Am I being financially abusive?

[mylifenow27]

After seeing how other people manage their money I feel like I'm being financially abusive (maybe that's a bit strong but I feel guilty). But my other half literally leaves it to me and is happy with that. we normally sit down once a month an go over spending and do a plan.

As my other half earns everything. He can buy as he likes but probably doesn't by that much (3 weeks ago he spent £500 on clothes (£139 on a new coat) an normally just some nice beers on a weekend. I buy all the shopping an make sure I get food he likes, I also buy all the house decor things so that's done for him.

We aren't married. I spend it how I like (literally) I put some in my savings account, other bits away for Christmas etc an organise all the bills being paid. Pay our private pension, health insurance etc. Buy us clothes all the kids stuff. I earn nothing as stay at home with the baby, but the two eldest are at school and one in the middle at full time nursery.

Everything he pays for including the cleaner and laundrette for the family's washing and ironing. So I don't do much house work apart from tidying.

To be fair though I didn't want to have anymore children I wanted to study and go back into work. But I gave him the children he wanted.

After reading some posts I feel a bit cruel now, but if anything ever happened I would share my savings equally, I suppose I balance it out with putting my life on hold to have kids.

AIBU?

I would get some legal advice on your situation, especially regarding the business and decide whether getting married is sensible for both of you. You don't need a big wedding, have a blessing later on and a party. No one needs to even know.

You also say you don't have much in the way of prospects, if that's the case then you do need legal advice on whether being married is better protection for you and also the children. If DP walks off with someone else, where would you stand regarding the house, ongoing finances? Don't want to presume you're in the UK, but you need to know this information and make an informed choice, not one based around weight loss.

The business is very stable has been trading a reasonable time and has good assets with plenty of cash in the bank, very low creditors. I do keep a very close interest on how the business is doing financially and the accounting. However not the day to day running.

If the business was to get in to difficulties at worst I would be made bankrupt but this very very unlikely. As we are a seller of products business to business only. We have a strong paper work trail and all money owed is debtor protected in case a customer goes under, this also covers court and legal fees. It's a very tight ship to protect the business and us. We do pay more for these services but it protects us.

People are right and we should get married I will look into possibly going to the local registry office. It just hasn't been my main priority but it should be now.

I don't want to marry while over weight

Just get along to the registry office with a couple of witnesses - two people from the street, if you like.

You can have a celebration party later on, if you like, or not.

Your situation is very insecure at the moment.

I also don't think you're financially abusive. It seems like your DP is happy with you paying the bills etc and he can clearly spend money when it's required. It becomes a problem when one half of the couple has a problem with it and doesn't feel listened to.

Also 3k isn't that much in savings so I don't think that's such an issue. As it grows you might want to discuss it again and see if DP would rather it was in an account he also could have access to. Another consideration is if you were ill/died/coma and DP needed the savings, it sounds like he's not going to be able to access it. You need a plan for this as the money grows, maybe move it out somewhere in both your names as it grows?

specifically on the finances it doesn't seem unusual for one person to handle things.

We're married and all savings are in my wife's accounts including ISA etc. I have a current account which is used for my wages and most bills, and I transfer savings into her accounts.

We update the bills/budget about once every 3 months to check things are balancing - but mostly everything is accounted for except 'pocket money' - so yearly expenses are saved up for in a separate account etc.

My wife is simply more financially organised than me, so it suits both of us

Honestly I don't know. You don't work at the moment, you aren't married, it's good that you have money for yourself which you can use or save, that means security.

Most couples do have individual savings accounts, even going back to my parents and my in laws (& our mothers didn't work), they had their own money. I also had one but I was never much of a saver :-), my husband was a bit more careful of which I was glad later on - but I did work. We shared bills, food etc, but he paid for more as he earned a lot more. This is a while ago, I am nearly 70. We pooled some money.
It was never an issue.

If you and he are happy with the current status and feel secure, what is the problem?

Regarding marriage, you don't have to be slim or glamorous to be married. You just go to the registrar, say a few words and sign. You can always have a party later.

Please don't be one of those people who are more in love with the wedding than the marriage (you have said you've never been hung up on the idea of a dream wedding). There are advantages to being married.

I may be missing something but how are you financially abusive? You've said, if you ever split, you would divide your savings between you - and he knows what you have. He pays for most things but you pay for quite a bit too and there's nothing secretive about it. I mean - we're not talking about millions here and you have less than £3k in savings. Your partner obviously has disposable income too, you both manage.

Do train for something, op, so that you can have some sort of career in the future - that would be money well spent. An investment.

I honestly don't understand what you are asking. If you were sitting on £500k and your partner was existing hand to mouth, then I would certainly think you were mean but that isn't the situation.

It all sounds very insecure and worrying- him being a past bankrupt, relying on this guarantor in the OPs name for the business, renting, having multiple children, not working and not being married. Although in those circumstances would marriage even be much of a protection?

I don't see anything abusive in your financial circumstances. I also don't see a problem with you putting money in your own savings account. At the end of the day it is family money and you are 'working' for the family to care for your children. Im not sure if other posters are unhappy about you having the savings because you are not married?
We are married but no children yet. We both work and DH earns a little bit more than me. I do all the money stuff, we have a joint account and a shared credit card as well as our own accounts and own credit cards (all managed by me 😉) but the bulk of our savings are in a savings account in my name.
It does seem that being married would give you more protection and my cousin had a small registry office wedding for that reason.

