Am I being financially abusive?

[mylifenow27]

After seeing how other people manage their money I feel like I'm being financially abusive (maybe that's a bit strong but I feel guilty). But my other half literally leaves it to me and is happy with that. we normally sit down once a month an go over spending and do a plan.

As my other half earns everything. He can buy as he likes but probably doesn't by that much (3 weeks ago he spent £500 on clothes (£139 on a new coat) an normally just some nice beers on a weekend. I buy all the shopping an make sure I get food he likes, I also buy all the house decor things so that's done for him.

We aren't married. I spend it how I like (literally) I put some in my savings account, other bits away for Christmas etc an organise all the bills being paid. Pay our private pension, health insurance etc. Buy us clothes all the kids stuff. I earn nothing as stay at home with the baby, but the two eldest are at school and one in the middle at full time nursery.

Everything he pays for including the cleaner and laundrette for the family's washing and ironing. So I don't do much house work apart from tidying.

To be fair though I didn't want to have anymore children I wanted to study and go back into work. But I gave him the children he wanted.

After reading some posts I feel a bit cruel now, but if anything ever happened I would share my savings equally, I suppose I balance it out with putting my life on hold to have kids.

AIBU?

[Orangeblossom78]

More than the abusive part having joint accounts with a past bankrupt would concern me due to linked accounts

[mylifenow27]

Wow my situation isn't as simple as it seems on the surface. This is no kind of boast. I have been the mum coppering up to buy bread in Aldi and putting £2 on my card and paying £3 in cash.

On top of all this that I haven't mentioned I also have a child with cerebral palsy who I care for full time this makes it incredibly difficult to hold down a job.

I have lots of good traits and I am far from a boaster. In my spare time I volunteer with young mums, am a breastfeeding peer supporter and work with my local maternity liaison comity so I don't sit around spending his money doing nothing! I give a lot back to people much less fortunate than me.

But I didn't feel the need to boast about being a do gooder as I hate peoples that use doing these things to big them selfs up!

Now how much do you do to help others?

[Slappadabass]

Doesn't sound abusive at all, just because you take care of the money doesn't mean it's abuse, he has access to money, if he didn't then that would be a different story. Paying the bills isn't a two person job, if one person takes on the responsibility then fair enough, aslong as the other can access money when needed it's not a issue at all.

[WhatToDo999]

The thing that worries me @mylifenow27 is the Personal Guarantee. I sincerely hope you took good legal advice before agreeing to this. I work in the legal sector and have seen many a people who have personal guarantees against them, lose everything.

I note you say the company is doing well now, but please have a backup if things do go wrong as whichever institution holds the guarantee against you will be relentless in getting their money back.

x

[CravingCheese]

I myself couldn't deal with the savings account. I'd either want a joint one or at least two separate accounts!
But then again, I also don't think I'd be comfortable being a sahm whilst not being married....

But you're asking whether it's financially abusive: doesn't sound like that to me!
I'm not sure it's a particularly great solution but abusive? No.

But I'm on my mobile and I've only read the first page. So.... There's that.

[adaline]

You need to get married. You're incredibly vulnerable at the moment.

[mylifenow27]

I do appreciate and understand the repercussions of this @whattodo999 an have taken out insurance after legal advise but I understand these companies are ruthless. Thanks

[deydododatdodontdeydo]

The fact you are taking some of the joint income and squirrelling it away in a personal account is the only really concerning thing.

[InDubiousBattle]

Get married so you are entitled to an equal share of everything

An equal share of what? 50% of nothing is nothing, getting married at this stage won't actually secure anything will it? Op has all of their savings, is the guarantor for the business, they are joint directors, they pay into private pensions (plural so I'm assuming she has one too) they don't own a home......I'm not seeing how being married will help?

You are not being financially abusive op, he has access to money and is content with the situation.

[ilovemushroomsoup]

Tbh the thing that worries me most is that you had multiple children you didn't want, because he wanted them.

