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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday party pickle

100 replies

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/10/2019 20:04

I need some help please!

My DTDs (11) have been invited to a birthday party on Sunday. It'll just be them, the birthday girl (DD2s BFF), the brother and the parents. The parents don't speak a word of English apparently (although how you can live in England for over 11 years and not have even a basic understanding of English boggles the mind). The party involves them picking DDs up from our house and taking them swimming and for lunch (5 hours). Even though the invitation said to call them to confirm, I've been trying for 2 weeks and they never answer the phone. According to BFF they don't like talking over the phone (and can't speak English).

Now I know my DDs really really want to go, but I just can't bring myself to let the two most precious things in my life go off in a car with complete strangers who can't even answer the phone to me. It also pisses me off considerably that they say to call and then don't answer the phone to me, and expect me to entrust my DDs to people I've never met.

I know DDs would be heartbroken not to go, and DD2 has given BFF our address, so chances are they'll show up here on Sunday anyway and want to take the girls along - how do I say no then?

Arrrgggghhhh! I don't know what to do. I can't get hold of the parents to let them know...well, anything. I can't say no to DDs if they show up here anyway. We can't just not be in as it is DDs BFF and I don't want to ruin the friendship.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:

Aridane · 24/10/2019 07:56

I wouldn’t leave my child with a childminder I hadn’t previously met/spoken to; so why would I let my child be driven off by people who haven’t spoken to me at all?

perhaps because they’re secondary school children who want to spend time with their friends

bonjourbonjour · 24/10/2019 08:27

I wouldnt let them go without at least meeting/ speaking to the parents once. 11 is not 16. Also I know your daughters will be disappointed but you can explain the situation to them, they are old enough to understand that if someone cant pick up the phone (after asking you to call them!), what other basic thing 'cant they do'?
You're trusting them with the most precious things you'll ever have.

flouncyfanny · 24/10/2019 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 24/10/2019 09:03

I know I need to let go, and I'm a pretty relaxed DM, but it's just my babies, you know . Even though they're almost as tall as me they're still my babies.

I've explained to them how I feel and they're OK-ish with not going, but I've said I'd take them myself.

The card says they have two spare seats in the car.

I need to meet the parents anyway, as the BFF gave my DD a coat - an expensive one! Apparently she has two and gave one to DD. I need to check the mother is aware/OK with this. I'm having some financial troubles at the moment and DD helpfully mentioned this to BFF, and DD says the parents have taken an 'interest' in us. Don't quite know what to make of it.

OP posts:

Atalune · 24/10/2019 09:07

I think they are just being nice and friendly.

You’re overthinking it.

Give your girls a phone and meet the parents at pickup.

NerrSnerr · 24/10/2019 09:15

Not with swimming involved.
11 year olds are old enough to go swimming without their parents so don't see the issue with the swimming part. I assume they're going to a public pool with lifeguards and not a deserted reservoir!

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 24/10/2019 09:22

I assume they're going to a public pool with lifeguards and not a deserted reservoir!

It's actually a swimming pool at a very posh, very exclusive, very expensive hotel/country club.

OP posts:

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 24/10/2019 09:40

Text them.

Howmanysleepsnow · 24/10/2019 09:55

Once my dc started secondary they started making plans with friends, no parents involved. I see no reason to need to know the parents who are giving them a lift anymore than you’d need to know a taxi driver, or other passengers on a bus. If dtds are old enough to swim/ go for pizza without a parent, I wouldn’t be concerned at them going with an unknown parent.

RuggerHug · 24/10/2019 10:14

The daughter wrote the invites? Any chance this is a scheme the girls came up with and it's the daughters number so she won't answer and give the game away?

Sorry maybe I'm only thinking that because I was sneaky at that age and said 'of course Xs Mam will be there'. Lift was got around by waiting until DM in bathroom or something and yelling 'they're here now bye' and running out the door before the lack of car was noticed.

RuggerHug · 24/10/2019 10:15

Actually yeah with your 2, the friend, the sibling and parents how are they all fitting in the car?

Milicentbystander72 · 24/10/2019 10:37

You wouldn't believe the vague social arrangements that teens make once they're in a Secondary.

I dropped my teen off in a field in Somerset a few weeks back for a party! Literally a field. I did happen to bump into the party boys mum on the drive home but it was very .....improvised. Mind you my dd is 15. I guess that might make a difference.

