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Original poster

Wwyd - work situation

87 replies

Blackjack15 · 23/10/2019 20:24

Hoping for some genuine advice please.

I've recently returned to work after having my daughter nearly a year ago. Since returning I have reduced my days from 5 days to 4. Baby is with grandparents and nursery: all fine. Since returning to work it's become apparant that a lot of my duties have been split between new & existing team members and I have very little to do. I feel I'm being slowly pushed out and might be at risk of redundancy. My boss is a lovely lady but so busy she rarely has time to speak to me. I've tried filling my day, volunteering for extra tasks and just generally keeping myself busy. It's fair to say I get on really well with my teammates, work is relaxed, flexible hours and with the occasional opportunity to wfh. Whilst I've been on mat leave another team member has been recruited full time and given almost the exact same job title and role as me.

I have applied for another job, it's very similar to my current role and I've been offered the job. It is significantly more money than I currently earn with more potential for the future. However it's a full time 5 days a week role with no flexibility. It would mean constant rushing to collect and drop at nursery and very little time to myself. All the housework, admin, cooking, collection & drop offs fall to me as my partner works very long hours & is often not home until late.

So wwyd? We don't essentially need the extra income but it would be nice to not be scrimping every month.I have to decide by the end of the week. Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Pandainmyporridge · 23/10/2019 22:29

I don't think the move from 4-5 days is that big a difference really, would be different if you worked 2 or 3 or were sahm. Your job is under threat, it might be the choice between this and nothing. There is no reason why you can't apply for flexible working in time - or your dh can, no matter what his job is.

Sauvignonblanket · 23/10/2019 22:33

In your position I would probably turn down the current offer but still keep looking for a new role that has the same sort of flexibility. I've done 5, 4.5 and 4 day weeks and the shorter week gives welcome breathing space. Things will ramp up at home if you have another or when school starts - or both.

Sauvignonblanket · 23/10/2019 22:37

I missed the bit about other half pulling their weight - sorry. Blush My answer was based on everything being split pretty evenly.

JassyRadlett · 23/10/2019 22:38

You can go full time when DC starts school if you really want to.

I see this so often but it’s really the wrong way round. Both logistically and in terms of children’s needs, I’d always make the career investment during the nursery years and reap the benefits during the school years when your kids tend to need you more emotionally and school and wraparound care are generally a lot more hassle and involve much more juggling than a really great nursery or childminder.

TowelNumber42 · 23/10/2019 22:39

Imagine you don't take it. Then you get made redundant like you expect. Then you have to find a job in a hurry to pay the bills. So you take a full time job that's less good than the one you just got offered.

You have the opportunity to get out now under your own control, to a job you actually want. Do it.

SpaceCadet4000 · 23/10/2019 22:41

I would 1000% take the new job. I know you say that your partner has a long hours job, but now he has to share some of the responsibility to enable you to also progress and have a fulfilling career. You deserve that.

When men don't take on active roles in family life it feeds into a culture which fucks over their female counterparts. It's a pet peeve of mine.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 23/10/2019 22:42

Get legal/union advice regarding your current job situation
Calculate how much you will be taking home after tax with new job sometimes with tax brackets etc promotions aren’t worth it

caringcarer · 23/10/2019 22:47

Take the job and get a cleaner for a couple of days each week using some of the extra money you will be earning. Some cleaners will do jobs like preparing veg and hanging out washing as well as cleaning, mine is brilliant like that.

pinkcardi · 23/10/2019 22:49

Take the job.

Get a nanny and a cleaner. Online food shop. Amazon Prime.

Honestly, nanny and a cleaner are absolutely lifesavers

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2019 22:52

Why does your DP not work shorter hours?

He can ask for flexible working from his employer.

Make him.

You're not the only parent responsible for your DD's welfare.

nanbread · 23/10/2019 22:54

What have you explored with the new employer re: flexible working?

Can you agree you'll review it with them in 6 months at which point you would like to go down to 4 days a week or compress hours to do 4.5 days in 4 or whatever you think will work?

If they want to employ you, you hold the cards. Have you really pushed for p/t working?

I had the opportunity to work 3 days a week and I wouldn't want to work more than that while my DC are young. My DC would not have done well in full time nursery for various reasons.

But that's my situation and yours is yours, you need to listen to your gut.

I must say @JassyRadlett makes a good point about once at school it's often harder to work around their hours than at year-round nursery so if you were going to go for it, now's not a bad time from a practical perspective.

MintyMabel · 23/10/2019 22:58

All the housework, admin, cooking, collection & drop offs fall to me as my partner works very long hours & is often not home until late.

Lucky him. So you have to reduce your hours, or work 5 days but still have to do all that and he can just say “I work long hours”?

