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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to split money- Blended Families

58 replies

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 12:58

Hi ladies. Putting on my hard hat, as I know I am likely to get some abuse but I need some advice. NC for this.

DP has DSS (11) and DSS (9) who live with us 50% of the time. We have DD (almost 2).

Long story, but the way we are currently working our finances isn't working. We each pay 50/50 into all bills even though 1) I work PT and take care of our daughter and 2) he earns around 35% more than me and finally 3) our joint account covers everything for DSS including birthday and xmas presents. DP also pays over 2k pm in maintenance.

Now I have been ok with this up until now, but DP is due to potentially come into some money and made it clear it is 'his' not 'ours'. This money was to pay for the kids (all) private education. Apparently I should be paying 1/2 of her education but currently I can't save paying 50% for everything being on a lower salary and being PT.

Needless to say I am not happy with this as I financially carry an equal load.

I want to look at a way to re-split our financial agreements. These are are the options I have come up with. I am open to any other options too so how do you split your finances?

Option 1
pool all our money and then take equal 'us money' to our account. He would cover his maintenance out of his us money

Option 2
We both pay proportionally into our joint account based on earnings, so for every £1 he pays I pay 66p

Option 3
Leave 50/50 but I recoup the cost of childcare for the days I provide childcare free of charge.

Are there other options? What is fair??

And I overreacting? AIBU to want to change it?

OP posts:

Xenia · 23/10/2019 13:08

All of those sound reasonable options actually. I usually reocmmend women work full time however as I did with babies and it meant my earnings increased and got quite high particularly here if you are not married so have no marriage rights on divorce if you split up whatsoever.
If you worked full time you could each split childcae costs for your joint child 50/50 and you would not be losing career progression during your part time years and it might feel ilke a more equal family. (and working full time I could fund the 5 sets of school fees for my children - their father paid nothing after our divorce!)

CalmdownJanet · 23/10/2019 13:10

Someone will be along with good advice I am sure, but I just wanted to say yanbu and he is massively taking the piss!!

So he earns 35% more than you
You pay for 50% of the cost of his kids while they live you
You contribute £1000 per month to the ex even though you have the kids 50/50

Let me guess you do the lions share of the household work too, including for the step kids?

Out of interest will his ex pay for 50% of the boys private education?

lifeyouchose · 23/10/2019 13:20

Why is he paying £2k/pm maintenance if the custody split is 50:50? He shouldn't be paying a penny!

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 13:31

@Xenia Thanks but I choose to work PT so I can spend time with DD. It in no way has decreased my career progression and I am lucky that I am senior enough that I can make PT work. And yes we are married (we did it for legal reasons). I am sorry you had to fund everything yourself after the divorce!

@CalmdownJanet we have always kept our finances separate, so I actually can't tell you what the financial agreement between him and his ex is.

@lifeyouchose I know. But once again, I haven't been involved and he's a terrible negotiator. He agreed to this against the advice of his solicitor who warned him that there was a chance the judge wouldn't grant the divorce as its so skewed... She wanted to stay in the house and couldn't afford it otherwise.

Thanks. I am glad that I am not going crazy for wanting a more fairer split I just don't know what that looks like!

OP posts:

lifeyouchose · 23/10/2019 13:36

Who owns or rents the house you live in?

SantaIsReal · 23/10/2019 13:36

As someone mentioned, he doesn't have to pay any childcare for the step children! I also don't think you should be putting a penny towards this maintenance either! I'd collectively add up your joint bills and see if he can come to the second option as an agreement and any sole bills you pay yourselves? This is not including any of your DDs bills which should at the very least be halved.

lifeyouchose · 23/10/2019 13:37

Sounds like the only way to get a fairer split is to divorce him on the same terms and be the second XW

Amanduh · 23/10/2019 13:40

You are paying 50/50 bills and spending, you earn less, but he also pays £2k a month in maintenance so not like he is being very cheeky tbf. That said, his committments shouldnt put you at a disadvantage. If you pooled your money, say the total amount pooled was 6k, after bills etc you got 2k ‘us’ money each, his 2k would go in maintenance, he would have less money, that isn’t fair either.

You shouldn’t be paying 50/50 for bills though, he earns more and should pay more for your general living expenses. The second option sounds best

CalmdownJanet · 23/10/2019 13:41

But his 2k maintenance comes from your joint account that you contribute 50% to, is that right?

Rainycloudyday · 23/10/2019 13:44

He really saw you coming OP. Time to get angry, you’re being utterly mugged. Doesn’t seem like he sees you as a family, counting every penny.

WhiteCat1704 · 23/10/2019 13:48

Option 2. You pay in to the joint proportionally to earnings but his maintenance is separate from that i.e not included in the joint account.

He should 100% plan to pay the same for education for ALL his children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/10/2019 13:49

He’s taking the absolute piss. Big changes needed today.

Applesanbananas · 23/10/2019 13:55

Is he going to ask the ex for her 50% for the private education as well.?

Seems as though he is putting his 'first family' as his priority.

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 13:58

Sorry to be clear we each have separate accounts and put 3K each in a joint account which all our bills come off. He pays maintenance our of his account.

OP posts:

AmIThough · 23/10/2019 13:58

What's your salary difference after he takes out maintenance?

I think you should make a list of both of your incomings and outgoings and make sure you're having equal spare money each month.

You're a couple - why is he determined for everything to be separate?

You'd be better off leaving him, letting him give you £1000 a month and have LO half the time and pay for her full school fees when the time comes!

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 13:58

@Applesanbananas you are voicing my biggest concern...

OP posts:

AmIThough · 23/10/2019 13:59

Sorry you're working part time and taking home 3k a month? In that case stop being ridiculous.

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 14:01

@Amanduh exactly, also I want to work PT so if we were to do that option I would be happy with less 'us' money. So 2k to me 2.5k to him

OP posts:

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 14:03

@AmIThough why does the amount matter?

OP posts:

AmIThough · 23/10/2019 14:05

@fairsplit because you've said after outgoings you can't afford to save anything when you have 6k between two of you to pay your bills which is obviously just not true

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 14:05

No I said I couldn’t afford to save 10k a year in school fees

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 23/10/2019 14:06

God yet another financial thread showing exactly how awful some people can be with their partners surrounding money. You share a marriage and a child yet you contribute more proportionally anf he sees his inheritance as "his" only. I will say what I always say, how can any decent person be happy knowing there is a such an imbalance with their partner?

sofato5miles · 23/10/2019 14:11

Ugh. What a self centered, financially grabbing prick. He us taking the piss

Runningsmooth · 23/10/2019 14:13

I think in this case it would be best to keep everything separate and pay all bills on a proportional to earnings basis after his maintenance payments have been paid. So if he has 67 % of combined money after paying for his first children he should pay two thirds of all bills including your DD's private education.

I think it is good that he is paying for his children. He is their father and they are his responsibility. That moral responsibility doesn't end because legally he may be able to get away with paying less or because he had another child.

EL8888 · 23/10/2019 14:13

I personally don’t think how much you earn is relevant. I think all children should be treated equally and that you should both pay the same % of your salaries for joint family use e.g. mortgage, utilities, school fees etc. I’m sure he doesn’t mind you doing extra childcare and household stuff on the days you are not at work!!

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