I'm guessing that as the invites are so nicely done the parents consider that an arrangement. I know it's hard OP, but I'd grit your teeth and let them go.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 24/10/2019 12:03

I really don't think it's something the girls have cooked up by themselves. We live on an estate literally in the middle of nowhere with no public transport links whatsoever, apart from the school bus. There would be no way the friend could get here, or my girls could get there, without a parent driving them.

OP posts:

eenymeenyminyme · 24/10/2019 12:11

You take a look at their car to make sure it looks safe enough

You're proposing giving them a coffee then giving the car a quick MOT without being able to explain to them what you're doing? Sounds like a scene from a sit com!

OP - if they're going to a posh health club I'm sure there will be lifeguards etc to keep an eye on the children. Just make sure at least one of your DDs has a phone so you can stay in touch.

Whattodoabout · 24/10/2019 12:34

My DH’s best friend has lived in Denmark for five years and can’t speak a word of Danish. He has called DH up before and sat complaining about his fiancée and her friends all chatting in Danish, leaving him out of the conversation but he refuses to learn. He says it’s because he is dyslexic but I think he’s just a lazy bastard. He has a baby now too who will speak the language before he does, embarrassing.

My cousins teach in a school with parents who can’t speak English, the children translate for them at parents evenings and such.

Anyway, that aside. Your DC are old enough now to handle this I think, they’re not four year olds. I’d let them go and have fun, I really don’t see what could happen.

RedskyToNight · 24/10/2019 12:43

Many secondary school children arrange their parties entirely unaided by parents.

If you want to get in touch with you, why not ask DD to ask her friend to get them to call you? Or ask DD to call her friend and get her to then pass you the phone? For a "swimming and lunch" party the parents will hardly be involved except to act as taxi service, surely?

BackforGood · 24/10/2019 19:16

It's actually a swimming pool at a very posh, very exclusive, very expensive hotel/country club.

My dc lifeguard at a posh private club..... just to reassure you they have lifeguards there.
11 yr olds can go swimming by themselves and will have been allowed since they were 8 at our local pool, so even if it were made up, I still don't see an issue.

They are at secondary school, and going out, in the day, together for a swim and something to eat.
You really are over thinking this. Just let them go

NovoJester · 24/10/2019 19:38

Op, have you text them yet?

Do you unconsciously have other reasons for not wanting your kids to go because i would have texted by now!

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 24/10/2019 20:44

I sent a text earlier saying we will be out in the morning, so I am happy to drop the girls off. I ended with saying: Please let me know if that's OK.

They've just replied. One word. "OK".

OP posts:

BlueLadybird · 28/10/2019 21:33

How did it go @PuddyMuddles4

30somethingandtired · 28/10/2019 23:04

Compromise. Ask you Dd to find out which swimming pool they're planning on going to, then say that you will drive your children and meet the other family there.

Your Dd can go for a swim with their friend, you can sit in the cafe and wait for them. Close enough if you're needed, but still allows the plans to go ahead.

Also; txt the parents. No one rsvps to a birthday invite by phoning.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 29/10/2019 09:32

Sorry I didn't update yesterday - it was a manic day.

Anyway, I got a crash course in Russian hospitality! I drove the DDs to the pool, and as soon as we got out of the car I got wrapped in a huge bear hug by the mother. We then got taken (by the hand) to their car, where they immediately fed us traditional Russian food (to get energy for swimming lol). She also gave me a beautifully wrapped huge family Bible as a gift.

After swimming, and sauna, steamroom and spa, they were off to Pizza Hut for lunch. I said I was quite happy for them to take DDs and I would go home and have a cuppa. I got told quite firmly: No! Car stay here. You come! She took my hand, walked me to their car, I was firmly deposited in the car and off to lunch we went. She does not take no for an answer .

After lunch it was photo time, and numerous pics were taken of the whole group, after which we were driven back to our car.

What a lovely, lovely family. They can speak a smattering of English, there was another young lady who couldn't speak any English and only a tiny bit of Russian, so nobody really understood each other, but we all got along very well and a great day was had.

OP posts:

RedskyToNight · 29/10/2019 10:01

Glad you had such a good day OP! And sounds like you may have made some new friends?

Atalune · 29/10/2019 10:41

I KNEW this would happen! I am so pleased!

Sounds like a wonderful day and lovely family.

BillHadersNewWife · 30/10/2019 20:39

Oh gosh how fabulous! Your DD is so lucky to have a friend from a different culture like this...so enriching and lovely.

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