.. to want to go on course?

[Aagh]

I'm really struggling to get back to any kind of career, and have found an 8 week evening course that might give me a bit of direction and contacts.
Of course the first night is tonight and dh has a big presentation tomorrow and wants me to stay here. The kids are 11 and 14 so are no problem, id leave dinner arrange for pick up from scouts etc. he asked how much it was - £120which im paying for out of my part time job, but he looked visibly ill and hung dog - yet hes going to a works do on fri night and has just spent £230 on a DJ when Im sure he could wear a black suit. He then said Ive been out of work for too long, I should just get any job in town. (though in the past he's cross if its 'just ' a shop job, and not in my field) I explained I was hoping to make some contacts, find out how people write cvs these days, as it seems to be all blogs. he told me it was still cvs and, as he left for work told me he was furious, its his big presentation tomorrow and Im being self indulgent.
The self indulgent bit hurt . obviously Ill stay here tonight now, and next week is guy fawks so it'll be the same thing.
Trouble is, I feel resentful and confused. am I being selfish and self indulgent?. I should have told him on tues when i booked it, but was nervous of his reaction. So I guess I suprised him, but on the other hand, hes 40 odd. why does he need me to put the kids to bed?

YANBU. There is a lot in the news now about co-ersive and controlling behaviour. I was one of those women. I had a uni degree but a dead end job. I tried to get fitter, he told me to stop going swimming as i wasnt making time for him (even though i was swimming when he was working). He said i didnt earn enough but didnt like me applying for other jobs. Every forward step i made, he made an excuse to shut it down cos he was scared i would improve my self worth. I did go on a course - much to his annoyance. He complained it cost too much even though i took a student loan & got a bursary so had more money than normal. It took 2.5 years but lead to a well paid job in a good profession. He dumped me after 9 years and i think he did that to try to squash me and 'put me in my place' make me feel weak. Then he decided i could come back. But his plan backfired and within a couple of months all my friends he had pushed away came back, i got a great job , great career and still in touch with his son (he is not). That drama ended 10 years ago and i have never looked back
Go do the course. Take one step at a time and even if it brings up arguments, remember if you are strong and happy, your children will see that and model from you. Go for it. X

Sorry not RTFT as in a rush but I wanted to ask you to be careful. Do not let this man ground you down. Get s job and stand in your own two feet and be selfish and independent. You are so vulnerable if he leaves ... And yes, he could one day. I let my ExHs career and dumb attitude and ended up jobless single parent and it's now hell. Get a good job - any you want - however you want. Look after yourself as he will not look out for you - he isn't now and he won't when/if you separate.

You sound amazing and he sounds like a total knob! Go, invest in yourself. And if he kicks off, just calmly say 'im sorry you feel like that.' Or 'oh dear, let's agree to disagree/ we can't agree on everything' and take the high road. Don't give him anything to argue with. You go girl. Once you've got a bit more confidence you can tell him to sod off but thought those phrases might help if you haven't been able to stand up for yourself for a while

Oh, wow, another textbook abusive man. He's not even original.

This might change your life, op: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Although it might be a bit upsetting at first to realise they've written a course and a book that could have been based on him and your life. All those things you dismissed, explained away or blamed yourself for... Coercive control.

Go on the course! Don't let him manipulate you out of such a great opportunity to get back in control of your own life.

Absolutely go to your course OP, it could change your life, and it sounds like a change in your life in very much needed.

Go on the course.

Did you go?

OMG. Thanks ladies.
have just been re reading all your amazing comments and am going to admit Lizs, ...I didnt go.
The person who ran the course said she could fill me in no problem.
I couldn't quite leave dh in the lurch as today is a big day for him. Maybe I'm a soft touch, but he does have a long commute/horrid boss etc.so I couldnt quite leave him to it - though I kindof noticed that he didnt get chance to answer my email regarding going, and didnt comment that I hadnt gone. I would have done if roles were reversed. he didnt practise his talk, but we did spend the evening cheering him on.
Im tempted to ask myself if being over sensitive/petty,
Obviously not judging from your reactions.

