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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to want to go on course?

91 replies

Aagh · 24/10/2019 08:31

I'm really struggling to get back to any kind of career, and have found an 8 week evening course that might give me a bit of direction and contacts.
Of course the first night is tonight and dh has a big presentation tomorrow and wants me to stay here. The kids are 11 and 14 so are no problem, id leave dinner arrange for pick up from scouts etc. he asked how much it was - £120which im paying for out of my part time job, but he looked visibly ill and hung dog - yet hes going to a works do on fri night and has just spent £230 on a DJ when Im sure he could wear a black suit. He then said Ive been out of work for too long, I should just get any job in town. (though in the past he's cross if its 'just ' a shop job, and not in my field) I explained I was hoping to make some contacts, find out how people write cvs these days, as it seems to be all blogs. he told me it was still cvs and, as he left for work told me he was furious, its his big presentation tomorrow and Im being self indulgent.
The self indulgent bit hurt . obviously Ill stay here tonight now, and next week is guy fawks so it'll be the same thing.
Trouble is, I feel resentful and confused. am I being selfish and self indulgent?. I should have told him on tues when i booked it, but was nervous of his reaction. So I guess I suprised him, but on the other hand, hes 40 odd. why does he need me to put the kids to bed?

OP posts:
BeanBag7 · 24/10/2019 09:04

How late does the course go on? Surely he could practise the presentation when you get back?

swingofthings · 24/10/2019 09:12

What course is it? It sounds like he is annoyed because he thinks it is a tactic to delay looking for ft work.

How many hours are you working currently and how long have you agreed to go ft?

If the course is something like account management, and you've only discussed going ft for the last couple of weeks, then his reaction seems unreasonable.

If however you're struggling financially, you agreed to get a ft job for months, and the course is something like massage therapy, I could understand why he'd think you are not committed to bettering the family income.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/10/2019 09:13

He can practice his presentation without an audience. Good presenting is a combination of confidence and knowing your material. I have given loads of presentations and I rarely practice in front of someone.

Snowfalling · 24/10/2019 09:13

Sounds like he is trying to sabotage your attempts at job hunting. Him saying get any old job, when he's previously said it should only be a job in your field, sounds like moving the goalposts and control. Please go.

What is the rest of your marriage like? Seems to be all about him, and you're a bit player in his life.

Please don't allow him to control you any more.

Original poster
Aagh · 24/10/2019 09:13

oh thanks ladies.
the behaviour does follow a pattern - he'll tell me he had something else planned, then tell me whatever it is too expensive, that he's been paying for computer programme (adobe, and I pay out of money my mum gave me) for far too long,that I'm hiding, and that that I should have a proper job by now.
got a local part time job which made him cross because it was 'wasting my time. the minimal wage doesnt help the finances andyou are just putting off getting a proper job.'
Ive kindof lost confidence and was hoping this course would give me a bit of oomph.

OP posts:
fairislecable · 24/10/2019 09:14

The fallout will come either now or later as you change from always being available at home to having a productive life outside the home.

Do what you need to make dinner etc easy for the DC and go to the course.

Be firm don’t argue about who needs support etc

State firmly “ I am leaving at 6 be back about 11 see you later” and follow through.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 24/10/2019 09:17

I am not surprised you’ve lost confidence if he is your cheerleader. Does he have anything positive to say?

Are there any returner programmes in your old area of work to help people get back after a break like maternity leave?

Forgotmycoat · 24/10/2019 09:18

Him demanding you stay home and miss your course so he can practise on you seems yet another sign that he thinks your role is only to suport him and appreciate his greatness. Remind him you've supported him long enough. He needs to return the favour.

He sounds selfish and controlling, and consider spending money on himself as an investment, yet when you do the same, it's a waste.

Original poster
Aagh · 24/10/2019 09:21

The course is 8 weeks of thursday evenings and is directly related to my old career and skills, so I think Im trying to be practical. I did have a good career, in a fast moving area so Im a psotitive dinosaur and am looking at how to create a freelance role - or get contacts to get a foot in a door.
I lost a lot of confidence which obviously puts employers off! and am starting again from scratch really.
I do sometimes feel like I'm here just to cook, clean, decorate, etc like his mum did.

OP posts:
MyMumIsADimensionJumper · 24/10/2019 09:27

Echo what everyone else says here. You are entitled to a career as much as he is. He is lucky you're sorting everything, so he doesn't have to do anything when he's at home and your kids are both in senior school by the sounds of it anyway. I would go and let the 'fall out' happen. He will come up with another excuse next week, then another the week after. Nip it in the bud now.

MyMumIsADimensionJumper · 24/10/2019 09:33

And besides, he could have practised anytime with you. What is it conveniently the night when you are doing your course? Has he got family or friends he can Skype with the presentation to practise?

He is being an arse!!! He is putting you in a position where you are dammed if you don't want a career (moaning about what is in his eyes pointless min wage jobs) and then when you do want one he gets difficult and expects you to drop it for him. It is a bit controlling if you ask me. Is he like this in any other areas of your life?

Hahaha88 · 24/10/2019 09:40

I'm sorry but he sounds like a first class cunt. He should be supporting you, when in fact he's belittling you and controlling you. Go to the course. You don't want to waste your money or this opportunity. If you miss the first week you'll miss out hugely. And screw guy Fawkes (tho it's on a Tuesday not a Thursday, Next Thursday is Halloween). You're future is important and should be important to him too

crosspelican · 24/10/2019 09:41

I absolutely second everything that people have told you above - go to the event and stop letting him sabotage your return to work AND simultaneously make you feel like shit for not... returning to work.