My husband works, I'm currently a SAHM (I'm now looking for work as the youngest will be starting school full time next year). He works 42 hours a week, has a commute of an hour each way, I'm in charge of everything else. It would probably look on the outside that I'm financially abusive if it looks like you are. He hasn't got a clue about the finances, doesn't know what bills we pay etc, he will ask if it's ok to buy a game or book etc but not for permission, just to make sure we have enough cash in the account to cover the bills etc and it's not going to leave us short. He's not financially minded and money burns a hole in his pocket so it's the most sensible option for us. I put money in various saving accounts every month (like one for the care of the pets in case of emergencies, one that will cover what the cars cost each March for MOTs, Tax etc, kids savings etc). He's never asked or been the slightest bit interested to see the bank accounts as he knows I manage them well and don't spend if it's not sensible to. Our savings and current account are all in joint names, not that there's much there, but he could access it if he wanted, he just has no desire to.
Only thing iffy imo is that you put money into a savings account in your name only. Ok I get that it's harder to get to but you could add him as a joint holder on the account if he would prefer it. Still I don't see it as being financially abusive unless you are outright saying he can only have xx amount a month or that he is not allowed to spend anything.

It's fine for him to leave it all to you to sort out, that's not abusive at all, unless you start refusing to let him know what you are doing, removing his access to the accounts, or restricting his spending.

It's not okay for you to be siphoning it off into your personal savings account, though. It's great to be saving, but I really think that since you aren't married, you ought to each have your own savings account with the same amount going into to both.

He spends what he wants on himself and you do all the home-admin and childcare. Not abusive at all.

While owning a business it's very hard to be secure, especially in the first 5/7 years it takes a long time and accounts. Everything is as secure as it can be and we have added protection in place. As the business runs for longer the PG will be removed. We also have insurance that would pay out if the business would to collapse which is unlikely but needed.

The only way I think to make us more secure is to save money, an in the next few years buy a house.

If he was to leave as people have said, it would be difficult for him to set up a new business on his own, but he could take the customers with him and work for someone.

But ultimately I have to trust him and our relationship. Yes I do need to study and I do want to I just find it incredibly difficult as I have dyslexia so course work and essays I'm rubbish at. I'm much better suited to an apprenticeship type corse. I would like to train as a nurse and he's said he's more than happy to support me in that.

I've just spoken to him about marriage and he said he's happy to go to the registry office and get married ASAP it's me who's been putting it off as I'm so embarrassed of my weight as I've gotten pregnant so soon after having a baby. But we have agreed to just wear normal clothes and have a nice meal after. He more so would like a big wedding, but agreed we could do it at a later date.

I felt like it could be possible abuse because I organise all the finances, he does have access tho.

But ultimately I have to trust him and our relationship.

No you don’t, you have to protect yourself and your children financially.

As things stands if anything went wrong he could turf you out on the street and you would be entitled to nothing.

I don't think you're financially abusive but I think you're in a worrying position. You didn't want anymore children but you did be because it's what he wanted. You wanted to study and go back to work but he wanted you looking after the children. You have your name on the company of a man who went bankrupt.
Sorry I.can only see one person with controlling tendencies and it's not you. Just please p!ease be careful. My husband started out like this and I overlooked it because of the children and because I loved him . His behaviour only got worse and I could be totally wrong but your situation sounds so similar I'd be worried.

Marriage is a red herring. Make sure that now you have given him the children he wants that you look after your own longer-term financial interests by being financially self-sufficient.

As it stands if he ended the relationship you’d be fucked @mylifenow27! Stop having children because he wants them! That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!

I have asked him about opening a joint savings account an he just isn't fussed.

My only comment is that he should have savings too. I organise all our money and that includes regular savings into accounts you can't easily access. I'd feel very uncomfortable with all the savings being in my name.

Stealth boast

The only protection I have is the savings in my name but people are saying this is wrong?

This is where everyone's opinion is confusing.

Apart from going back to school right now what would people suggest I do?

Also completely insulting to people who have been financially abused.

I think you do need to return to studying, perhaps a course in sociology, modesty or empathy.

Hmm do you pay the exact amount into a savings account for just him too. I wouldn’t be happy if my husband put all our savings in his personal account.

You didn't want anymore children but you did be because it's what he wanted. You wanted to study and go back to work but he wanted you looking after the children. You have your name on the company of a man who went bankrupt.

This. Sounds like he gets everything he wants. But you're worried about being abusive.

Apart from going back to school right now what would people suggest I do?

Get married so that you are entitled to an equal share of everything.

I think you need to rethink the “my savings” part. They are either shared savings in a shared account that you both have access to, or you should open another savings account in his name and split the savings equally, and continue to do so. Anything else is unfair.

He is foolish for taking no interest in your finances though. He is putting himself in a vulnerable position should you ever split, as he would have no idea what I’d going on. If you can, I would encourage him to take an interest. Not much you can do if he declines though.