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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday party pickle

100 replies

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/10/2019 20:04

I need some help please!

My DTDs (11) have been invited to a birthday party on Sunday. It'll just be them, the birthday girl (DD2s BFF), the brother and the parents. The parents don't speak a word of English apparently (although how you can live in England for over 11 years and not have even a basic understanding of English boggles the mind). The party involves them picking DDs up from our house and taking them swimming and for lunch (5 hours). Even though the invitation said to call them to confirm, I've been trying for 2 weeks and they never answer the phone. According to BFF they don't like talking over the phone (and can't speak English).

Now I know my DDs really really want to go, but I just can't bring myself to let the two most precious things in my life go off in a car with complete strangers who can't even answer the phone to me. It also pisses me off considerably that they say to call and then don't answer the phone to me, and expect me to entrust my DDs to people I've never met.

I know DDs would be heartbroken not to go, and DD2 has given BFF our address, so chances are they'll show up here on Sunday anyway and want to take the girls along - how do I say no then?

Arrrgggghhhh! I don't know what to do. I can't get hold of the parents to let them know...well, anything. I can't say no to DDs if they show up here anyway. We can't just not be in as it is DDs BFF and I don't want to ruin the friendship.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:

simplekindoflife · 23/10/2019 22:51

Nope, I wouldn't be comfortable with this either.

Text them saying you'll meet them there at swimming and you can hopefully have a chat with them first. Leave them to go for pizza, if you feel comfortable, join them if not.

Josephinebettany · 23/10/2019 22:55

Have you texted the parents?

AntiHop · 23/10/2019 22:57

Yanbu. I'd go with your kids .

LolaDabestest · 23/10/2019 22:57

Who wrote the beautifully written in English invitations?

NovoJester · 23/10/2019 22:58

I would worry they wouldn’t be able to make an emergency call in the very rare event your children may need emergency care.

I would not be happy and letting them go particularly with no communication and the girls only knowing them for a few weeks.

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 23/10/2019 23:15

Who wrote the beautifully written in English invitations?

The daughter wrote the invitations.

I have left a voicemail, but will send a text as well, saying I'm happy to meet them at the swimming pool.

OP posts:

LittleGreenRobot · 23/10/2019 23:26

I'm quite a protective mum (well I thought u was!!) But my son (nearly 8) has a party this Sunday with a new school friend. I've not met the parents but was happily just going to drop him off. Is this wrong?

I'd have thought at age 11 it would be fine for a swimming party and meal, especially as the parents are picking up so you can meet them when they collect your daughter etc...

LittleGreenRobot · 23/10/2019 23:26

'I' was, not 'u was'!

Skittlesandbeer · 23/10/2019 23:39

Nopety nope.

Not with swimming involved.

It’s ok to have a different culture to theirs, and I do. It’s even quite possible that the birthday girl has convinced them the plan is very culturally normal in the UK (when it’s not) because she wants to do it. 11 year olds can be fairly sneaky around getting their own way. The parents might well be doing their best to fit in, but have been given the wrong end of the stick.

I’d find the birthday girl at school pickup and tell her clearly that no one's going anywhere until the parents have spoken- directly or through whichever interpreter they normally use. I’d use my ‘smiley and very firm’ mum face. That’s international!

Original poster

PuddyMuddles4 · 24/10/2019 00:11

I’d find the birthday girl at school pickup - it's half term, so no school 'till next week. They also catch the bus home as we live in the middle of nowhere, so no school meet-ups.

They are Russian - I don't know if this may be the way things are done in Russian culture?

OP posts:

Talkingmouse · 24/10/2019 00:19

No to going on own. I’d go with them and join in with the party.

DotForShort · 24/10/2019 01:01

Those damn forriners with their beautiful and thoughtful invitations.

Seriously, I'd let the children go to the party. Hospitality holds a very high value in Russia, culturally speaking. As a result, in general Russians tend to be excellent and solicitous hosts, even more so when children are involved. Obviously, there are exceptions to every general rule, but if they show up as expected you can chat with them briefly about arrangements (with their daughter acting as interpreter). I certainly wouldn't insist on anything beyond that, if I were in your shoes.

BackforGood · 24/10/2019 01:13

Texting or using Whatsapp would be a sensible alternative to phoning. They may well be able to read and work written things out but not have the confidence to speak to a stranger on the phone.

