To feel like the only person in the world to end a marriage after less than a year?

[costtete]

I got married this year but it was a big mistake. I've been having a tough time recently and he's been completely unsupportive and just not the person I thought he was, he's only happy if I am putting him at the centre of everything and not focussing on other things in my life, he sulks otherwise and it's just become a horrible environment. He now wants to split up too. I feel so embarrassed and upset at this mistake and like the only person who has split up a few months after the wedding. Anyone been through the same?

[harriethoyle]

I made it a bit more than a year but honestly, knew for the last 9 months that it was doomed. It happens - please don't be embarrassed. Just extricate yourself with the minimum of pain possible and move on; i am now so much happier than when I was with exH and actually, we've salvaged a friendship of sorts which is nice. Best of luck.

[Musicalmistress]

8 months married after over 10 years together. Ultimately we’re both much happier & better parents apart. 💐

[insanepizza]

I am 40 ish, I have a number of friends who had marriages that didn't work out pretty quickly. I have so much admiration for those who admit a mistake rather than trundle on. For what it's worth all those people have gone on to marry again and have very successful marriages.@costtete be brave, hold your head up high, I admire you and your real friends will support you.

[EdersonsSmileyTattoo]

My BF has ended both of her marriages within three months of getting married.

No judgement from me, life is too short to be unhappy.

[ThatsMyAddress]

My marriage lasted a month at best. I was divorced at 22.

Do what's best for you, im so glad i'm not with him now and he has a beautiful family that's far better suited to him

[costtete]

I've confided in my close friends and family about how difficult things have been and how they haven't felt right, and they've been really supportive. It sounds silly but it's more the colleagues and people I don't see very often it feels awkward telling, because I wouldn't divulge the personal ins and outs of what has happened if that makes sense. Think I just need to try and get out of that headspace

[CantstandmLMs]

I think you are brave and I have a lot of respect for someone who knows they've made a mistake and they don't want to waste anymore time on it.

The amount of people I know who I think clearly think they've made the same mistake but won't leave because of the "shame" ...

[Calic0]

My DH walked out on me almost a year to the day after we got married. The truth was, he’d had doubts beforehand but went through with the ceremony because...well, I begged him to and when it came down to it, we didn’t want to admit to everyone that it was a mistake.

We separated for a year and went to relationship counselling (while living apart). That helped us reconnect and, ultimately, we got back together. But the thing is, we did so because we wanted to, not because a marriage certificate told us we had to be together.

Nothing, no ceremony, no thought of short term embarrassment, is worth living in misery.

[RhinoskinhaveI]

It seems that most who encounter this situation don't leave for fear of judgement from others, I'd venture that this is what creates the illusion that a marriage which fails early is a rarity to feel bad about!
The truth is it's very common, just not common knowledge!

[leomama81]

I left after two months. Should have ended it before the wedding but couldn't bring myself to, also some stuff happened literally two days before the wedding but I just couldn't cope with making the decision so quickly. It was very clear afterwards that I had made a mistake - for a start the wedding photos arrived and i couldn't even look at them!

Honestly, the fear of how people will react/ embarrassment etc is so much worse than the reality. It was hard emotionally of course, but I had nothing but support from my friends and family. No one judged me at all, at least no one close to me who actually knew the situation. People thought I was brave if anything.

I don't regret it at all, it was 100 percent the right thing to do and as PPs have said much easier to do earlier rather than later.

[leomama81]

‘the people who matter don’t mind and the people who mind don’t matter’

So true

[Mummaofmytribe]

My OH left his first wife after two months. Cue shock, horror, but nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.
All forgotten now.
He and I have now been married over 20 years, so when it's right, it sticks.
This isn't right for you.
Get out now and you will be so relieved.

[leomama81]

It sounds silly but it's more the colleagues and people I don't see very often it feels awkward telling

I completely get that. In my experience if you just say oh it didn't work out people drop it pretty fast. Sometimes they say "oh I'm sorry" and I say don't worry, I'm not, or something along those lines and that is pretty much it.

for you, it is tough but I promise you it will be fine and as a PP said before too long it'll just be a closed chapter in your life. Well done for being strong.