The good thing is that now I feel completely justified in going next week. I also have taken all your advice on board too.
I struggle with whats fair if im at home - I think he could tidy his own room so it doesnt look like a squat? (yes we have seperate rooms)At least Ive stopped trying to be super housewife because of the appaling guilt and sense of failure at not working while he does.
I am also (oh no! floodgates of moans opened!) getting a bit tired of trying to set up a wee side hustle and relying on mates for encouragment. I just spent a whole £20 on some equipment and he said nothing but kindof looked disapproving. which is nothing! but yes it does, it kindof grinds you down. but its so nothingy I just feel Im moaning all the time. but maybe it does all revolve around him...
Ive heard of the freedom programme and thought, 'what me?! but hes nice! hes just stressed!' ( and likes being looked after!). I'll go - scary, but thank you.
Crystaltips thats an amzing story, well done. and newjobbio, Im really sorry to hear that. Thank you for the warning.
Thanks all of you. do you know, I imagined doing what I want - chippy and course - and I suddenly felt all light and and enthusiastic. When I resignedly stayed in I felt grey and gloomy and realised that thats somehow become the norm and I couldnt work out why. Maybe I am ground down. It's like I break out a bit and then get sucked down again.
sorry, long post. thinking out loud. Thank you SO much everybody x

Good luck op

Thanks new job. I rather think you’ve had a crap time which sucks.I’m so sorry. I hope things are getting better.
Here all good, I think. but just wondering if AIBU?...dh recovering from black tie do .so as usual I’ve taken kids to clubs, cooked, washed, tidied, bought birthday party gift, helped son pack for said party and camping after, begun sorting out garage, and just spent 5 hours ferryingkids about. On dark country roads. Dh ha spent day in bed with hangover and so far converastion has been ‘., can you bring me an orange juice’ . This evening he rang me at 11.30 to see where I was ( I was downstairs). So he finds out I’m in, and doesn’t ask anything about my 5 hours of ferrying kids about, but if I can bring up a drink...Er, no... he says, ‘fine (sigh) I’ll come down’ So I say oh ok, I’m coming to bed anyway, I’ll bring you a drink.( what was I thinking?) Then when I get to his room he says will I sit with him a while. Er..AIBU? he won’t come to my room and sit with because he says my bed isn’t comfortable. Which means I Get sit and watch tv with him I have to fend him off/get out and go later cos I snore And he listens to the radio all night. Am also kind of cross because I imagined being welcomed home with a cooked tea, and knew of course that’s the stuff of dreams. Is it though? Instead I get a passive aggressive sigh when I say I’m going to bed. Does he really think I’ll sit and watch tv/ turn into a porn star and tippy toe off to my bed after? Does he even think this is unreasonable? ...AIBU? Sorry, part moan, part exasperation. Part ..what happens in your home?!

Omg total idiot moan I didn’t mean to post! Sorry

OP, I know this is ‘your normal’, but please listen to me: this is NOT normal. It’s coercive control, it is punishable by law, it’s that bad.
Please please please do the freedom programme and put ‘Why does he do that’ on your kindle/phone and read it.

I used to be in a relationship like yours. It made my hairs stand on end reading your posts.
I’m out of that relationship. For comparison, I just finished a postgrad 6 months course. Before I enrolled DP and I sat down and talked about it and the disruption it would cause to our life. He looked at me as if I had two heads: what do you mean? Of course I’ll pick up the slack so you can study. I didn’t have to tell him once that we need bread, or that I’m tired, he just supported me from the wings. And he was/is so proud of my course he told everybody, I had neighbours asking how my course is going, because they heard from DP about it, and how amazing what I’m doing is. That’s normal, what your H is doing is fucking with your head.

Why are you apologising for posting an "idiot moan"?

His behaviour is absolutely not normal and not what a supportive, loving partner does.

You are entitled to moan. You are not an idiot. You have correctly identified the problems with his behaviour and with your responses.

Do the freedom course. Do your training course. You are not his skivvy

Fucking hell your husband is nasty.

Sounds like he wants you to be kept at home and doesnt like you finding independence. Well now you know how much he values you. dont cancel the course.

Thanks guys.
Am a bit weirded out here, thanks for your comments! Poowilly, is he really nasty? Actually you’re all right - any time I want to do something there’s a reason why not.
As some of you predicted he wasn’t too happy when I said I’d be going to the course tomorrow night. Didn’t say much, just looked disapproving and muttered that it’s Halloween, couldnt I stay here.
Also.. I’ve always had a lot of eye rolling, and general disapproval if I go to my ‘class where I do a hobby’ once a week. Now I drop daughter off to a club at the same time. He’s said to me he doesn’t want her to waste her time at this place. When she appeared in her uniform for th first time, it seems he said something vaguely discouraging and I said wow! She commented on the difference in our reactions. Does he want us to sit in every night?
To add to the weirdness I’ve got an invite to a prestigious do and he’s suggested we go to a fancy dinner. So that’s nice. Why am I not excited?

