AIBU to think you need to give more than one month's notice? (wedding-related)

[ashmts]

Background is my boyfriend is an usher at his best friend's wedding in December. I don't know the bride that well but we've become friendly and she invited me to her hen which I was very grateful for. It means I'll get to know some people before the wedding, and since my bf's an usher I might be alone for quite a bit of the day. This has all been organised for months.

Now one of my best friends has got married secretly. Ceremony was this week, he's just told everyone, and they're having a party to celebrate. The problem is it's on the same night as this girl's hen do.

AIBU to attend the hen over the 'wedding'? I committed to that first. But, on the other hand, I don't know her that well while he's a very close friend and I don't want him to be upset. But if you keep it a secret surely you need to expect that some people will have plans? Especially in the lead up to Christmas! I can't imagine I'll be the only person who can't make it. Honestly not sure what to do.

I would go to the hen do but that's because I tend to see the getting married in secret then having another 'wedding' after as quite grabby. If they want a quiet and private ceremony that's fair enough but having a huge party afterwards pretty much negates that. Like you say, you haven't been given much notice and I think that it was lovely of the other bride to invite you to her hen do. I would still go to it.

I would absolutely prioritise the hen night. No matter how good friends you are with the second bride, she shouldn't expect you to pull out to attend a last minute event.
They've been really lovely to invite you and it's a close friend of your bf.

Don't know how I misread that your friend is male. Bias is strong!!

Yeah I think you should go on the hen do, too.

Agree with PP who said you either have a secret wedding or you don't. You don't have a secret wedding then a huge party. It's grabby.

And this woman actually wants you at her wedding!

You were an after thought for the secret wedding.
Hen do you are committed to now anyway.
Card for the Just Married.
An empty one...

You can't pull out of the hen night, that would be really rude. And would probably spoil the bidding friendship.
So unless you can somehow manage both, you won't be able to go to the other party.

I would definitely prioritise the Hen Do. You committed to that first.

Hen do.

Celebrate another time that is convenient to you with your secret wedding friend.

Another one for the hen do

You have said yes to the hen do

Because it says "he's just told everyone".
You're booked. They'll definitely have a few that are.

I would go to the hen as you can get to know other people that will be at the wedding and you committed to that first. I always find a party after a secret wedding grabby ie they didn't want to share the ceremony with you but are happy enough to get gifts off you after. If he is a close friend I would meet up for a coffee with a wedding gift for him but would still go to the hen.

Another for the Hen Do. People make plans in advance and he cannot expect everyone he invites to attend with such short notice.

As a PP mentioned; an empty card is what I would be sending...

I wouldn’t go to the secret wedding party at all as they are already married - they’re just holding the party to get presents which isn’t right.

You agreed to the hen do first so you should go to that.

I also think it'll be good to meet the other wedding guests; as you said, you'll be on your own for a good part of the day.

Congratulate your friend who got married and suggest taking him and his new spouse out for dinner to celebrate another time? It is short notice, and that's the risk he took with having a 'secret' wedding.

I would go the hen.

If people give you next to no notice, they only have themselves to blame if guests have already make plans. In this case, you can be truthful as well, you would have loved to come, but you are already committed somewhere else.

You are not even missing a wedding, you are missing a party.

I would go to the Hen do, the party after the secret wedding does strike me as pretty weird you either want people to share in your day or you don't. The only reason I can think people would marry in secret and then have a party is for the gifts.

I don't think anyone would expect wedding gifts

Of course they would expect gifts. No one turns up to a party/wedding without at least a token gift.

Hen do definitely...

have a secret wedding if you want but don't pretend you aren't throwing a party for the gifts...

i have friends who actually had a party and there suprised us with the news they had got married earilier that week but they said it AT the party because they really didn't want gifts or a fuss

If it was such a big secret why are they having a party now?

I would without a doubt go to the hen do.

I'm surprised but glad that this is the general consensus. It did cross my mind that it's a bit cheeky to have a big party but they're popular and maybe they do just want to keep friends and family happy. Don't know why they kept it secret though, have a private wedding if you want but why keep the date secret? We didn't even know they were engaged.

If it makes a difference he did tell me a couple of days before he announced it to everyone? I was sworn to secrecy so I don't feel like an afterthought or anything like that.

We could only give 5 weeks notice for our wedding. 2 of my DBs and their families couldn't come (1 of them was fishing!). We knew this was likely and were fine with it.

You’ve already committed to the hen do. I’d your friend was that good of a friend then he’d have told you about the secret wedding

Hen do 100%. Eloping is totally fine but you can't expect people to drop everything at a months notice because you wanted it to be a secret.

hen do.