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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely confused my dh reaction - AIBU?

97 replies

MissBax · 22/10/2019 09:44

So just for a very quick background, been together 7 years, have a 2 year old dd.

I don't go out drinking with mates that often as I'm on the wrong side of 30,work full time with a toddler and usually prefer an early night with a book. Not that it's relevant to be fair but just felt the need to chuck that in there.

Went to a comedy night with 'BFF' last night, and neither of us are working today so decided to stay out and have a few drinks when it finished. We don't catch up often as we live in different cities so we got a bit carried away and I stumbled in about 4am. Dh is working today and I'm up with dd (so we know who the real loser is in this situation). Anyhoo, I digress.

I text dh as we arrived to a bar at about 11:30 and just said we've decided to come for a drink, not to wait up, and to sleep well etc. Then text again about 1am just to say we're still out (assuming of course he'd be asleep but that if he woke up he'd be reassured to my whereabouts). He didn't reply obviously.

Then this morning he has text me from work saying how I'm thoughtless, inconsiderate, one message even said it feels like I 'don't care about him much' which I'm very confused about. He's generally very laid back, and it's not like I go out on a late one often at all, although even if I did - so?!

I don't know whether I'm being hangover blind or whether I am genuinely BU or he is, but are we now expected to update each other hourly (despite the fact one of us is asleep)?! I'm so lost as to what I've done wrong.

I gave dd dinner last night before I went out, and I'm the one up with her today, it's affected approximately zero of his evening or morning and yet I'm being made to feel I've committed a sin? I've said I'm confused about his reaction, to which he replied that 'you'd be fuming if it was the other way round' - can't for the life of me decipher why though.

So AIBU? Is he? Are we both? Help a sister out!

OP posts:
spacepoodle · 22/10/2019 11:17

The threads about men coming in at 4am usually also involve no/minimal communication about their whereabouts and the inability or refusal to get up and take responsibility for their children in the morning. Plus it's rarely a one off. That's the difference here.

NearlyGranny · 22/10/2019 11:19

YANBU at all. You had a lovely time catching up, he knew you were going, where and with whom and you updated him so he knew not to worry. You switched to water so as not to be helplessly drunk and with an eye to childcare responsibilities in the morning.

Try to get him to articulate exactly why you going out for a night made him feel you don't care about him. It will probably sound ridiculous to him even as he tries to express it.

You never gave him a 'back by' time (hint: don't, ever!) and told him not to wait up.

Unless he's operating on the old double standard, or is a controlling abuser, he has no gripe. Leave him of he is either, though, they don't improve.

So is he saying you never get to go out with a friend, or he never gets to care for his child alone, or he gets to set your curfew, or...? Is he saying a loving, caring wife never leaves the house without her husband, or good mothers don't take a night off, or you personally are just not entitled to have a friend or have any fun?

See if any of these hit home.

If it were lovers and booze till 4am 3 times a week he'd have a right to gripe.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 11:20

@MissBax sounds like you two worked it out in a normal non hysterical LTB way then Grin

Billben · 22/10/2019 11:21

YANBU.
What does it matter what time you came home? You’ve kept him updated (so he can’t claim he was worried about you) and you stopped drinking alcohol at midnight. We’ve all had nights when we’ve had bugger all sleep due to kids keeping us awake but still managed to look after a toddler the next day. If it’s not a regular occurrence then I don’t see his issue to be honest.

user1494670108 · 22/10/2019 11:22

I've been on the other end, so I think yabu, once you wake up at say 2 and realise oh is not home, you don't sleep properly again and the night becomes very very long

Zebraaa · 22/10/2019 11:24

This is hilarious considering every weekend a woman posts saying her DP has been out all night and came home pissed at 4am and pretty much every reply is “selfish immature Dick - LTB!”

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 11:26

This is hilarious considering every weekend a woman posts saying her DP has been out all night and came home pissed at 4am and pretty much every reply is “selfish immature Dick - LTB!”

Are you sure about that? Only ones I've seen like that are ones where it's a regular thing

villamariavintrapp · 22/10/2019 11:31

I think the responses are more supportive because OP didn't get in drunk at 4 and stay in bed with a hangover, she got up and got on with looking after her kid. The frequent posts are about partners having a night out on fri/sat and writing off the rest of the weekend.

GabriellaMontez · 22/10/2019 11:33

The selfish immature dick ones usually involve a newborn, a c section, a toddler and a partner who's come home and pissed on the kitchen floor.

