How to split money- Blended Families

[fairsplit]

Hi ladies. Putting on my hard hat, as I know I am likely to get some abuse but I need some advice. NC for this.

DP has DSS (11) and DSS (9) who live with us 50% of the time. We have DD (almost 2).

Long story, but the way we are currently working our finances isn't working. We each pay 50/50 into all bills even though 1) I work PT and take care of our daughter and 2) he earns around 35% more than me and finally 3) our joint account covers everything for DSS including birthday and xmas presents. DP also pays over 2k pm in maintenance.

Now I have been ok with this up until now, but DP is due to potentially come into some money and made it clear it is 'his' not 'ours'. This money was to pay for the kids (all) private education. Apparently I should be paying 1/2 of her education but currently I can't save paying 50% for everything being on a lower salary and being PT.

Needless to say I am not happy with this as I financially carry an equal load.

I want to look at a way to re-split our financial agreements. These are are the options I have come up with. I am open to any other options too so how do you split your finances?

Option 1
pool all our money and then take equal 'us money' to our account. He would cover his maintenance out of his us money

Option 2
We both pay proportionally into our joint account based on earnings, so for every £1 he pays I pay 66p

Option 3
Leave 50/50 but I recoup the cost of childcare for the days I provide childcare free of charge.

Are there other options? What is fair??

And I overreacting? AIBU to want to change it?

To me. He should be paying for 2.5 people every month:
Him
2 SC who are there 50% of the time so make up 1 person 100% of the time.
50% of your shared child.

You should be paying for 1.5 people:
You
50% of your shared child.

This is the money that should come out of the joint account and covers food, bills and rent/mortgage at a minimum + household luxuries like wifi and tv packages.
Say this comes to £2000. He will pay £1250 and you'll pay £750.

The money for maintenance and gifts for his children should come out of his account. School fees should be 50/50 between co-parents so if you agree it is a must for yours, split the fees. I personally wouldn't send 1 of my kids without the other(s) outside of exceptional circumstances but that's up to him if he wants to carry the load for your shared child if you can't give half. As I said, I would if I sent the others.

OP, he's certainly not a bad negotiator !

He is completely taking the piss.

It may not matter now, but eventually the penny will drop with you, that someone who is clearly looking after half his family, at the expense, (literally) of his second family, cannot love you as much as you think.

Unbelievable, that you, and not his ex wife will be contributing to his children's private education.

It sounds like you are paying for his first wife's lifestyle, whilst you work and care for 3 children.

What is she doing whilst the children are with you?

Do you plan on having more children?.

You need to give your head a shake.

Good luck💐

Oof. I’m not married to my DP, and we used to be 50/50 everything (he has 3 DCs, roughly 20% with us, I have no DCs, his gross earnings are more than double mine). I don’t know what it was, but recently I hit the last straw and after a Big Talk we changed the set up a bit (to commence shortly, anyway...)

Now, we pay into a joint account an amount equal to:
mortgage payments 50/50
All groceries 40/60
All other utilities 40/60

The mortgage is so that I don’t have smaller share of the house than him.

Birthdays and Xmas - he now has to fund all those gifts, I add either an amount of my choice or I get them a different gift

Holiday - yet to be agreed!!! This is the one still making me the most cross.

The business sale thing would have me upset. Do you talk openly with each other often? Tell him how it makes you feel?

Even with no DCs, I do think couples should be contributing reflecting their earnings. Wish I could go back in time and tell young-me that.

Blimey, how much are your bills if you have to put 3k each a month into them?! Not the point of the thread I know. YANBU to renegotiate, he should definitely pay more than you. As it is you are paying for half his kids food etc when they are with you, total piss take.

@Catforaheadrest I actually really like your suggestion! You’re right about ownership of you house. I think I might use that suggestion!

@yearinyearout yeah it sounds crazy but we live in zone 1 London so our mortgage is biggg so that gets eaten into quickly plus our nursery’s is £97 a day

Has he got a sealed finalised consent order with a clean break on his divorce> I ask just in case the ex wife now could come after the company shares. If he does not pay her maintenance, had a cour order when he divorced which did not even have nomainl spousal maintenance and was a clean break then she has no claims. however I want to be certain of that.

On the question of whether people share in marriage - we did for 20 years and both had a smilar view of money. To start with we earned the same, both always worked full time and only ever had joint accounts so it was one of those everything shared marriages, no secrets either, both opened each others post, i did our tax returns etc.
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I can see that a marriage howeve rto someone who already has 2 children and people are older ss likely to be different. In our case if we received a largish lump sum it was always ours - however we had no disagreements on money and wanted the same thing - to pay off mortgage debt as soon as possible and to pay school fees so any biggish lump sums that came in went for that (although we did pay school fees out of income).

I don't think any of these are fair. You should put everything together, then take out everything that is a bill. Maintenance is a bill.

Then divide the rest in two. You both pay for your dd, he pays whatever he wants in addition to maintenance, what he gets in inheritance is his, what you get (or whatever you win) is yours.

Here’s what I would do.

Start saving, you might be happy now but if this doesn’t get sorted you need an exit plan.
Tell your husband he can either pool all family resources more effectively or you’ll leave with an expectation you be treated the same as EW.
I’d suggest both wages get paid into the same account to cover all household expenses (including maintenance.) Then you both get an equal amount of spending money. Anything left over would go to savings.
Absolutely he needs to provide for all his children to the same standard. If he is paying for for the step kids to go to private school, he needs to plan on spending the same amount on the youngest ones education.
When one or other of us receive a large amount of money (for whatever reason) it becomes family money. We decide together how best to spend/save it.