Just re read your comment seaside which made me read thread from beginning. I was being all’poor him, big presentation’, id forgotten that he’d told me he was furious and I was self indulgent for wanting to go last week. To do it again this week does sound totally wanky . Omg lightbulb moment. He’s been doing this for years. It’s often such a struggle to do stuff that I now give up before I start...then I feel kind of resigned, negative, depressed...and wonder why I’m not achieving anything...bloody hell.

I really want to tell you to get angry, but I don't think you're ready for that yet. Its actually quite heartbreaking to read your comments. If you can't get angry for yourself, get angry for your DC's what kind of example is he showing them, how dare he belittle your DD for going to her club?
If you can't get angry just yet, please start making some baby steps - and please go to the course tonight. The sky won't fall in and it will probably do you the world of good. And never mind your DH, it will be good for your DC to see you stepping out and to take on some responsibility for themselves at 11 and 14 (go to bed, handle trick or treaters knocking on the door).

You are incredibly passive OP. I'm sorry to say this but you seriously need to get a grip of your life.
That man owns you. You don't talk much about the dynamics of your family as a whole. How does that work with growing up DC's?

It's time to break the pattern, and go tonight. You'll make contacts, improve your skills and heaven forbid build your confidence and have fun! What's the worst he can do, sulk? Sadly it's easier to bully and control someone with low confidence/self esteem and he's been working on that for a long time. Protect yourself and yours and your children's happiness. I really look forward to hearing how it goes tonight OP.

Does he want us to sit in every night?

Yes. Because in his mind he owns you so you do as he says. If you go out, meet other people, build skills and gain confidence you might try harder to break free of his control. If he breaks your confidence (and the children's confidence) you will stay in your place underneath his foot.

To add to the weirdness I’ve got an invite to a prestigious do and he’s suggested we go to a fancy dinner. So that’s nice. Why am I not excited?

You were invited to something exciting and he's created alternative clashing plans to prevent you going? Well, that's standard coercive control. More abuse. Why can't you go to the event you were invited to? If he suddenly wants to go to a fancy dinner you can do that any night... Unless that was just something he came up with to stop you going to the event (in which case he won't be interested any more, or will ruin it, if you go to the event).

It’s often such a struggle to do stuff that I now give up before I start

When you go on the Freedom Programme you will meet other women who have been through the same thing because this is standard procedure in abuse - abusive men only outright "ban" you from things (like your course) as a last resort. In the first instance they are more subtle and just make it so difficult you give up without them having to ban you. So it takes you longer to realise they're controlling you. And result is the same though whichever method they use.

Last week's excuse was the presentation and you let him derail you and stayed home. Understandable - the idea it was deliberate and abusive was brand new. The possibility of defying him and his control was also new and I imagine scary.

This week he has found a new excuse (halloween) with the same goal: preventing you from attending a course that will improve your life and reduce his control over you.

I guarantee if you stay home this week telling yourself you'll try next week he will have found a new excuse by next week and then you'll rapidly reach a point where you've missed too much for there to be any point attending the final weeks of the course and you will have missed the whole course and have missed the opportunity and be stuck with him treating you like this.

The only other people living like this are women who are also being abused. People in healthy relationships with decent, non-abusive partners have totally different lives that don't make them feel exhausted and depressed because of the way they're forced to live by their partner's behaviour.

A decent partner would be encouraging you to complete this course and would be excited for you and thrilled to see you taking up such an opportunity and seeing your confidence grow. He would be making it as easy as possible for you to attend and be interested in hearing how it went when you came home. He would be building you up not breaking you down. (The way you did with your daughter and her activity.)

Have you got yourself a place on the Freedom Programme yet?

I really look forward to hearing how it goes tonight OP.

Genuinely, it would be lovely to read an update of how you got on.

So even if he sulks and shows no interest - come and share it with us!

I wonder if in some, subconscious, level he is petrified about abandonment. This is almost existential for him, so he is doing everything he can to control everything and everyone around him.

Unfortunately this has the perverse effect of actually using up any “capital” there is in the relationship and eventually you will leave him.

He needs to understand that you are doing this course whatever, but he also needs reassurance and to get in touch with whatever he most fears.

Thank you all for taking the time to share such well considered advice.
I wrote a long reply earlier and it somehow got lost, doh!
But yes, I guess I have got passive thanks for pointing it out.- if I get cross, he gets crosser. Nuff said.
But thank you for asking quincejam, nice that you are interested!
I went to the course, yay! And yes, I think it’s going to be helpful. And it was SOOOOO NICE to be out! At night! Meeting lovely new people!
Various sulks followed. I don’t think he’s mean, but am realising he does want his own way. I think you have a point there too vivacian. but it does make it tiring.
Sorry, lot to digest and I’m trying to work it out. I really really appreciate everything you have raised.