.. to want to go on course?

[Aagh]

I'm really struggling to get back to any kind of career, and have found an 8 week evening course that might give me a bit of direction and contacts.
Of course the first night is tonight and dh has a big presentation tomorrow and wants me to stay here. The kids are 11 and 14 so are no problem, id leave dinner arrange for pick up from scouts etc. he asked how much it was - £120which im paying for out of my part time job, but he looked visibly ill and hung dog - yet hes going to a works do on fri night and has just spent £230 on a DJ when Im sure he could wear a black suit. He then said Ive been out of work for too long, I should just get any job in town. (though in the past he's cross if its 'just ' a shop job, and not in my field) I explained I was hoping to make some contacts, find out how people write cvs these days, as it seems to be all blogs. he told me it was still cvs and, as he left for work told me he was furious, its his big presentation tomorrow and Im being self indulgent.
The self indulgent bit hurt . obviously Ill stay here tonight now, and next week is guy fawks so it'll be the same thing.
Trouble is, I feel resentful and confused. am I being selfish and self indulgent?. I should have told him on tues when i booked it, but was nervous of his reaction. So I guess I suprised him, but on the other hand, hes 40 odd. why does he need me to put the kids to bed?

Well done for going on the course! Keep going op, it seems really useful

Think about whether your relationship is making you happy or not

Ah. There’s a question! Thanks for the encouragement And the advice x

Look after yourself x

Just checking in to see if you're lined up to go this week?
I really hope so

Yes! Thanks dark.
Feeling bad for muttering about the poor chap. He has a v difficult boss who emailed him on Friday midnight demanding work be done for Monday. Good job he looked at his work email on Saturday! He went to work Sunday and is very stressed. So yup, feeling guilty and will make more of an effort to keep house tidy, nice dinner etc. And yes, am still going to the course whatever. Thanks to you guys I think it’s important I do my stuff too - didn’t sign up to be a housekeeper.
Am super chuffed at how helpful you all are, have helped me focus.

Having a difficult boss doesn't mean its ok for him to treat you like a housekeeper
Don't be manipulated into feeling sorry for him and end up capitulating to everything he wants.

I just want to echo other posters. If I (rarely) go for coffee with a friend, I invariably get a text from my DH saying "if your friend mentions lunch, feel free to stay and have lunch out" - he wants me to socialise.

I hope the course is wonderful.

I'm pleased you made the course. Well done.

You often say in your posts that he is not mean etc but actually I think you may be justifying it to yourself? Does that make sense? I am only going by my own previous experiences. I would say 'oh but hes not mean he is just angry from work/stressed' etc when actually that was mean.
Making you feel had to the point you do not go IS mean. Sulking when you do go IS mean behaviour.

It is absolutely normal for abusive men to be nice at times too. I've had friends say 'he's lovely at times' well yes, but being a dick the other half of the time is still being abusive.

He has got you to the point where he does not have to tell you not to go as he knows what to do and say that will make you not do it anyway. Basically you ate just potty in his hands and react to him how he wants you too.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but it exact mirrors what I have been through. I did a course and my ex kicked off on the exam day and I didnt go and subsequently failed.

I am now years on and moved on. I am married to new man. I recently went to rome with my friends nd was genuinely not used to the constant support my husband gives. He never made me feel bad...he was so happy for me!

Do NOT cancel any more of your plans. He is conciously sabotaging anything that would improve your career prospectives, so he can moan that you don't have job that's good enough. Therefore he thinks it's justified if he treats you as his slave.

Feeling guilty and will make more of an effort to keep house tidy, nice dinner etc.

You have no reason to feel guilty. You are not the source of his stress.
I'm sorry, OP, but you sound really under the thumb. You have a daughter--what message are you sending her? That it's ok to be controlled and emotionally blackmailed by her DP.
Your husband is a controlling prick and you are enabling him.
Get your power back.
Oh, and go to this prestigious party.

Your first post is really striking, the wording you used. That obviosuly you will stay home now. I can promise you that there's nothing obvious about cancelling a course you've paid for, that would help your career, only because your husband wants you to stay home for no good reason whatsoever. No, practising presentations or putting teenagers to bed is not a good reason.

Thanks guys. Thanks. I’m trying to reply individually and my heads just spinning! You’ve all certainly got me thinking.and re thinking.
ThInk you’re right Skye, I have become putty.i automatically persuede myself not to do stuff cos I imagine a negative reaction. Kicking off on exam day sounds worryingly familiar. Also it is confusing because he is nice - not textbook threatening, but I now realise, wants his own way. Glad you have found a chap to be happy with!
Another question, though I suspect I know the answer...before going out, I wanted to get ready, dh wanted a cuddle. I said no, no time! And he said, In a jokey way, ‘ but I’m taking you out to a posh dinner, I should be revered”, well that made me feel adored, not. when I still said no, he said ‘ you never want to, well that’s it then, I think we should question why were together”, he may have said we’re finished, can’t remember! He’s said this before and I was pleased it didn’t upset me as much as it used to, and I ignored him, and we had a nice night out - thou shouldn’t it be talked about? But I find it hard to be all sexy Without some affection in between times. Last time I said no, he said he worked all week so he deserved it. It doesn’t seem a particularly a nice way to Woo a gal.
Oh lawks. Does not enabling him mean just doing what I want to more? Googling now!
Thank you again. I’ve written this about three trillion times and am getting more confused at my thoughts with every draft!

Bleurgh. He worked hard and he deserved it. Just give him a dog biscuit and say: ‘good boy’.
He is so toxic. The thing is, he’s got such an array of issues, you’ll never fix him. He needs to see somebody and work through all the mess in his head.
Have you looked up the freedom program? Did you download ‘why does he do that?’ I think you’ll find the answer to a lot of your questions there.

Also it is confusing because he is nice - not textbook threatening, but I now realise, wants his own way.

I had one of those. Never threatening. But always in a bad mood if he didn't get his own way. Sulking. Disappointed, because I did or said something. Annoyed because I wanted to do something he didn't approve. I was sneaking around on eggshells and spent my entire day worrying how to behave so he would not be unhappy again. what a miserable life that was.

Passive anger is no better than active anger, it is just that active anger is more easy to spot. If his behaviour is manipulating you to change your behaviour purely for his gain, then it isn't right. You aren't his puppet on a string. You are a person in your own right and what you want matters.

Thanks everyone for your input. Very grateful!