Are you a graphic designer? There are a couple of good Facebook groups you could join (well, there are hundreds!!) - there's more freelance work in the US than here in the UK, and The Rising Tide Society is an excellent group to find other creatives and network and get feedback on what to do next:

www.facebook.com/groups/therisingtidesociety/

There's also the Goal Diggers Podcast group, but that's more photography oriented:

www.facebook.com/groups/goaldiggerpodcast/

Also, check out Jenny Shih - Make It Work Online in the new year is probably too expensive for you right now, but she has heaps of free advice and coaching. It's not specific to your industry, but it's all about the nuts and bolts of setting up on your own, taught by a very straightforward professional:

jennyshih.com/

AND GO TONIGHT.

LemonPrism · 24/10/2019 09:42

Well done for working on yourself! He's being a prick if he can't see you're investing in your future. Sounds like he wants you to either go out and get a £50k job or be a stay at home wife.

That's unfair.

It's not blogs btw, everyone still uses CV and covering letter as usual. Someone with no experience may link to a blog if they think it demonstrates something but generally a blog will not work for applications.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 24/10/2019 09:49

I recently rejoined mn after a very long hiatus. Honestly posts like this are making me so sad.

OP sounds like over a long time you have been worn down in confidence and from your D(?)H and motherhood.

I want you to know that he is not acting normally. It's not like you're planning. A night out on the town (though there's nothing wrong with that either). You are trying to improve your options and working on yourself. If I told DP I wanted to do such a course he would bend over backwards to make that happen for me. You are a partnership and this means you build each other up and support each other. Please please go on this course and do what you need bit is not selfish and it YANBU

Brown76 · 24/10/2019 10:07

You don't need permission or approval from others, I think you need to action your own very sensible plan, prioritise it and make sure it happens.

Shoxfordian · 24/10/2019 10:08

He's not being supportive or kind. He sounds like a knob. Please go to your course later and next week too, you're investing in your own future and you're worth it

Original poster
Aagh · 24/10/2019 10:26

thanks ladies, you are being amazing.
mymum, I think you are right - there will always be another excuse. its happened before.
The part time minimum wage job has actually been a confidence booster and brings me a small feeling of financial independence! - in the past hes veered from saying 'go on a course,' to 'you dont need a course' now I can pay for it.
You are right, in the past it has been pointed out to me by some amazing people that he is possibly being controlling, but he has been getting counselling, and I'd thought things were improving.

I'm trying to play fair by him as he obviously is under a lot of pressure and has a long commute etc. Im sure he thinks I swan around and take advantage, but I really don't. I dont buy stuff for myself, and am trying to build a business. but yes, it would be nice to hear the occasional supportive comment (which is ironic as he complains that he never gets that from his boss!). And I do spend a lot of time trying to be encouraging and listening to his work tales.

wondering if I could do leave half way through and get home in time to listen/put kids to bed.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 24/10/2019 10:31

wondering if I could do leave half way through and get home in time to listen/put kids to bed.

Don’t be a martyr. Just don’t. You need to be strong for yourself (and your children-they’ll see you being a doormat and think that how relationships should work).

You need to go and enjoy it.

LIZS · 24/10/2019 10:32

Why would you leave part way? Either go or give in. How long is the session?

ElizaDee · 24/10/2019 10:33

obviously Ill stay here tonight now, and next week is guy fawks so it'll be the same thing

Do not stay in! Go on your course and tell him to grow up.

swingofthings · 24/10/2019 10:34

Sorry but I'm with him. It sounds like you are avoiding looking for a ft job. If the course is one evening a week, what is stopping you getting a 9-5 job before?

Have you applied to anything, gone to interviews? There is ton of info pine about writing a good CV, no need to go to a course and it should take less than a day to do.

I'd be frustrating too if I was your oh if finances are tight.

Andysbestadventure · 24/10/2019 10:46

Why not still get a 9-5 and do the course? But yanbu, he is being controlling.

Original poster
Aagh · 24/10/2019 10:48

oh my gosh, this is exactly right! - "stop letting him sabotage your return to work AND simultaneously make you feel like shit for not... returning to work."
"Sounds like he wants you to either go out and get a £50k job or be a stay at home wife", - except it's 'AND be a stay at home wife' or this is what it feels like.
I have applied for countless jobs and just dont seem to get replies, then get utterly depressed as I know I have skills, but. my experience is well out of date so I wont walk into a £50k job as he seems to think, .
He didnt want me to go to one shop interview as 'youwould spend all your wages in travel, and its not worth it, besides you have a degree, and you should be looking for a proper job, not hiding behind a shop job because thats easy' (eh?!)
. My last 2 jobs were part time and I had to fight to go to them.
the word 'control' is looming large.

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 24/10/2019 10:51

sounds like moving the goalposts and control

I agree with this, he wants you to do any old job and then is irate it is not in your field, the thing is that employment outside of the home is not just about the finance side of things, it brings you confidence and a sense that you are a capable person.

It will also bring you into contact with lots of other people and you gain friends and even listen to them talking about their lives, their families, their partners and that is where the danger lies for you OP. Because when they start talking about their partner, how kind they are, how supportive they are you might just realise that your husband is none of those things, and you find yourself in the situation you have now, with a man that doesn't want you achieving all you can yet berates you for not contributing. You will never win, and that is just the way this kind of man likes it.