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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you need to give more than one month's notice? (wedding-related)

60 replies

ashmts · 24/10/2019 10:25

Background is my boyfriend is an usher at his best friend's wedding in December. I don't know the bride that well but we've become friendly and she invited me to her hen which I was very grateful for. It means I'll get to know some people before the wedding, and since my bf's an usher I might be alone for quite a bit of the day. This has all been organised for months.

Now one of my best friends has got married secretly. Ceremony was this week, he's just told everyone, and they're having a party to celebrate. The problem is it's on the same night as this girl's hen do.

AIBU to attend the hen over the 'wedding'? I committed to that first. But, on the other hand, I don't know her that well while he's a very close friend and I don't want him to be upset. But if you keep it a secret surely you need to expect that some people will have plans? Especially in the lead up to Christmas! I can't imagine I'll be the only person who can't make it. Honestly not sure what to do.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 24/10/2019 11:34

He probably told EVERYONE a few days before the big announcement, so you all secretly felt "special" knowing beforehand. A bit of a sweetener in case people were offended not knowing about the wedding!

Lollypop701 · 24/10/2019 11:35

I don’t think the secret wedding party is definitely grabby... there can be lots of reasons a formal wedding can be stressful and not something a couple want. Families can be a PITA. Wanting a party to celebrate is fine... op hasn’t said that gifts are expected! However you committed to the hen so I’d go to that tbh, or you risk tainting the new friendship and your Dp might not be happy

CharitySchmarity · 24/10/2019 11:36

I think in the circumstances the right thing to do is to go to the hen do.

On the wider question of how much notice you should give for a wedding, when I was getting married about 30 years ago we read in an etiquette book that the invitations should go out 6 weeks before the day. Of course that doesn't stop you informally letting people know when the wedding is going to be much longer in advance (nowadays lots of people seem to use "save the day" cards but I don't think they had been invented back then).

JavaQ · 24/10/2019 11:37

You agreed to the hen do first. Go to the hen do.

I have NO idea why people think it is okay to cancel like this in favour of a later invite.
(Just imagine your hen night people found out you stood them up! Hilarious. There'd be posts here about your behaviour)

JavaQ · 24/10/2019 11:39

sorry about being prickly. Please forgive me. Yes- I agree with you- you do need to go to the hen night. It will be fun. They want you there.

Your other pal will have to make do with who is available- that is his problem

SmileCheese · 24/10/2019 11:42

op hasn’t said that gifts are expected!

If the party had been done as a PP said and they'd thrown a party and then told everyone they were married then that's ok. However to specifically now invite the OP and others to a party in celebration of the fact they have secretly got married of course people are going to bring gifts.

They can argue that gifts are not expected but people will feel obliged to bring them because of the reason for the party hence why I and others feel its a very grabby thing to do.

TigerJoy · 24/10/2019 11:45

Hen do.

I don't think your best friend is being grabby in having a party or unreasonable to only tell people a month in advance. However with that kind of notice, he can expect lots of people to already have plans, as you do.

Send him a nice card and your apologies, and maybe arrange a time to get together with him and his new wife and buy them a drink to celebrate.

Crankybitch · 24/10/2019 11:56

Hen do definitely

caperplips · 24/10/2019 11:57

hen night 100%

Damntheman · 24/10/2019 12:10

I don't think it's that cheeky to celebrate a secret/private wedding ceremony with a big party a bit later. My friends did that and it was lovely! They didn't expect gifts and they didn't get any, just a really fun evening of friends having a good time.

Still, OP you agreed to the hen first and this bride has clearly made a big effort to help you feel included so I would also choose to go to the hen! I don't really like dropping one plan when something 'better' comes along personally, it's an integrity thing.

Stuckinanutshell · 24/10/2019 12:13

Hen do. You committed to that and it’s unreasonable to change plans for (what will seem like) something/someone better. If your friend wanted you at the celebration then they needed to give you notice.