However, when dc go to secondary, you don't generally get to meet the parents of new firends You have to have confidence that you have brought them up with enough common sense to be aware if there is something making them feel uncomfortable and the confidecne to ring you for help if you are stuck. You even have the security blanket of the fact that the two of them will be together, they are not even going alone.
They've given you an itinary and all the details of what the plan is.

I wouldn't do anything other than make sure your dc have thought about a gift and that they are ready to go at the appointed time.

Thatisme · 24/10/2019 01:15

I have a daughter of the same age and am not a relaxed mum. I couldn't say yes to these wishy-washy arrangements. I know I'd be really worried about it so I'd try to get some sort of response from them or drop her off so that I can meet the family but wouldn't be able t let her go just like that.

BackforGood · 24/10/2019 01:28

I have two beautifully decorated, hand written invitation cards. It gives all the details about times and activities, and says my DDs will be given a safe lift there and back. Pizza Hut after swimming.

In what way can that possibly be described as 'wishy washy' @Thatisme ?

Thatisme · 24/10/2019 01:46

If I were arranging my daughter's birthday and invited an 11 year old, new school friend, whose parents I had never met, who I knew very little about etc I'd make sure her parents could get hold of me and that I could give them the reassurance that their child will be looked after properly. A pretty card written by a kid wouldn't quite cut it for me. That's my opinion and what I would do.

stucknoue · 24/10/2019 02:06

You mentioned they are Russian, I have Russian friends (speak perfect English) and they thought their kids could be a lot more independent earlier than we did eg leaving kids alone at 6&8 to attend and evening work thing (we had a sitter for ours she asked why) they left them alone all weekend by 12, they went to school alone at 5. Just cultural differences, I'm not saying it's right but it's normal in Russia. They probably see no need to talk to you and perhaps like me they don't use their landline

clutchingon · 24/10/2019 02:36

I think you are being slightly ridiculous. The daughter has written the card with all the info. Both of your dd's are going, can swim and presumably have mobiles. They are collecting your dds. They don't speak English so are not answering the phone. You need to text them and see if you get a reply. You will get to meet the parents before they trundle off with your daughters. You could text and say that you have a commitment so would prefer to drop them off if that would alleviate your concerns. Can your dd not text theirs and let them know you want to speak? My daughter is yr7 and on a sleepover with a new friend tonight. I met the dad for about 5 minutes before and went in for a cup of tea when I dropped her off today and met the mum. If I had got a bad vibe when I dropped her off I wouldn't t have allowed her to stay. Your issues are all because they don't speak English I suspect (ie it's the unknown that is causing unease - I'm not accusing you of being racist!).

clutchingon · 24/10/2019 02:37

Ps the daughter wrote the card so may have written call but meant text and they might not answer uk numbers due to language barrier. I expect they speak a fair amount t of English though.

Passthecherrycoke · 24/10/2019 02:37

They’re probably not answering the phone because they don’t recognise the number, I’d send a text.

If there was an accident or something their DD is fine to speak English and translate isn’t she?

I’d let them go. I also think it might just be a cultural difference

I’ve come across quite a few people who live here a long time and don’t speak English- I remember working in a shop as a Saturday girl and it would be fairly common for children to accompany their parents and translate
My BF is Russian and her parents don’t speak English (they don’t live here to be fair, but she has since a child) Would be such a hard language for us to learn so I guess that makes it hard for them to learn English

Countryescape · 24/10/2019 04:32

Just take them to the pool yourself so you can get a feel for the parents and then see how you fe.

Oblomov19 · 24/10/2019 05:17

Your girls are Year 7, first year of secondary? You need to let go a bit. What do you think is going to happen here?

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 24/10/2019 05:50

At 11 surely they are old enough to go swimming without the parents anyway. I think it's fine. Let them go.

clairedelalune · 24/10/2019 07:06

I would text and say yes dtds would love to go, but you have commitments on Sunday so will drop them off and pick them up.

Aridane · 24/10/2019 07:53

Alright, me personally, I'd say they can go but best believe I'd be at that swimming pool with them, waiting on the sides.😐 And I'd follow them to lunch too...

OK - the swimming pool I sort of get of you think your children may get into difficulties in the water. But stalking them at lunch?

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