My husband and I both worked long hours. Then we had a child and we both worked fewer hours. Because we are both parents and both have careers. This is not your problem to solve, it should be a joint effort.

haveuheard · 23/10/2019 22:59

I must be the exception then as I do remember my Mum working full time and being stressed and tired all the time when I was young. She was a single parent though and things were very different 30 years ago.

However I have chosen to spend more time with the children by working part time and go back for a 'career' later on. I will be working until I'm 70 at least - there really is no rush to achieve fantastic things now - once my youngest is at secondary school I will still have more than 25 years of work ahead of me! Unless you are in one of those industries where you know you will accumulate enough wealth to retire early, the reality for most people is they will have several 'careers'. So it just depends what you want. But I agree with people who say your partner should step up whatever happens.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2019 23:00

When men don't take on active roles in family life it feeds into a culture which fucks over their female counterparts. It's a pet peeve of mine.

100% this. ^^

KatieHack · 23/10/2019 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

44PumpLane · 23/10/2019 23:03

Sorry I haven't read the full thread but I would say to go for the new role.
The situation you describe is similar to what happened to me when I came back from maternity. I asked for more work and tried to get involved in more things but the manager who had taken over my team wasn't interested.
I was made redundant ultimately, but essentially took a settlement package from them to go willingly.

I'm in a better and more flexible role now, but would have preferred to avoid the stress and upset of the situation.

ffswhatnext · 23/10/2019 23:08

First have a chat with your husband and ask him when he’s going to step up and start being a husband a father. Parenting is a joint effort.
Parenting and household jobs shouldn’t fall on one person. If he lived alone he would have to do it so why isn’t he.
Then once he steps up, then you both look at solutions to make up the shortfall.

Londonmummy66 · 23/10/2019 23:11

I have a friend who has a massively responsible and all consuming (ie one below FD level) job in a top FTSE company. He has always done all of the cooking for his family - he recognizes that he is part of a unit and needs to pull his weight. If he is going to be away he cooks and puts meals in the freezer for his wife to defrost and serve as he knows it is one less thing for her to worry about. Unless your OH is chairman of ICI (in which case he can cough up for a FT housekeeper plus a nanny) he can do his share even if it means planning ahead.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/10/2019 23:12

The chance may not come up again.
If redundancy looming, take the job and you will find a way to make it work.
I sacrificed a really good career because of my DH's unreasonable work hours, lack of job flexibility and I never really got it back again and have never ceased to regret it.
Can you buy some extra days holiday to have the odd four day week opportunity in the holidays for example? anything that you can tweak to make things work. Anything that you can do to make the chores easier. It's your dream job, you might be able to tinker with it to make it work.
Have a serious discussion with your DH about what he can do to help out occasionally.
As soon as you get into the school routine things will be much easier. Very best of luck

MyNewBearTotoro · 23/10/2019 23:13

If you’re going to be working much longer hours then chores such as housework and cooking will need to be redistributed between you and your partner so that he is doing his fair share. He can’t expect you to work more whilst doing the same amount for the household and chores should be split fairly, with both of you having a similar amount of child & chore free downtime at evenings and weekends.

Look at ways to reduce your household load such as batch cooking and freezing meals. Employing a cleaner would be a good idea if you can afford it. A nanny would be ideal but I recognise that is a big cost.

ffswhatnext · 23/10/2019 23:15

Why do people regularly settle for these imbalances within their home especially?
We are all about being equal in work, but homes nah I will revert back to the unequal role. And we wonder why male bosses don’t take us serious.

Creepster · 23/10/2019 23:17

I would take the new job and either job out the laundry or have someone in to tidy and wash up giving you time with toddler.

NoSquirrels · 23/10/2019 23:19

There are some jobs which are genuinely inflexible. If you work on an oil rig, of course you are not around to do 50-50 parenting and domestic shitwork.

What most people mean, though, by "my DH/DP has a stressful, highly-paid job that means he works long, unpredictable hours so I have to do all the domestic stuff and childcare" is "my DH/DP isn't willing to challenge any of the status quo at work because he's either too lazy, too junior or too selfish".

IMHO, of course.

IdblowJonSnow · 24/10/2019 00:00

Take the new job. Sounds like a really good opp. And don't ask your dh to step up, tell him.
If it's too much you can ask to reduce in a year or change jobs again. Sounds a bit precarious where you are now and often good to have a change anyway.
Good luck!

MojoMoon · 24/10/2019 00:59

You aren't married.
Therefore it is doubly imperative not to damage your earning potential.

Take the job.

If anything was to happen in your relationship, you would not reap any benefit from having supported your partner in his career while acting at the detriment of your own.

Your child is best off if you are more financially secure.

And your partner is perfectly capable of doing some housework. If he was single he would still have to feed and clean up after himself despite his long hours. He can come home even after a 12 hour day, do 30mins efffcient housework a day and still have plenty of time to sleep.

Get a cleaner (paid for by both people) plus send laundry out especially if you iron .