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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Genuinely confused my dh reaction - AIBU?

97 replies

MissBax · 22/10/2019 09:44

So just for a very quick background, been together 7 years, have a 2 year old dd.

I don't go out drinking with mates that often as I'm on the wrong side of 30,work full time with a toddler and usually prefer an early night with a book. Not that it's relevant to be fair but just felt the need to chuck that in there.

Went to a comedy night with 'BFF' last night, and neither of us are working today so decided to stay out and have a few drinks when it finished. We don't catch up often as we live in different cities so we got a bit carried away and I stumbled in about 4am. Dh is working today and I'm up with dd (so we know who the real loser is in this situation). Anyhoo, I digress.

I text dh as we arrived to a bar at about 11:30 and just said we've decided to come for a drink, not to wait up, and to sleep well etc. Then text again about 1am just to say we're still out (assuming of course he'd be asleep but that if he woke up he'd be reassured to my whereabouts). He didn't reply obviously.

Then this morning he has text me from work saying how I'm thoughtless, inconsiderate, one message even said it feels like I 'don't care about him much' which I'm very confused about. He's generally very laid back, and it's not like I go out on a late one often at all, although even if I did - so?!

I don't know whether I'm being hangover blind or whether I am genuinely BU or he is, but are we now expected to update each other hourly (despite the fact one of us is asleep)?! I'm so lost as to what I've done wrong.

I gave dd dinner last night before I went out, and I'm the one up with her today, it's affected approximately zero of his evening or morning and yet I'm being made to feel I've committed a sin? I've said I'm confused about his reaction, to which he replied that 'you'd be fuming if it was the other way round' - can't for the life of me decipher why though.

So AIBU? Is he? Are we both? Help a sister out!

OP posts:

drinkygin · 22/10/2019 12:13

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You’re a grown woman and entitled to a night out as you feel like. He is presumably more than capable of caring for his own child for an evening!

notmonday · 22/10/2019 12:17

I normally wake up often during the night (since kids!). If I know my wife is out 'late 'late' or she said around 3/4 ish then I am not worried and generally get back to sleep quickly. If it don't know or she out later than I thought she was going to be, there a subconscious thing were I keep waking up and by the time she has got in I have had barely any sleep.

Now that's not her fault, but I do ask if she is going to be later than planned to try and text. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't remember as having a good night out. That's fine, but it means sometime I am more tired in the morning that planned (and maybe grumpy! ). I expect it is something like this, especially as its not a regular thing, and therefore not used to it.

He should realise he is just being grumpy and a bit tired, and that maybe he would prefer you to give him more info next time. But you cant keep texting all night....

Geneva1995 · 22/10/2019 12:24

YANBU you are entitled to enjoy yourself!! Maybe he was worried because it was so late and out of character for you? X

user1573334 · 22/10/2019 12:34

THIS is the difference between what you did and what loads of men quite deservedly get a roasting from Mumsnet for doing. That and the fact that those same men who say 'not staying out long' and then are uncontactable all night, are almost always repeat offenders. What you did is similar but very different. You kept him informed. You don't so this regularly. You are definitely not being unreasonable. I can only assume he thinks you don't deserve a night out or doesn't trust you, and that concerns me. How dare he make you feel so bad for ONE NIGHT.

Jaxhog · 22/10/2019 12:35

I think if DH didn’t get back from a night out until 4am and had last texted me at 1, I would be worried about him if I woke up at say 3 and he wasn’t back and there was no word from him.

Me too. So I think you were unreasonable to stay out knowing he had work the next day (mainly), and not to text him to say you were ok. At some point, when someone doesn't come home when expected, you start to worry about accidents, etc. If you don't normally stay out this late, this will be sooner. Did you wake him up when you came home?

user1573334 · 22/10/2019 12:45

But the OP said he didn't reply to either of her messages. If he woke up at 3 and was worried, he could have just tried to call her or message her. I ended up being stuck in worn for 3 hours the other day, meaning I was just leaving at 3am instead of 12. DH woke up and panicked and you know, rang me. Then went back to sleep.

Figgygal · 22/10/2019 12:53

Is he like that everytime you go out? why couldn't he sleep?

what does it matter if you got home at 2,3,6 if he was asleep he doesn't know what time you got in.

Nah you are allowed you time sometimes and to enjoy yourself as long as it doesn't impact on responsibilities the next day then there is no cause for complaint.

steff13 · 22/10/2019 12:58

My husband got mad at me for staying out super late once, but it was because it was out of character for me to be out that late, and he was concerned. When he explained I agreed that it was pretty inconsiderate.

phoenixrosehere · 22/10/2019 13:04

Yanbu.

You told him not to wait up leaving what time you’d get back open-ended. If he was awake or couldn’t sleep due to worry, he should/would have seen your text messages and could have messaged you if he was that concerned. He chose not to. Sounds like he had his own expectation on what time you would be back or wanted you to be back and when you didn’t meet it he became upset.

