PILs want to drive my DC

[Ginandgingers92]

Posting here because I need to know AIBU, or do I have grounds to be concerned? And if so, what can I do?!

Apologies for the long post, there's a lot to cover haha.

Back in May, myself and a friend were asked to be Bridesmaids and started planning the Bride's hen. DH works shifts, including weekends and the one the bride wanted, he was working, meaning he'd need to take time off to look after our 18mo DC. I text, asking if leave was a possibility, was told it was, he would ask for leave, so we went ahead and planned everything for that weekend in question. Fast forward a few months and in classic DH style, when I ask him if he's taken leave he tells me he forgot, and now too many people are off, so he can't look after DC.

Some alternatives were my parents or his. Mine had long standing plans, so we asked his parents who agreed. Friday to Sunday,

Now I have found out that they are planning that weekend on taking DC on a 3.5/4 hour journey up North to see relatives. They asked DH and he gave it the all clear.
The stick in the mud is the driving. FiL doesn't drive and MIL is an EXTREMELY nervous driver. We're talking: will not drive on her own, will panic about 20 min journeys which are essentially one road all the way, will not do motorways, will not drive in the dark.
I now find out that they want to leave, in a car, with my baby, on Friday evening, driving in the dark and taking the M25! I'm seriously panicking about this. I don't know if DC will be safe, I won't be able to relax until I know they've made it there, I genuinely think an accident is a possibility. Let's also not forgot this is a long journey fora toddler in any situation..

I've tried to talk to DH but he thinks I'm worrying too much.

AIBU? Do I leave it and let it happen and just insist they contact me and stop regularly?

Or, if NBU, what can I do?

• Not go to the hen? This will cause so many issues with the bride but I'm willing if there's no alternative.
• insist they stay local even though DH gave this journey the all clear?
• insist they take the train (I think they normally do when going here!) it won't be cheap but I'll happily contribute/pay!

Help, please!

If I were you I wouldn’t be going to the hen, your child’s safety is more important than bridezilla, and if you’re 6 months pregnant she’ll look like a right cow if she has a go at you for dropping out.

"Already been told by bride that im not putting in effort by not driving up for a fitting, despite having hyperemesis and being hospitalised because of it (I'm 6m with number 2)."
I would have resigned as a bridesmaid after that comment. Fuck her and her hen do.

"I've had to compromise and miss out on so many things before for DHs work and him not taking leave"
Does your "D"H "forget" to take leave when it's for things that he wants to do, or just things you want to do?
Why aren't you demanding proof that he has booked the leave (email confirmation or whatever his system is for booking it)?
Why are you letting him get away with it every time?

I'm frequently driving on M25 and wouldn't dream of willingly tackling it on a Friday evening. I can't imagine what part of the M25 is fast and free flowing at that time!

Nor can I relate to the 'most people work from home on Fridays' comment.
OP, I think you are taking the right stance. Your DH is an idiot, and should take the flack, but in this instance I think need to fix the situation rather than staying silent so you don't get the blame.

I wouldn’t be happy. No issues with in-laws looking after my DC, but firstly the drive and secondly taking your child to a relatives house? Having traveled with small children quite a lot, this is hard work and in my opinion 18 months is the worst age for it!

The house isn’t child proofed, they don’t have their toys and their familiar foods etc. Where will they sleep? Packing up all their stuff is so much work. Sleep is usually unsettled and I bet it’ll be mil getting up in the night and she’s the one having to drive home again. Looking after a toddler is tiring, especially when you aren’t used to it

I’d seriously be asking them to watch DC at your house or their own. Especially if DH will be there some of the time at your house.

"The M25 is fast and free flowing on a Friday evening..." oh, how we laughed at that! Living as we do just off J3.

Sounds like you have a plan Op, hope it works. Someone who never drives on motorways shouldn't practise that at night on a Friday. I drive on motorways regularly, the M25 much more than I'd like, and it's a scary thing sometimes. I've pulled off just to gather my wits on more than one occasion when it's bad weather, heavy traffic etc.

Surely it's not your PILs decision to take your child 4 hours away? You are the parent and, despite what your silly husband said, nobody had discussed it with you. There doesn't need to be a row, just say that you have heard of the plan and are not comfortable with it as it is the first time your child will be away from both of you and you don't know how he will be so it's best to be in his own home with all the familiar things. Say you know he wouldn't cope in the car for that long either and being around a load of people and places be doesn't know without you or your husband present would be a disaster. They must see sense on this one, surely? Otherwise, your husband has to find another solution as it's his fault all this has happened in the first place.

I would speak to your MIL and find out exactly what they had in mind. If she really is planning to do this drive, which I find astonishing given that she is a nervous driver, I would be absolutely honest and tell her that you are not confident for them to take the baby and it isn't happening. They can look after the baby but not take her away. I would be very irritated with your husband for agreeing to this.

I would scare her too. I would say "I know you get nervous driving and the motorway will be really horrendous. I wouldn't dream of trying that drive myself".

Oh wow someone who wont even go on a motorway wil not likke that at night at all-if she had some motorway experience id say fine but no way-

I actually get annoyed at people that say they only drive round where they live a waste of a car tbh and damage to the environment

@AlexaAmbidextra , yes, in my own bubble of my company office and those who use M25 for commuting

do you work in SE or in London? because if you did you'd see the difference between Friday's commute and any other weekday here

AlexaAmbidextra , yes, in my own bubble of my company office and those who use M25 for commuting

Fere. Over 200,000 vehicles use the M25 daily. I would suggest that those in your office or who you know amount to a minute percentage of the total. So as I said, your own tiny bubble.

My personal record for the m25 on a Friday evening was 4 hours to travel 3 miles.
My BF lived on the opposite side of London, I used to drive to his on a Friday evening, I never experienced a clear run.

He convinced me to move in with him because the drive was such a nightmare 😂

Nervous doesn't equate to incompetent. Over confident can be worse. How lo g has MIL been driving and how many accidents has she had?

Nervous doesn't equate to incompetent.

But those nerves have prevented her driving on motorways, meaning she is now incredibly inexperienced and thus not likely to be particularly competent.

@sweeneytoddsrazor so she's been driving 20 years and 0 accidents apparently. Totally get what you're saying, just can't shake the worrying though.

So I spoke to MIL last night and explained my concerns. She advised that she has driven up there before, and was happy to drive. I still don't know why night time was chosen.. but as it stands, they are looking like they'll take the train Saturday AM and return Sunday AM. Sounds like there's lots planned up there and DC will be spoilt with love and attention. PILs know to expect lots of phone calls from me!

im a confident driver and my DC are easy travellers. I wouldnt want to do a 4 hour trip with any DC on a friday night from the m25.

Im not going to slag your husband off, you know hes wrong.

you however,are not at all wrong for feeling concerned. Even if she was a confident driver, it would still worry me.