PILs want to drive my DC

[Ginandgingers92]

Posting here because I need to know AIBU, or do I have grounds to be concerned? And if so, what can I do?!

Apologies for the long post, there's a lot to cover haha.

Back in May, myself and a friend were asked to be Bridesmaids and started planning the Bride's hen. DH works shifts, including weekends and the one the bride wanted, he was working, meaning he'd need to take time off to look after our 18mo DC. I text, asking if leave was a possibility, was told it was, he would ask for leave, so we went ahead and planned everything for that weekend in question. Fast forward a few months and in classic DH style, when I ask him if he's taken leave he tells me he forgot, and now too many people are off, so he can't look after DC.

Some alternatives were my parents or his. Mine had long standing plans, so we asked his parents who agreed. Friday to Sunday,

Now I have found out that they are planning that weekend on taking DC on a 3.5/4 hour journey up North to see relatives. They asked DH and he gave it the all clear.
The stick in the mud is the driving. FiL doesn't drive and MIL is an EXTREMELY nervous driver. We're talking: will not drive on her own, will panic about 20 min journeys which are essentially one road all the way, will not do motorways, will not drive in the dark.
I now find out that they want to leave, in a car, with my baby, on Friday evening, driving in the dark and taking the M25! I'm seriously panicking about this. I don't know if DC will be safe, I won't be able to relax until I know they've made it there, I genuinely think an accident is a possibility. Let's also not forgot this is a long journey fora toddler in any situation..

I've tried to talk to DH but he thinks I'm worrying too much.

AIBU? Do I leave it and let it happen and just insist they contact me and stop regularly?

Or, if NBU, what can I do?

• Not go to the hen? This will cause so many issues with the bride but I'm willing if there's no alternative.
• insist they stay local even though DH gave this journey the all clear?
• insist they take the train (I think they normally do when going here!) it won't be cheap but I'll happily contribute/pay!

Help, please!

YANBU

Your "D"H is spectacularly useless isn't he?! Failing to book leave and then agreeing to his parents' irresponsible plan.

I'm afraid I don't know what the solution is, if I were you I think I'd ask PILs not to do the drive. Have they looked after your DC for that length of time before? Will your DH be around at all during the weekend? I suggest DC stays at their house (and DH could pop in if possible) or they stay at your house (with DH around some of the time).

Your Dh is a piece of work. I'd say he planned this and is quite happy to have the time off between shifts without the baby to mind. I would not allow baby to go. Is there anyone else who could help Dh out while he's at work/catching up on sleep? If not then surely his parents can travel to visit the relatives another time.

I'll definitely agree he's scatty! Sometimes I feel like a PA, so yeah, forgetting this time has really ticked me off. We won't even talk about the fact he's neglected to take the wedding off, too!

Those are good ideas. I'll speak to DH when he's home and see if he can ring them to suggest. He would be about the Saturday night and I'll be home Sunday mid day ish so I could collect him if it's all a bit much, they've only had him for maximum one night, one full day before. I'd just feel guilty if they were excited to take him or had made plans up there, but I guess I'd rather look like the bitch than the unthinkable happening.

Thanks x

@Drum2018 he's definitely not planned it, he's honestly just really scatty and forgetful. I don't want to turn this into a 'let's all hate the husband' game. He knows he's fucked up by not taking the leave.

Why guilty?
It's your DH's fault that they have to change their plans.
Stop being a doormat and acting like his PA and fixing everything and then worrying about pleasing his parents.
He should be damn grateful he's got away with it.

Unfortunately no one else to help out. My family are all in a different county and like I said my parents have plans already, and the only other people are them :/

Oh FUCK NO. Your MIL is clearly an incompetent driver and there is no way I would allow her to drive my child given the situation you've described. If you are unable to work out a solution, either with your (idiot) husband or them taking the train, or another option, you will have to skip the hen. All you can do is explain the situation to the bride and ask for her understanding. You baby's safety comes first.

Men are "scatty" and "forgetful" because women pick up the pieces for them.

Does he forget simple things at work? Or does he actually do his job like a capable adult?

