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AIBU?

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Original poster

Birthday party pickle

100 replies

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/10/2019 20:04

I need some help please!

My DTDs (11) have been invited to a birthday party on Sunday. It'll just be them, the birthday girl (DD2s BFF), the brother and the parents. The parents don't speak a word of English apparently (although how you can live in England for over 11 years and not have even a basic understanding of English boggles the mind). The party involves them picking DDs up from our house and taking them swimming and for lunch (5 hours). Even though the invitation said to call them to confirm, I've been trying for 2 weeks and they never answer the phone. According to BFF they don't like talking over the phone (and can't speak English).

Now I know my DDs really really want to go, but I just can't bring myself to let the two most precious things in my life go off in a car with complete strangers who can't even answer the phone to me. It also pisses me off considerably that they say to call and then don't answer the phone to me, and expect me to entrust my DDs to people I've never met.

I know DDs would be heartbroken not to go, and DD2 has given BFF our address, so chances are they'll show up here on Sunday anyway and want to take the girls along - how do I say no then?

Arrrgggghhhh! I don't know what to do. I can't get hold of the parents to let them know...well, anything. I can't say no to DDs if they show up here anyway. We can't just not be in as it is DDs BFF and I don't want to ruin the friendship.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 23/10/2019 21:24

It's not unheard of to not speak English. I would allow them to go but give them a mobile phone.

choli · 23/10/2019 21:26

So the best friend told your daughter that her parents speak no English ? I wonder if that was a bit of a misunderstanding.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 23/10/2019 21:27

Do they work? If so they must basic English. Have your daughters met them or are they getting the information from their friends who may be embarrassed their parents speak with an accent etc.

Have you tried ringing them? Passing them a note?

To be honest I used to go swimming after school at 11 with a friend the same age, I'm sure they will be ok to go if they are confident in the water. It's not like they are going to be sleeping over unsupervised or something. What are you actually going to ask the parents if you can get hold of them?

lunkitsmum · 23/10/2019 21:28

I would text the mobile number and ask them to confirm the plans for saturday if they didn't get back to me I would just assume it wasn't happening. Or I'd maybe ask the new friend over for tea one night before the party so you get to know her a little and feel better about your dc hanging out.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 23/10/2019 21:31

Sorry just to be clear, I'd let them go. I'd just make sure my daughters could contact me if there was an issue and speak up if there was something unsafe eg not enough seats with seatbelts and I'd come and give them a lift. To be honest I'm not sure why people are worried about them getting in the car with them - with people I know fairly well I still dont know about their driving convictions and attitude to safety etc

64sNewName · 23/10/2019 21:32

I somehow thought this was going to be about an actual pickle

BlueLadybird · 23/10/2019 21:38

Could you give a note/card to the friend via your daughter, asking the parents to call you to discuss the birthday?

If you’re worried about driving, seats etc then you could drop them off (don’t offer, just say you will drop them off at the swimming pool at x time).

willloman · 23/10/2019 21:42

I would drive them to venue and then lurk/go for coffee and drive them back. I would not in a million years let my children drive off with two strangers about whom I know nothing and definitely given their form for not answering phone. Being a bit upset over missed/altered party plans is nothing compared to disasters that could happen.

billy1966 · 23/10/2019 21:43

Nope, I wouldn't be happy with those vague arrangements. 11 is still young.

What if something happened, how would non English speakers cope in an emergency.

It would be a no from me.

It's all too vague.

Chocolatecake12 · 23/10/2019 21:45

Surely your girls have their friends mobile number? Get them to call her and ask if you can speak to the parents on speakerphone so she can translate. Or FaceTime!

Pharlapwasthebest · 23/10/2019 21:48

No chance I’d let mine go!

Pringlesfortea · 23/10/2019 21:48

I’ve 4 ,and I’m really chilled
But this would be a no from me
How do you know they are actually taking them swimming,and will actually bring them back
If they were 14/15 yes
But 11 .
No .
Not if I’ve not met the parents

Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 23/10/2019 21:58

So it's about 50/50 lol.