GabriellaMontez · 22/10/2019 11:34

And I'm cracking up at needing more that 3 hours sleep. Course we do but many of us survive on that for months or years.

Celebelly · 22/10/2019 11:35

I think if someone posted:

'My DP had his first night out in six months last night. He kept me updated with his plans, came home at 4 but then got up no problem at 7 to watch our child'

then the responses would be much the same

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 11:37

'My DP had his first night out in six months last night. He kept me updated with his plans, came home at 4 but then got up no problem at 7 to watch our child'

Exactly, it's a case by case thing for me, nothing to do with it being the man or the woman

Original poster
MissBax · 22/10/2019 11:41

The selfish immature dick ones usually involve a newborn, a c section, a toddler and a partner who's come home and pissed on the kitchen floor.

Haha this cracked me up!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 22/10/2019 11:46

Ask him why it was thoughtless. You text him at 1am, was he starting to panic at 4? I would, dh would have missed the last train etc.

dontgobaconmyheart · 22/10/2019 11:51

Unless there is more to it he sounds like he's being a bit of a dick- you're an adult Confused he's your DP not your dad and you weren't MIA or unfit to take your turn with the baby and it's not a habit. Maybe he just doesn't like having sole responsibility for your DC or doesn't think women/mothers should be out 'galivanting'Hmm.

I'd explain that I wouldn't be annoyed the other way around as a one off, don't appreciate him speaking for me, don't think it warrants character assassination and ask him to clarify what exactly is so out or order about it, other than the fact he just doesn't like it, because clearly he's made you feel shit. Seems an odd thing to start an argument over and cause bad feeling.

Butterflyone12e · 22/10/2019 11:52

I'm glad it's worked out OP. I do completely understand your DH position. He was just worried about you as this doesn't happen often and even I couldn't go out till 4am. I would naturally be worried where on earth they were at that time of night/day. Not thinking of cheating but just general safety.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 22/10/2019 11:55

It's like the fun police have turned up. As long as you don't moan about how shit you feel, I'd say it's fine. Make it a habit, not so fine.

I think he jealous!

walkintheparc · 22/10/2019 11:56

Sounds like just a bit of a mis-match of expectations, he didn't think it would be that kind of night, so the longer you were out, the more annoyed he got and he was just grouchy. Sounds like a nice resolution OP. Everyone has a grumpy, toys out the pram moment from time to time!

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 22/10/2019 11:57

Sorry missed your update. All's well.

SenselessUbiquity · 22/10/2019 11:57

I think if you don't do this a lot, you don't have conventions in your marriage about how to handle it if you do. He didn't sleep well, so if you do this again, make sure you know what reassurances he needs that you are ok and will be ok with your kid the next day. If that's all it is, then fine. Sniff around for any hints of controlling behaviour and nip that shit in the bud. but do offer to stay reasonably in touch etc.

I like hearing from my boyfriend when he is out and we don't even live together. I don't think he is a dickhead - it's entertaining to know what he's up to and it's fun to think he is having a good time. On the other hand, the number of texts we send each other would drive other people mad. We aren't controlling or checking up - mostly sending stuff we think would make the other person laugh. It's a convention we have - you need to find one that works for you.

Badtasteflump · 22/10/2019 11:58

If it's not the 'norm' for either of you to be out until 4, a message at 1 to say you were still out is not enough, imo. DH and I are usually in by about 1 at the latest if we have a night out separately, so if I was going to be much later than that, I would make it clear to him that I was ok in further texts, and he would do the same. If I had last heard from him at 1 then he still wasn't in by 4, I would be really worried - so if that's your situation, YABU.

midnightmisssuki · 22/10/2019 11:59

Jesus Christ. You’re an adult! One in a while as well! He’s an idiot. Sorry.

Badtasteflump · 22/10/2019 12:00

Sorry missed your update. I would always send a text just to save worry. Even if you think he'll probably be asleep, a quick text saying 'don't worry, I'm still ok' etc will be there for him to see if he wakes up at 3:30 and starts worrying.

SinkGirl · 22/10/2019 12:05

I text dh as we arrived to a bar at about 11:30 and just said we've decided to come for a drink

There’s your error. You said you’d gone for a drink at 11:30 and didn’t get home til 4. I wouldn’t be thrilled if DH did this either.

isayhitocats · 22/10/2019 12:08

YANBU, you are an adult. You can stay out as late as you want.