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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Genuinely confused my dh reaction - AIBU?

97 replies

MissBax · 22/10/2019 09:44

So just for a very quick background, been together 7 years, have a 2 year old dd.

I don't go out drinking with mates that often as I'm on the wrong side of 30,work full time with a toddler and usually prefer an early night with a book. Not that it's relevant to be fair but just felt the need to chuck that in there.

Went to a comedy night with 'BFF' last night, and neither of us are working today so decided to stay out and have a few drinks when it finished. We don't catch up often as we live in different cities so we got a bit carried away and I stumbled in about 4am. Dh is working today and I'm up with dd (so we know who the real loser is in this situation). Anyhoo, I digress.

I text dh as we arrived to a bar at about 11:30 and just said we've decided to come for a drink, not to wait up, and to sleep well etc. Then text again about 1am just to say we're still out (assuming of course he'd be asleep but that if he woke up he'd be reassured to my whereabouts). He didn't reply obviously.

Then this morning he has text me from work saying how I'm thoughtless, inconsiderate, one message even said it feels like I 'don't care about him much' which I'm very confused about. He's generally very laid back, and it's not like I go out on a late one often at all, although even if I did - so?!

I don't know whether I'm being hangover blind or whether I am genuinely BU or he is, but are we now expected to update each other hourly (despite the fact one of us is asleep)?! I'm so lost as to what I've done wrong.

I gave dd dinner last night before I went out, and I'm the one up with her today, it's affected approximately zero of his evening or morning and yet I'm being made to feel I've committed a sin? I've said I'm confused about his reaction, to which he replied that 'you'd be fuming if it was the other way round' - can't for the life of me decipher why though.

So AIBU? Is he? Are we both? Help a sister out!

OP posts:
chemicalelephant · 22/10/2019 10:30

I'd be annoyed if my partner did that. It's the expectation - if I'd known you were out until 4am to start with and we planned for that then it's fine. Texting at 1am with just "still out" means I have no idea when you'll be back, I'd be worried, unable to sleep properly, and concerned about your ability to look after the child properly the next day.

I also think if you're going out and leaving a parent alone with a child, it's only polite to ask if it's OK to stay out later than planned, rather than tell. He might have been having a shitty night with dd not sleeping and was counting down the minutes until you came home and could give him a break.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 22/10/2019 10:31

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. However he has work today, you have dc to look after.
Perhaps explore why he feels the way he does. How have you spoken to him when he’s had a night out in the past.
After my dh last night out it will be his last ever he slept walked around the house causing mayhem...... and woke with no memory of events, any chance you’ve done the same?

spacepoodle · 22/10/2019 10:32

You've done nothing wrong.

I think he's probably jealous that you were a) enjoying yourself without him, b) took the opportunity to go out (it doesn't sound like he does this much) and c) able to get up and function enough to look after your child.

To be honest it would be C that would be the most annoying for me Grin

fromdownwest · 22/10/2019 10:34

I do have to say, if the roles were reversed, and a man text at 1 am still out and rolled in at 4 am, there would be a list of divorce lawyers put forward on this post as he was obviously having an affair!

PepsiLola · 22/10/2019 10:34

You've done nothing wrong. Sounds like he's being a bit of a bellend on this one

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 10:36

I do have to say, if the roles were reversed, and a man text at 1 am still out and rolled in at 4 am, there would be a list of divorce lawyers put forward on this post as he was obviously having an affair!

Nah. My DH has gone out and come in late before, as have I, no issue as we don't do it very often

fishonabicycle · 22/10/2019 10:40

It's not a big deal. If he had woken up at 3 and been worried, he could have called.

Littletabbyocelot · 22/10/2019 10:41

If my DH came in at 4 there would be 2 reasons I'd get annoyed. 1. If he woke me. That's a really annoying time to wake up because you know you'll be getting up in a couple of hours and 2. Because if you're taking care of dc from say 7, 3 hours isn't enough.

Lweji · 22/10/2019 10:44

Because if you're taking care of dc from say 7, 3 hours isn't enough.

Except those days when they're ill and we have to do it with about as many hours anyway?

AutumnCrow · 22/10/2019 10:48

Did you wake him up when you 'stumbled in about 4am'?

LendAnEar · 22/10/2019 10:49

YABVU - If my DH came home pissed at 4am on a Monday night when I had work the next day I'd be fuming.

It's completely irresponsible of you to come stumbling home drunk at 4am when you gave a child to take care of early in the morning! You'd likely still be drunk Angry

LendAnEar · 22/10/2019 10:50

@Lweji There's a huge difference between being I'll which cant be helped and coming home drunk and taking care of a child whilst drunk.

underground76 · 22/10/2019 10:51

I guess if you don't go out that often and are usually in much earlier than that when you do go out, he was probably a bit confused/worried because it was out of character. I think if my DP went out for a few drinks with friends, texted me at 1am to say he was still out, and then didn't give me any further indication of when he thought he might be back or when he was on his way home, I might have been a bit miffed - not because I don't trust him, but because I'd have woken up at 3am and thought 'This isn't like DP at all... what if he's been mugged or hit by a car or fallen in the canal or [insert any number of other hideous accidents here]?'