@Aquamarine1029 yeah I know that's also a possibility. I will not be popular though! Already been told by bride that im not putting in effort by not driving up for a fitting, despite having hyperemesis and being hospitalised because of it (I'm 6m with number 2). So I want to avoid fucking her off even more 🙈

I would rather not go to the hen than let them drive my baby.

I should add, we work in the same 'industry' so I know that DH not being able to take the time off now is true. Not negating the fact the idiot should have done it months ago!!There are limits to how many people can be off and once and yeah; it ain't gonna happen.

Believe me, I've had my rant at him, told him he's hopeless etc, and he knows. Just looking to find solutions for that weekend :)

I would check with Mil, I don’t understand how someone who sonics on a 20 min drive has agreed to a 4 hr drive on the m25 at a busy time of day ... with a very young child - I imagine she would be panicking about this and so it is worth checking in on how she is about it all and how come she agreed?!

I'd ask dh now to call his folks and say That he has had some time to consider their suggestion of the trip and isn't comfortable dc being driven that far. He can then ask them to either swap their weekend North or they can cancel their babysitting duties.

He can then, if they cancel with you both, take emergency unpaid parental leave.

Sonics?! I meant panics

What about a nanny service? The baby could stay at home and your husband can take over when off work.

YANBU, not least of all because it’s not fair to inflict her driving on the rest of us.

If they usually take the train and mil is nervous driver why do you think they are driving?

If the in laws have been good enough to take dd for two nights because dh forgot then be very diplomatic as they are being very helpful.

I wouldn't go to be honest. For one thing I think that looking after an 18 month old, who will probably miss you both, for an entire weekend is too much to ask of an elderly couple. I'd kill DH, bet he'd remember to book the time off if it was something he wanted to do. Can't he swap with someone? If not, I'd just stay at home. The bride sounds like a bit of a nightmare so can't say that jeopardising that friendship would bother me that much really.

I wouldn't be happy with that either. Why don't you ask your in laws to come and stay at your house? That way they can look after your son while your husband is at work and your husband can look after him when he's home. That way it is less disruptive for your son and you will worry less too.

YANBU. There's no way in hell I would let my baby do 8 hours in the car with an uncomfortable/incompetent driver. I wouldn't be leaving my baby for the weekend with my PIL either, but that's a whole other issue! If DH can't sort it, I think missing the hen do is the only option - if your friend is really a friend, she'll understand.

@Reallybadidea they're in their 50s, - same as mine, who I trust implicitly with DC- but yes, DC will miss one of us being around, and if they don't go up then DC can have mummy back early on Sunday! He can definitely ask to swap but unfortunately I don't think there'll be any takers, its not too far away now, and I wouldn't willingly want to work a Saturday and Sunday, but it's definitely worth an ask!

@Nonnymum, yes; its seeming like asking them to stay here may be a good idea. Could spin it that it will be easier on them, they can spend time with their son etc. We have someone staying in the spare room at the mo, but I'm sure they won't mind vacating for a bit. Thanks x

Do you have a good relationship with them? Can you call them and talk about it? Obviously it’s a bad idea for them to drive but I’d want to have a proper conversation about it, cards on the table, before I made a decision.

The only other solution is to book a paid for babysitter who can look after him in your home until tour husband is home each day.

@babybrain77 if it were my parents I'd be absolutely fine, I think DC loves grandad more than they love me and they're amazing with him! But yes, the length of time is also concerning. I just want to come up with a solution, ideally meaning I can still go, not because I want to party - I'm pregnant and tired and not drinking obviously- but because I've had to compromise and miss out on so many things before for DHs work and him not taking leave, so I'd like even just one day to indulge myself. but yeah, if there's no alternative, then it's a choice I'll make.

Why can't the person staying in your spare room help with childcare between your husband's shifts?

@Merryoldgoat we have an ok relationship, but I'd be nervous of hurting MILs feelings; she's quite fragile. And I guess selfishly I want DH to look like the bad guy because he fucked up! I'm a bit of a coward I know, I just hate upsetting people.