Glad you sorted it with him though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/10/2019 13:36

I'm glad he's worked it out and apologised for over-reacting.

I agree that he over-reacted - but there is quite a gap between 1am and 4am, so maybe he was genuinely worried about you.

If I was expecting DH home at 1 and he didn't get in til 4, I'd be worried from about 2am onwards - but I wouldn't get in quite such a strop about it!
The only time I got into a MEGA strop was when I was 38w pregnant and DH went out on a bender with his cousin - was only supposed to be out til 10 and got home at, I think, 3am. I was hopping mad because I couldn't sleep, and I was worried what the hell I would do if I went into labour while he was out drinking.
I asked him exactly what he thought I would do, when he got home, and he said "get my uncle to drive you" - so I said "and your uncle would have stayed with me in the delivery room too, would he??!" which made him realise he'd been a bit of a cockend. He didn't get drunk again until after DS1 was born.

But generally I only got riled when he'd call me at stupid o'clock to beg for a lift home. Nope.

NormaBean · 22/10/2019 13:44

Cranky due to no sleep and having a rubbish day - we’ve all been there.

If you texting and getting home did keep him up then it’s understandable he’s annoyed, if a little dramatic still, but perhaps he could make it up to you with a hangover takeaway this evening.

WagtailRobin · 22/10/2019 13:51

I suppose you could ask yourself "Would I be annoyed if he had stayed out until 4am?" And if the answer is NO, then no you are not being unreasonable at all, it is him who is being a dick.

I don't see why you can't go out, you're an adult, your child was being cared for by her father, you had no work today, you don't go out often, etc.

Cohle · 22/10/2019 14:46

I'd be genuinely worried if my DH wasn't home until 4am on a Monday night having gone out for a quick drink with a mate.

He is probably concerned about both your safety and what exactly you were doing that late at night on a Monday.

lazylinguist · 22/10/2019 14:53

If a woman posted and said 'Dh went for a rare night out with mates and came home a bit drunk at 4a.m., having texted me beforehand saying he'd be out late so don't wait up. AIBU to be furious?', the replies would quite rightly be 'YABU, what is there to be furious about? He's an adult, he does this very rarely and he let you know he'd be late'.

Rainonmyguitar · 22/10/2019 15:04

I'd be raging if you were my other half.
If he told me he was going to a comedy night with a friend and then didn't tell in until 4am, I would be worried sick and pissed off

It must be shite living your life like this. Never being able to make spontaneous decisions with your friends because you'll get it in the neck from your other half prison warden.

OP you did nothing wrong, don't apologise to him. When either I or my DP go out, we don't give times or curfews. If it's going to be a late one, we may send a text so the other doesn't worry. Don't let you ex away with guilting you over this.

LostBunney · 22/10/2019 15:12

The comprehension skills of MNetters have drastically declined over the past few months.

SinkGirl · 22/10/2019 15:21

It must be shite living your life like this. Never being able to make spontaneous decisions with your friends because you'll get it in the neck from your other half prison warden.

🙄

DH and I are considerate of each other. So if one is home with the kids, the other wouldn’t stay out until 4am without letting the other know. And to be honest I would ask him if it was okay, as he would me.

What I wouldn’t do is say I was going for a drink at 11:30pm if I meant I was going to stay out until 4am, and if DH did that I’d be pissed off. I’d just say “we’ve decided to make a night of it so I may be really late - if everything’s okay at home is that alright with you?”.

He’s not my prison warden, he’s my husband and co-parent. It’s called being courteous.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 22/10/2019 15:25

Theres nothing shite about living a life where your spouse and you are considerate to each other.

It's being considerate and thoughtful that makes for a long lasting, happy relationship.

Rainonmyguitar · 22/10/2019 15:41

Yeah that's not what happened here though is it? OP text her husband twice to let him know what was happening, as would most people I imagine.

Once again, that's not what's happened. I would never ever ask my husbands permission to stay out either, and I would be horrified if he asked my permission. If I chose to stay out later than ancticipated, I'd text him to let him know. He's an adult and if he needs me or something is wrong, he's capable or contacting me and vice versa.

Rainonmyguitar · 22/10/2019 15:44

Theres nothing shite about living a life where your spouse and you are considerate to each other

It's being considerate and thoughtful that makes for a long lasting, happy relationship

Yes it is and part of that is not treating your partner like a child needing a curfew. Going out and going AWOL is a far cry from extending your night for a few hours and keeping your partner updated with what's happening as is the case here.

drinkygin · 22/10/2019 23:03

@rainonmyguitar couldn’t agree more. I’m aghast at some people’s relationships here. Couldn’t handle being treated like a child or controlled.

BuffaloBiff · 22/10/2019 23:14

I guess a lot of people are younger than me as when I first started going out mobile phones were uncommon and you got in when you got in!

This need for constant contact appears to lead to unnecessary stress!

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