I don't actually feel like either of you has been unreasonable. I can see why you felt your level of contact was fine and I can see why DP felt it wasn't.

Whattodoabout · 22/10/2019 10:52

I think this would be different if he was the one who had to get up with your DD today and look after her while you stayed in bed hungover or something. I can’t really see a big issue, his day/life hasn’t been affected in any way and you’re still up looking after DD.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/10/2019 10:54

I would be very concerned that my partner could actually look after our toddler if he had got in at four and then up at six with the toddler.

So I suspect that he is actually concerned about the practical situation that you are in today

GabsAlot · 22/10/2019 10:56

Myabe he was just worried your last text was 1 u didnt come in till 4 anything could have happened inbetween

GettingABitDesperateNow · 22/10/2019 10:56

Are you both the type to text hourly updates? If he wasnt replying I think it's a fair assumption from you that he was asleep.

If you dont live in a dangerous area and it didnt impact him around childcare eg having to go into work late because he had to get the kids ready in the morning, and he doesnt have any reason to be concerned about the toddlers safety eg you falling asleep today or driving while still under the influence then he is being unreasonable.

I would feel the same as you, it doesnt sound like you've done anything wrong, it sounds like he is a bit unsettled as it's a bit out of character for you but is taking it out on you instead of examining why

Giraffecantdanse · 22/10/2019 10:58

Maybe it's nothing to do with you being out! Is it his birthday? his mum's birthday? Your anniversary?

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 22/10/2019 11:02

I've currently got a thread going where DH rolled in at 6am drunk after a heavy night, and have had many offers of divorce lawyers. The difference here is that a) you don't have a history of alcohol abuse (that we know of), b) you kept him in the loop as to your plans and c) you weren't useless the following day. So I think he is being a bit UR tbh.

Actually - is this the sort of thing he'd do? Is he a heavy drinker, big on socialising etc? Because sometimes the same behaviour will come across very differently from different people. Mum who doesn't routinely stay out late/drink, stays out late and drinks = tolerant reaction. Dad who routinely stays out late/drinks, stays out late and drinks = gets a FFS reaction. Maybe he'd get stick for this behaviour for a reason.

Celebelly · 22/10/2019 11:04

I don't really get the posts about the lack of sleep. Women routinely look after children on fuck-all sleep. Some people survive on that amount of sleep for weeks and have to look after children. One day isn't really that big deal.

He sounds like a misery guts if it's a rare occurrence tbh.

BasicMadeira · 22/10/2019 11:04

YANBU an occasional big night out that was not planned can be the best ones! Hopefully when he is home from work the bad humor will have blown over.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 22/10/2019 11:08

I'd be raging if you were my other half.
If he told me he was going to a comedy night with a friend and then didn't tell in until 4am, I would be worried sick and pissed off.
If I had work the next day and he was supposed to be looking after out toddler, I'd be even more cross.
Yabu.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/10/2019 11:11

I don't really get the posts about the lack of sleep. Women routinely look after children on fuck-all sleep. Some people survive on that amount of sleep for weeks and have to look after children. One day isn't really that big deal.

He sounds like a misery guts if it's a rare occurrence tbh.

It's just the drink Police

Wonkybanana · 22/10/2019 11:16

When a man stays out late with no prior discussion, a point that posters often make is that he feels he can do as he likes while forcing the woman into the position of default carer.

Maybe he didn't sleep, even though he's got to be at work today, because he was aware that he was solely responsible for the DD (the OP hasn't said how old the DD is). Yes he could have phoned or texted the OP to see where she was and how late she was going to be, but maybe didn't want to be seen as controlling or to cause a scene when she was out with her friend. We don't know what was going through his mind.

OP please talk to him calmly to find out why he reacted as he did. Only then will you really know whether he was BU or not. And if you can widen the discussion to expectations about being out at night in general, you can agree on how to go about it if you go out again. Not that you're going to have to be home and in bed by 11.00, but how do you meet each other half way.

Original poster
MissBax · 22/10/2019 11:17

Hi all! Thanks for all your replies, honestly nice to read all the different perspectives on it, even if I don't necessarily agree with them all.

I sent dh a text saying I'm really sorry if I caused him any upset or worry, and that I just got carried away with a friend and basically just everything I've written here.

He apologised and said he did overreact but that he struggled to get to sleep whilst I was out and that he's now just knackered at work and not having the best day on top of that.

Thankfully don't think it's going to go any further now but cheers for the support/advice.

I have to say that some of the 'if that was my partner I'd be livid' posts are slightly ott but I guess each relationship is unique and what is deemed as acceptable is different in each one. I personally think the odd night blowing off steam is okay, but yes perhaps the lack of communication (although I thought it was enough) could be worked on.

OP posts: