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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to split money- Blended Families

58 replies

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 12:58

Hi ladies. Putting on my hard hat, as I know I am likely to get some abuse but I need some advice. NC for this.

DP has DSS (11) and DSS (9) who live with us 50% of the time. We have DD (almost 2).

Long story, but the way we are currently working our finances isn't working. We each pay 50/50 into all bills even though 1) I work PT and take care of our daughter and 2) he earns around 35% more than me and finally 3) our joint account covers everything for DSS including birthday and xmas presents. DP also pays over 2k pm in maintenance.

Now I have been ok with this up until now, but DP is due to potentially come into some money and made it clear it is 'his' not 'ours'. This money was to pay for the kids (all) private education. Apparently I should be paying 1/2 of her education but currently I can't save paying 50% for everything being on a lower salary and being PT.

Needless to say I am not happy with this as I financially carry an equal load.

I want to look at a way to re-split our financial agreements. These are are the options I have come up with. I am open to any other options too so how do you split your finances?

Option 1
pool all our money and then take equal 'us money' to our account. He would cover his maintenance out of his us money

Option 2
We both pay proportionally into our joint account based on earnings, so for every £1 he pays I pay 66p

Option 3
Leave 50/50 but I recoup the cost of childcare for the days I provide childcare free of charge.

Are there other options? What is fair??

And I overreacting? AIBU to want to change it?

OP posts:

Applesanbananas · 23/10/2019 14:23

If she isnt going to pay a penny then why should you? And he has them 50/50 so it's not like he is doing this out of guilt either.
its funny how he is terrible at negotiations yet quite confident to tell you what to do op.

I wouldn't stand for this. You might be better off on your own with your Dd. Why is the maintenance money coming out of the joint account, the one you are contributing to?

So you are meant to fund his maintenance and your dd education yet his ex sits pretty.
It's clear that he is prioritizing her over you.

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 14:24

@Runningsmooth can I ask why it should be proportional after maintenance has been paid?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2019 14:27

So he’ll pay for schooling for kids with his ex and you have to pay half for schooling for your child together? And pay for his kids bills? Sounds like an expensive relationship for you to be in.

You have forgotten stage 1 Op. you’ve paid £x for his kids, he can pay it back. I can’t believe you’ve been paying equally to contribute to his kids while earning less. He really saw you coming.

You are thinking of options but you need to start with premises. If he pays maintenance and then you calculate bills proportionately then you are contributing not only to the costs of his kids bills but also to his maintenance.

Premise 1: I don’t trust you financially anymore. You are happy to profit off me and you won’t support our child together the way you are supporting your older children.

Premise 2: I will contribute nothing to maintenance. That all comes out of your income. (Lucky you’ve got this inheritance coming which is all yours.)

Premise 3: given you’ve been taking me for a sucker, I don’t contribute to your kids bills either. You’ve been taking money off me to pay them.

Now, you need to ignore maintenance, and work out a split. I’d go equal % if income not taking into account any step child specific fees such as childcare , clubs etc. Obviously house allows for everyone but honestly it would feel too mean to not just split the house % wise. It’s not the kids fault he’s been a dick and you can always start paying equally again later if he turns into a better partner.

Even if you are reconsidering the relationship you should do all this immediately as in that case you will need the money even more.

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2019 14:29

And I hope it’s clear now why maintenance is before the split. It’s because it’s on him not you and you’re not a team financially.

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 14:37

To be clear the windfall isn't inheritance, its the buy our of his company. A bit of a sore point (and the reason why this started) is because I would assume as it was built up during our relationship and I have been here, on hand, doing school runs, also giving him advice and when they finally came ready to sell prepped the P&L and found 2 out of the 3 buyers that this would be truly ours. Apparently not.
This is actually why I am cross.

OP posts:

Thehop · 23/10/2019 14:42

He’s shown his true colours.

Divorce him and take your share

Or at least remind him what it would cost him if you did.

Also add up the cleaning/cooking/ Childcare/admin hours you do that he would be responsible for should you split.

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2019 14:43

Oh my goodness. I’d be furious. I’d be getting a divorce.

timeisnotaline · 23/10/2019 14:44

‘Lose’ some key papers? The only reason you would know where they are and the soft copies is because you’ve been so involved.

Barbarara · 23/10/2019 14:49

I think you’re coming at this the wrong way round. Start by looking at your pensions, then long term savings, then educating-the-dc money. He should deduct maintenance and education of his dc. What’s left then needs to cover bills and leisure spending. If necessary you may need to find ways to reduce bills and day to day expenditure.

There needs to be acknowledgement of the provision of childcare. If you’re earning less but contributing childcare you cannot reasonably be expected to also pay equally to the joint pot.

But always, always start with your pension.

WWlOOlWW · 23/10/2019 14:55

Why is he paying any maintenance of you both have the children 50% of the time?

That aside, this is an awful way to split money in a blended family. You should be showing him this thread.

I'd be splitting house hold costs according to wages, after his maintenance has been paid.

If he wants all three of his children to go to private school.. his ex and he should be paying half each for their two and you and him pay half each for yours.

If he won't budge from the current arrangement .. give him an invoice for the days that you look after your child.

ArnoldBee · 23/10/2019 15:00

So would you be better off getting £1k in maintenance and him paying school fees for your DD?

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 15:07

Divorce isn't an option and we're definitely not at that stage. We are actually incredibly happy. And you know what, yes I am cross but I am not furious.
I might show him so of this thread as he can't see it from my point of view.
Also I don't get particularly emotional over money and it isn't that important to me (hence the situation being like this for so long)

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 23/10/2019 15:10

If he has enough money to pay maintenance himself, pay proportionately to your bills and DD and then his own expenses then I think that is the best way forward. DH doesn't earn particularly well as I wanted a baby and chose to go PT I pay 50% of our bills and most things for DD. I do however, leave DHs maintenance just for him but acknowledge that unless I pulled my weight financially (as well as doing the childcare for DD and housework) we just couldn't afford to live. There was some resentment in our marriage so I have stepped back from funding anything for DSS because he has 2 loving parents, GPs etc who would be better placed to purchase things for him. Make sure you dont become the default for sucking up extras for DH because he doesn't want to negotiate with his ex and its easier to guilt you.

ColaFreezePop · 23/10/2019 15:10

Tell him he pays for all 3 of the children's private education.

Then you agree to split the rest of the money how you like. Personally I wouldn't do 50/50 but according to your earnings.

ArnoldBee · 23/10/2019 15:11

I thought these things too once however 10 years later I've had to draw boundaries as things were getting ridiculous.

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 15:12

Thanks @blackcat86 what would you guys do if your husband got 100K- would he share it with you? Just out of interest...

OP posts:

Parrish · 23/10/2019 15:15

This will fester. Sort it now. Or you’ll be another woman financially screwed...

Dissimilitude · 23/10/2019 15:16

I'm still reeling at the 2k a month in maintenance when the ex only has the kids 50% of the time.

blackcat86 · 23/10/2019 15:19

That's an interesting one. At the moment I make £19k (working 3 days) and DH makes £22k so things are pretty even especially when I factor in DHs maintenance. If he was on £100k DHs preference would probably be for me to give up work and take on all household and childcare, and for him to pay for everything. I would personally be expecting a bit more generosity but that would be on the premise that he was earning 5 times what I do. If I was also a good earner then I suspect we would make a deal on who pays for what bills. I would always make him solely responsible for DSS due to previous issues.

notmonday · 23/10/2019 15:20

2 things here for me:

Shared Finances (yes/no): If you both want to go shared finances, then I think you pool you money. Then all bills, maintenance, presents for all kids come out and you both split what remains between the 2 of you. If not maybe it is the current deal plus potentially he needs to give you something for childcare (although if it purely your preference it could be debatable). You cant get an equal share of pooled money and expect his extra commitments (maintenance, step kids cost) to then only come out of his share , you would either be shared finances (and obligations) or not.

Company Sale/Lump Sum: I think this relates the shared finances too. If you are, then it goes in the 'pool'. If not, its would be his, however how he would expect you to suddenly pay 50% of private school fees who knows .

For me when you get married, have kids etc, you share finances. However I know people, often who have been divorced, that don't want to, as have been 'burnt' by this before. You need to have a chat about whether you should completely share finances, or its continuing similarly to how you are now. Clearly private school would then be a discussion both of you would need to agree to.

blackcat86 · 23/10/2019 15:21

Sorry I've just realised the £100k is for selling the business not a salary. We have separate finances so I expect he would want to buy himself an expensive motorbike or something but I would personally be expecting some to benefit us jointly so maybe a house deposit, holiday etc.. I would be mega pissed if he chose to pay for private school for DSS out of it and didnt leave enough for DD.

Babyroobs · 23/10/2019 15:27

Why on earth is he paying 2k maintainence when he has them 50% of the time ??

Motherlandismylife · 23/10/2019 15:31

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Supersimkin2 · 23/10/2019 15:33

Does he want to kick off another business? That could be a big earner too. Time to set things straight before it does.

I'd be livid if I advised on an exit like his and got £0 back. That's not on. A broker or a bank would have taken a high percentage, and you both know it.

As for the DC, you're supporting them all at the mo. If you're ok with that, fine. But DH can't expect you to house and feed his children and then say you're not a family unit/he's keeping all his money for himself (and his first 2 DC).

Presumably Wife 1 will have to get a job at some stage. You can always negotiate the 2k a month back down - who owns the house she lives in?

Original poster

fairsplit · 23/10/2019 15:40

@Motherlandismylife thanks for responding and I appreciate your life advice. One thing I won't do is ask for him to negotiate his maintenance. And I agree about the festering, I need to deal with it now.

@supersimkin she does work and honestly I harbour no ill will towards her on this. She is simply doing what she thinks is best for her DC.
She owns her house (with mortgage) and we own ours (also with a mortgage)

I still don't know what I ideally want or what I think it fair.

OP posts:

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