Because it's half term there is no way to pass a message on to the BFF - I don't even know where they live, and DD doesn't have her mobile number.

If they do show up I'll probably tell them I'll take my DDs in my car and follow them, and then stay 'till I feel more comfortable.

If it was at a venue where I could drop them off with lots of other kids I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I'm just really not comfortable with watching them drive off in a car with complete strangers. And what if there was an accident? How would the parents let me know if they can't speak English?

OP posts:
mamandematribu · 23/10/2019 22:16

If I couldn't get in touch with the parents for over two weeks and my dc told me that's because the parents do not speak English I would not let them go and be a bit like Hmm
I might also be tempted to believe that dc were telling me lies about where they are going and who they are going with.
I would worry to much about the whole things.

greenlynx · 23/10/2019 22:27

Tbh I would be uncomfortable with letting 11 years old to go somewhere with people who doesn’t speak English. I also wouldn’t like that I never met them and their daughter, it’s very recent friendship.
And I’m a bit surprised that your daughters will be the only guests at the party. In year 7 I would expect some friends from primary to be invited.
I was going to suggest meeting BF at the pick up and ask her about the party and their address but your plan is much better.

embarassednewname · 23/10/2019 22:30

Something isn't adding up. They don't speak English, they don't answer the phone, DTDs don't have the girl's mobile, you don't have an address....right....

Are you sure your DTDs are not making this up? Sound like the kind of thing I'd try to pull at that age...not that my parents ever fell for it...

Hotcuppatea · 23/10/2019 22:34

send a text. If their English isn't good, they'll either get their children to translate or have an App that does it.

My son's best friend has parents that speak very little English. That's how I manage communication with them, alongside lots of nodding and smiling.

greenlynx · 23/10/2019 22:39

By the way I don’t think that BF’s parents will be upset about your suggestion to take your DC yourself. They should understand your concern. I always take this into account and try to introduce myself beforehand at least to a child. And the first time is always a drop off by parents.

Treaclespongeandcustard · 23/10/2019 22:40

I wouldn’t be happy with that OP. I wouldn’t send my DD’s off with people I had never met before, especially not to go swimming. I would be willing to drive them there, and have a coffee or something whilst they swam, but I wouldn’t let strangers drive off with my babies.

Wheelerdeeler · 23/10/2019 22:40

YABU to call her your daughters bff when she's known her a month

Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 23/10/2019 22:40

Are you sure your DTDs are not making this up? Sound like the kind of thing I'd try to pull at that age...not that my parents ever fell for it...

I have two beautifully decorated, hand written invitation cards. It gives all the details about times and activities, and says my DDs will be given a safe lift there and back. Pizza Hut after swimming.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddyMuddles4 · 23/10/2019 22:44

@Wheelerdeeler - that's what DD calls her. It's just a term they use Hmm.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 23/10/2019 22:46

I have met many parents of patients at work, who have been here for years and speak not a word of English. Several families have children with severe special needs. They use their other children to translate for them.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/10/2019 22:47

How the hell can you live anywhere for 11years and not pick up Some of the language. How did they get their kids into the school system, attend parents evening, get their driving licence ....too many questions.
I wouldn’t be happy about this- could you text them?

Lunafortheloveogod · 23/10/2019 22:49

Have you left a voicemail or a text? Perhaps they don’t answer the phone unless their dc’s or whoever they use to translate is home, save embarrassment or confusion?

In the voicemail you could say you’re happy to bring them, that way there’s enough space in their car if anyone else would like to go (I don’t know why but I’d feel less mean doing that than outright admitting I don’t trust you I’ll come just incase)

They maybe have very limited English skills.. we had a maintenance bloke who could read English but couldn’t speak it.. besides Pen, every morning without fail Pen? Bobbed round the door. His wife worked with us and (she did speak decent English) confirmed he couldn’t keep a conversation or follow one but if it was written he got most of it and if not he could copy it to her