AIBU to think you need to give more than one month's notice? (wedding-related)

[ashmts]

Background is my boyfriend is an usher at his best friend's wedding in December. I don't know the bride that well but we've become friendly and she invited me to her hen which I was very grateful for. It means I'll get to know some people before the wedding, and since my bf's an usher I might be alone for quite a bit of the day. This has all been organised for months.

Now one of my best friends has got married secretly. Ceremony was this week, he's just told everyone, and they're having a party to celebrate. The problem is it's on the same night as this girl's hen do.

AIBU to attend the hen over the 'wedding'? I committed to that first. But, on the other hand, I don't know her that well while he's a very close friend and I don't want him to be upset. But if you keep it a secret surely you need to expect that some people will have plans? Especially in the lead up to Christmas! I can't imagine I'll be the only person who can't make it. Honestly not sure what to do.

Oh wow I totally disagree. I'd do the party. Yes letting the hens down is bad but it sounds like there are a lot going. As long as you pay for everything you committed to, ring or tell her in person why (cos it's a great mate's big event) and send flowers. A hen do isn't as important life event as a wedding party.

The girl who has invited you to a hen party has done a lovely thing, and could be a potential great friendship. Cancelling now would be a real shame.

I would say that if your friend who got married in secret didn't care enough to give you time to plan to attend, or even to tell you he was getting married, then he's probably not that great a friend anyway.

Why are people so personally offended by secret/private weddings? I don’t see a problem with a party afterwards even if they did want gifts. It’s still less expectation from guests then it is a standard wedding usually brings. FWIW it’s worth it sounds to me like they just wanted to be married and celebrate it without getting entangled in forking out a small fortune on stuff that really doesn’t matter, getting drawn into the stress of planning a wedding and having people coming from them at every angle and trying to keep everyone happy. I wish more people did it tbf.

OP I would go on the hen and explain to my friend that you really can’t cancel at such short notice. Arrange to go for a special meal to celebrate with them.

I'd go to the Hen Do (even though I think they are nonsense)

1. because it's clearly what you want to do
2. because good manners require you honour your prior commitment

I don't see why the Secret Weddingers are being castigated, however. It's totally fine, it's not "grabby", and the amount of total grief people get over their decisions by people who should know better is massive - as many threads on here attest.

A hen do isn't as important life event as a wedding party.

What makes the wedding party so special? A surprise wedding I would agree possibly could be seen as more important than a hen do but this is just a party many weeks after an event in which they didn't want anyone to participate. Its not more important nor is it a life event because the life changing event would be the wedding ceremony where they legally became husband and wife and they've already had that.

Hen do. It's very bad manners not to honour a prior commitment.

Cross posted with a lot of people who sound like hard work - why the hell should a friend (not son, daughter or parent) tell you they’re going to get married if they want to do it quietly? Why would you not just be happy for them and enjoy a party if it was on offer?

I think there’s something actually really romantic about just having your actual ceremony for the two of you, I can’t imagine getting the hump with any of my friends for not telling me before hand.

**Hen do.

I don't think your best friend is being grabby in having a party or unreasonable to only tell people a month in advance. However with that kind of notice, he can expect lots of people to already have plans, as you do.**

^This. And I don’t think throwing a party if grabby at all.

Just a quick 'in defence of the secret wedding' here. Just because a person has got married in secret, doesn't mean that they're being grabby by having a party afterwards! When I married my husband, I wouldn't have been able to cope with everybody watching me. Therefore, we had a registry office, just us and 2 witnesses and then had a party afterwards.
We weren't expecting presents, although we did get a few, but I just couldn't have coped with being the centre of attention whilst I was saying my vows.

Perhaps, that's why your friend chose to have a 'secret wedding'.
I agree though, that you should go to the hen do it that's what you want to do, I just wanted people to know that it's not necessarily cheeky/grabby/greedy to want a party afterwards!

It's a shame as I would be gutted if I'd committed to a hen do and then got invited to something I'd much rather attend, with people I prefer. I'd probably still attend the hen party even though I generally hate going to them.