EL8888 · 24/10/2019 12:17

Another vote for the hen do. You agreed to go to that first and they chose to give so little notice. Plus December is a very busy month and already a lot of people have committed to plans

Loopytiles · 24/10/2019 12:17

Hen do.

If however it was a V short notice wedding ceremony/ reception on day of the ceremony for a close friend I would attend that.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 24/10/2019 12:20

It’s not grabby to throw a party, it’s quite the opposite. I think the people who think everything is grabby are the ones who would do things to be grabby.

People do not need to take presents.

Lots of people don’t want to be the centre of attention dating their vies it fir many reasons don’t want a formal wedding, especially if a parent has died etc. Lots & lots of reasons.

Celebrating with a party is still a nice thing to do 🥳🍻🍸🍭

PechaKucha · 24/10/2019 12:26

We did secret wedding then party over a month later - I didn’t really want the party but friends and family expected it. There were a lot of people that couldn’t make it, which was completely understandable. Another vote for hen do

Whattodoabout · 24/10/2019 12:27

Hen do because you agreed to that first. Just be honest with your friend, they will have to understand that a month isn’t much notice.

Beautiful3 · 24/10/2019 12:32

Definitely to the hen over the last minute wedding after party. That was silly of them and poorly planned. So many people will already have plans so hardly anyone will turn up!

VaggieMight · 24/10/2019 12:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 24/10/2019 12:41

Not the point of the thread but people can want to throw a party without being grabby! There are lots of reasons people do the wedding and party separately, the main one being cost, if you have 150 people to a formal wedding it can be unaffordable, it can be a fraction of the cost to throw a party for 150. And personally if they were good friends I'd be happy for them that they'd had the day they wanted, I'd be happy to buy them a present to celebrate and I wouldn't particularly care about missing a 10 minute ceremony, all thr time stood about waiting at weddings while people go off and do photos etc, or a formal sit down meal of soup and dried up chicken! Woukd much rather just skip to the party bit!

Girlking · 24/10/2019 12:56

Hen do definitely, as you have already accepted invitation and it will be good to meet some of the women who will be at the wedding particularly seeing as your bf is an usher and it’s his best friends wedding

Loveislandaddict · 24/10/2019 13:00

So essentially you’ve been invited to a party, not a wedding.

In that case, Hen do.

TheMustressMhor · 24/10/2019 13:03

Oh, people who have secret weddings can just fuck off IMO.

You're right. Many people will have made plans as Christmas is approaching.

It's another vote for your attending the Hen Do, OP.

TheMustressMhor · 24/10/2019 13:06

Not the point of the thread but people can want to throw a party without being grabby! There are lots of reasons people do the wedding and party separately, the main one being cost

..in which case the bride and groom don't need to keep the wedding a complete secret.

I think that's the issue here. Not the fact that they are having a party afterwards - which they could have announced many months ago, when they told their guests that the wedding was small and private.

BrendasUmbrella · 24/10/2019 13:21

Hen do. If they are both local, maybe you could pop over to his event after.

If he's a very close friend, offer to take them out for dinner/drinks at another date.

greeentopmilk · 24/10/2019 13:22

People who do these surprise secret weddings are a bit stupid if they think anybody other than them really cares about the big surprise.

They should have done a low key ceremony, exactly how they wanted, m not made a big fuss if they didn't want but been honest with close friends and family.

They could have arranged their post wedding party, but giving 2-3 months notice for invitations like most people do as these days.

People lead much busier lives than back in the days of 6 weeks notice for invitations. People often need far more notice to arrange work/babysitters/get it in the diary so not to double book etc...

Morally you should attend the hen party as you already committed.

But if you really are torn, it would entirely depend on the type of hen party.

If it will cause a headache for the organiser, if it means none payment for something and putting the other guests payment up. You really shouldn't pull out.

If it's a meal and drinks/clubbing and no major issue with payments then it's not quite so bad.

If it's a small hen and someone dropping out will be noticeable it's not good. Big hen with loads going, not so bad.

Your friend doesn't sound like that close a friend though if he didn't tell you he was engaged then had got married.