Am I being financially abusive?

[mylifenow27]

After seeing how other people manage their money I feel like I'm being financially abusive (maybe that's a bit strong but I feel guilty). But my other half literally leaves it to me and is happy with that. we normally sit down once a month an go over spending and do a plan.

As my other half earns everything. He can buy as he likes but probably doesn't by that much (3 weeks ago he spent £500 on clothes (£139 on a new coat) an normally just some nice beers on a weekend. I buy all the shopping an make sure I get food he likes, I also buy all the house decor things so that's done for him.

We aren't married. I spend it how I like (literally) I put some in my savings account, other bits away for Christmas etc an organise all the bills being paid. Pay our private pension, health insurance etc. Buy us clothes all the kids stuff. I earn nothing as stay at home with the baby, but the two eldest are at school and one in the middle at full time nursery.

Everything he pays for including the cleaner and laundrette for the family's washing and ironing. So I don't do much house work apart from tidying.

To be fair though I didn't want to have anymore children I wanted to study and go back into work. But I gave him the children he wanted.

After reading some posts I feel a bit cruel now, but if anything ever happened I would share my savings equally, I suppose I balance it out with putting my life on hold to have kids.

AIBU?

He runs a business with employees, he's not a wall flower. He couldn't run a successful business if he was. He would definitely stand up and say something if he was unhappy with the finances.

After running a business all day and worrying about the stress of staff and things he just doesn't want to get involved with the organising of personal finances. He has access to it all including all passwords. He works hard and he constantly believes and says he is doing this for us and our future and does want to get married but I'm the one that has put it off.

We have had hard times in the past very hard times and we have pulled together while we have had no money and no luxury's.

I bring up the kids and give back to the community where and wen I can.

I was concerned at the beginning of this post because yes I do all the organisation but that's as he doesn't want to and I'm not controlling or limiting if anything he has a big say and then we negotiate on how to much to spend on things like holidays and the kids at Christmas. We always come to an agreement. I would say we work very well as a team threw the good and the bad. A. I have supported him threw difficult times as he has me.

Spousal support is pretty rare nowadays.

Not when the spouse has been a SAHP for the duration of the relationship and has a disabled child.

If OP had to go out to work who would look after the child?

Haven't rft so apologies if someone has said it already.
Either get married or write a will. As a financially dependant partner you are in a very vulnerable position. Even if your DP is a lovely guy, if he died suddenly you wouldn't be in control of his finances.

Thanks we wIll plan a quick wedding 👍👍

Pensions? Insurance for critical illness?

Confused how you are being financially abusive when you have no income, career or prospects?
Get qualified, trained and experienced ASAP!

That's great, OP, 👏🏼 your quick wedding can be at the registry office, no dressing up needed;

it's literally just signing a contract for the future security of you and the DC too; a business deal

@mylifenow27 I trust your DP had permission from the courts to start a new company after bankruptcy?

It doesn't matter that he's not a director, he is managing or promoting a company whilst bankrupt and that's illegal.

You could be in very hot water if you're a director of a company operating in that way.

It's not abusive if he agrees with the set up. As long as he has access to the money and can use it and can participate to the decision making. It's all good.

He has been discharged from his bankruptcy many years ago but due to credit and people always ask to disclose it, it helps for me to be a director. The company was set up threw our solicitor and accountant so is all legally above board. This cost much more than doing it online yourself but we wanted it all correct.

We have four children one who's under one and one with serious disabilities. I also volunteer. We choose together to have a cleaner. If we are happy to pay for this I don't get why it's anyone's business.

Thanks for the comments everyone. We just run our life's how suits us. Am neither is abusive.

I have no idea why people are piling on, OP! Getting married would be very sensible, just to protect yourself (and the DC), but otherwise it sounds like you have quite a sensible set up.
Being a SAHM to care for a disabled child and run the household as well as doing all that volunteering is a perfectly reasonable choice, and it sounds like your DH is fully supportive of that.
It sounds like you would make an excellent nurse, so hold onto that plan for when you’re ready.

You are not being unreasonable at all. If this works for you as a couple then great. He obviously trusts you and is happy for you to take on the mental load of managing the finances.

My husband gives most of his earnings to me (he keeps a bit in his own account to pay his phone bill) and we pool all our money together. I manage all of the bills etc same as you and my husband is delighted not to have to worry about that stuff.