[SteelRiver]

My friend separated from her husband less than 3 months after their wedding. She had similar feelings to those you've described about making a mistake and being embarrassed. I know she found it tough telling people etc but noone judged her or laughed etc. People were more concerned that she was coping well and wanted to support her any way they could. I think anyone trying to make you feel bad about your situation would be nasty and not worthy of your friendship.

[Nat6999]

I knew I had made a mistake 3 months after I got married, don't be like me & stick it out for 9 years, you will end up miserable. It's like ripping a plaster off, the quicker you do it, the less it hurts.

[WagtailRobin]

It's ALWAYS better in my opinion to endure some short term embarrassment than to stay in an unfulfilled/unhappy relationship. You married, it hasn't worked, walk away. There's no shame in making a mistake!

[Tellmetruth4]

My friend had doubts before the wedding but went through with it to save face. She’s now been married 18 years with DC, is miserable and won’t leave because she thinks she’s too old to start again.

You’re making the right decision.

[RoseGoldEagle]

My cousin and husband split up about six months after their wedding. Everyone’s reaction was- a bit of shock because they’d been together so long, a bit of sympathy, and then to be honest people just forgot about it. I can actually completely see how it can happen. She met someone else a year later, and 5ish years down the line seems really happy (actually she seems like a different person). I think knowing you’ve made a mistake is probably more common than people think- I admire people who actually do something about it, rather than just limp along unhappily and worse, bring kids into that set up.

[Creepster]

Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Google it and you will find that there are an astonishing number of people who bravely said oopsie after a few days.
You are not obligated to explain anything.

[readingismycardio]

My friend and her husband got divorced after 2 weeks. They didn't even get the wedding photos. Don't be afraid. If this is how you feel,'go for it.

[Durgasarrow]

OP, don't fall for the "sunk costs" fallacy. There's no use throwing any more money, energy, shame, or anything that costs you a moment's suffering at something or someone who is not worth it. You are a smart woman to realize that this isn't going to work. People will be proud of you and impressed with you for taking out the trash and getting rid of this loser. I'm already proud of you for not being beaten down by this jerk and knowing that you're worth more than he is offering. Good for you!

[costtete]

Thanks everyone for the support.

So it's over now, and turns out he thinks it's for the best too, although he actually text me to say he thinks we should end it whilst I was waiting to have the conversation later this week when I get back from being away

It hurts right now, I feel very sad, and it's hard not to suddenly panic, but in my heart I know this is the right thing to do and I really hope I look back on this as just a difficult chapter in my life.

Thank you to everyone who has said such supportive things x

[dottiedodah]

I think you have done the right thing here TBH. Quite a lot of people realise they may have made a mistake quite early on ,and I think you are sensible .You are only in your late 20s so much too young to be miserable ! I really dont think anyone would judge you and anyway its none of their business anyway !

[crazypeppermint]

@costtete

I'm in my twenties and my divorce will be finalised soon, I was married for 8 weeks before we split. At the time I was very embarrassed, people I hadn't seen for a while would congratulate me having no idea that we had split. But now I realise that I don't really care what people think because they were not in my marriage so could have no idea how bad it was for me.

It was an odd feeling reading your reasoning as to why you married soon, it's nearly identical to my own. After I found out my dad was terminally ill I couldn't imagine my day without him there, I wanted a long engagement but the wedding was brought forward because of the circumstances. I saw a side to my ex that I didn't like at all but because my family loved him I felt trapped and didn't want to let everyone down.

But honestly I don't have a single regret about ending it and I'm not ashamed anymore. For myself I felt better that I was ending it sooner rather than spending years in a marriage I knew I couldn't be happy in. But don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed about it, there will be a time in the future when you look back and are thankful that it came to an end.

[costtete]

Thanks so much @crazypeppermint

Wow, those feelings about family loving him are exactly the same, that's how I felt, after I found out about my mum I just felt so panicked in my grief about her not being there for my wedding day it seemed the right idea at the time. But it was so clear after it was a mistake and we are totally different people, I'd have always had to compromise myself and what I want for him and we'd grow to be resentful of each other.

I'm so pleased you are happier now, I know it'll take time for me but this is the right thing to do I need to keep telling myself this. Definitely young enough to pick myself and start again. I just keep feeling badly about the money people spent etc but hopefully those regretful feelings with fade in time