My Dad liked to keep getting my mum pregnant. It was a form of control.

[mylifenow27]

Thanks for that input @suchatodo I'm assuming you haven't read other comments. I have a disabled child, but great I'll leave him to all the care and appointments. While I go get a job!

He has access to everything and we do a plan together as we are a team.

Must suck to be so negative and judgemental

[ilovemushroomsoup]

it's his money paying for the shopping, house decor and all the things he likes, you didn't contribute to that

Sorry but I'm going to take issue with that as you are talking bollocks. Of course op contributes, she's at home with the children, enabling him to work.

I know sahm are the devil on MN but please do not belittle them, it is arrogant and patronising.

[InDubiousBattle]

Also op, I don't think it's very unusual for one person to 'do' the finances, it really doesn't make you abusive in and of itself!

[WhatToDo999]

Happy to hear that @mylifenow27 - i think as for the rest of your financial situation, as long as you and DH are happy with the situation as it is, then i don't see any harm in it at all. I'm sure as a grown man, if he had any issues with how things are being handled he would tell you.

So no, i don't think YABU, i think you are working as a team and to each other's strengths x

[CravingCheese]

We aren't married. I spend it how I like (literally)
After reading this again. ..
This one does sort of... Jump out. Are you spending it how you like or how both of you like?

I just can't wrap my head around the savings account... Why?
Either have a joint account.
Or divide it up. Equally...
As I said, I myself really couldn't stand this.
Not having access to his savings. Because they're either his or both of yours. But definitely not just yours alone.


I still don't think this is abusive btw.

Unless there's some additional information you didn't provide?
On the other hand... An abuser is unlikely to explain jow they're abusive. Or may even justify their abuse to themselves and therefore genuinely believe their behaviour is ok....

So yeah. I don't know anymore.
I think it's a bad setup (for your husband) and it might actually be a case of him agreeing to it due to you being abusive / controlling.
Basically... You could be financially abusive. But I'm really not in a position to tell whether you are. Or aren't!

[Bluerussian]

Well op, I'm glad you have returned to the thread and the overwhelming majority on here believe you are not financially abusive. I actually think you are managing well so keep up the good work (and do a course to prepare you for working in the future).

[FusionChefGeoff]

*Suchatodo
*
Read the thread. She has 4 kids including one with cerebral palsy. Have you any idea how much childcare would cost?? That is what she is saving the family, that is her contribution. DP couldn't earn any money if it wasn't for her. It's not HIS money, it's family money.

That was a really horrible and unecessary post.

[CravingCheese]

And it's also a bad setup for you.

You don't seem to have a career or education. And you're unmarried. But you're a sahm...

[mylifenow27]

Yes we both spend as we like no questions ever asked I don't however spend that much on myself to the point he tells me I can spend more if I wish and buys nice gifts.

He's not fussed for a joint savings account I have mentioned it and he knows exactly what is in there an also has access to it as he has passwords for the online account.

[TatianaLarina]

An equal share of what?

Of his earnings. He gives it to her now, he would not be obliged to give it to her if they split.

Being a director and guarantor doesn’t mean she draws a salary.

[andyoldlabour]

OtraCosaMariposa

I agree with you, I regard marriage as stability, an unspoken contract. We have been married for 29 years and I think we love each other now more than when we first met.
We also know quite a few couples who didn't get married, who have since broken up - I suppose it is easier if you don't feel that you have to try.

[InDubiousBattle]

Spousal support is pretty rare nowadays. By all means get married but I don't think it will secure a share of his salary if they split, certainly not an equal share.

[MrsWombat]

Missing the point of the thread but you could set up a savings account for him that is hard for him to get money out of? Something like premium bonds.

[Ellisandra]

Financial abuse - seriously?!

That would be like my cleaner worrying that she was controlling me, because she always does the hoovering and I don’t get a chance to.

All that has happened here, is that he has outsourced finances to you so he doesn’t have to bother. That is hardly you abusing him.