lease contract runs out? It’d save you a fortune.

And indulging expensive tastes is mad in your position. It doesn’t make sense to pay a fortune for luxuries until you have 6 months expenses in savings, at least.

Butterflyone12e · 25/10/2019 09:18

Are you married or is this some transactional relationship? You seem to be being very pedantic. I thought a relationship should be about equality but you seem so resentful.

Get your own family car then you pay for your car and he pays for his.

diddl · 25/10/2019 09:36

I'd be pissed off because he could have gone for something cheaper & didn't.

Who chose where you live & why?

He might still be living where he is & needing a car whilst on his own.

How would he pay for it then?

JasonPollack · 25/10/2019 09:41

Get the car from your family to use yourself. Stop paying for his. Then he has to absorb the cost of his expensive toy. Its not fair for you to be paying for a nicer car than you would choose.

maddening · 25/10/2019 09:51

Tell him you will subsidise half the price of the cheap car and when the lease ends he can drive the free car from.your family. If he got a cheap car that only lasted a year or two it would be cheaper than the lease, they cost a couple of grand at least up front and the the monthly fee. It is ridiculous expense to feed his ego while you work your arse of to fund the household and get the family to a nice position that he fucked up in the first place because of his lust for the shiny things and high life.

sunglasses123 · 25/10/2019 09:52

Hi All,

Having had my own cheap car when I was much younger and then company cars for years and years and now my own PCP my favourite is actually a company car. Yes, I know its the most expensive but when I brought my first car at 23 it then needed some work. When you are starting off in life you dont have £200 here and there to pay for repairs.

I think people who say buy a cheap car(and they have a car they claim to have run for years and years at little cost!) are often able to make some repairs themselves or have someone who can advise them on a good buy.

For the rest of us the piece of mind of having no bills is great. My second choice is a PCP only because new cars are clearly much more reliable then older ones and even if you end up with a bit of lemon at least the cost wont be yours to fix.

I think some of the PP have made some excellent points around your use of the house etc. Having said that men can be very funny about cars. Often dont seen to keep to budgets when they are buying one.

Brefugee · 25/10/2019 10:24

Are you married or is this some transactional relationship? You seem to be being very pedantic. I thought a relationship should be about equality but you seem so resentful.

if one half of a relationship financially ruins the other half, what is it then? I think she's right to be so pedantic, her OH might actually learn something.

BeesKnees4 · 25/10/2019 10:29

If he’s refusing to drive a cheaper car then I’d not be paying half, send the car back and get the one from your family and he can use that and save money. He doesn’t sound like he grasps economising at all.

SmileyGiraffe · 25/10/2019 13:58

@Itsjustmee

"If your DH goes over the mileage he will get a hefty bill at the end of the lease most leased cars are generally 10.000 miles a year as standard"

What a load of rubbish. Finance companies don't want a car with excess mileage handing back so they offer 'agreed annual mileage'. I've worked with companies who offer 30000 miles per year - the monthly payment is much higher, but it's unlikely the user would get an excess mileage bill (which only ever applies if they hand the car back to the finance company).

Most agreements are 10000 miles because the average usage is 10-12000 miles, but it is not and has never been standard to offer 10000 miles.

It is up to the user to decide their mileage and most people go low to get a lower monthly payment - increasing the likelihood of negative equity at the end or a mileage bill. It sounds very much like OPs DP has done this properly, which would seem to be a first!

Cabezona · 25/10/2019 14:01

@SmileyGiraffe you're wrong. There's an agreed annual mileage. If you go over this you get excess mileages which are charged per mile.

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