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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our money should be shared?

109 replies

Keepgoing88 · 22/10/2019 05:51

Firstly I should say I'm not sure if I do think the money we have should be shared but I wasn't sure where to put this post!
I'm married and have 3 kids under 7. I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left. I don't get any of that unless I ask. He claims it's coz I'm not great with money (I'm not too bad!). Sometimes I think maybe I should get more but I hate broaching the subject. If I ask and he has some he would give me money but I hate asking so just don't really spend much on myself. What would you do would you just ask for more money? If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job. My work is not that badly paid and the hours fit fairly well around DC so for now I don't see how I can do that.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 22/10/2019 09:19

I'm sorry, but your DH is a financially controlling Dickhead.

No, that is not right be far & unless you have done some big financial cock up where you are solely to blame for a big debt, then he's an absolute arse fir saying that he doesn't give you more as your not good with money. Wow, like he's daddy & gets to say how it all goes. He's a wanker & you deserve someone who respects you much more.Hmm

When DH was SAHP, he had full access to my bank account & my wages as it became our joint account. Now roles are reversed & he's back at work, he does exactly the same thing for me. All money is pooled & bills paid from that & what is left, belongs to both of us. We've been together over 20 years fir that reason, if he'd have tried to pull the selfish twunt stuff yours is doing, his bags would have been packed years ago

readingismycardio · 22/10/2019 09:19

I can't understand couples who don't share finances either. It should be my money and his money (DH earns 5x times than I do), it's OUR money, as a family.

AmIThough · 22/10/2019 09:21

Was it a joint decision that you'd work part time? Did you not discuss finances then?

Waveysnail · 22/10/2019 09:21

Why dont younagree that he gives you x amount each month?

What does he do with the leftover money - spend/save?

Collision · 22/10/2019 09:22

It’s not how our family works thank goodness

Talcott2007 · 22/10/2019 09:25

Posts like this make me so cross - You should be a team. A partnership. Working together so that you all benefit! The work done inside the home is as valuable as the work done outside it. DH and I both earn good salaries. DH earns a little over twice what I earn and gets an annual bonus, he works very hard with long hours in the city and I have recently taken on a new job locally mainly to reduce the need for childcare doing 3.5 days so most of the domestic tasks and caring for DD weekdays falls to me because I'm the only one physically there - When DH is here he is engaged and involved with running our house too - cooking, cleaning, spending time with DD.

Our respective salaries go into our own accounts and we have a joint bank account we both pay a set amount into each month. All family related spending for bills, food, DD's activities etc come from this account. We then agreed what would be a fair split of this cost that would leave us both with money for 'ourselves' it's currently about 2/3 contribution from him and 1/3 from me. DH has way more savings even with him contributing 'more' than me but that's just how it is. Any out of the ordinary expenses are talked about - When we replaced our 8yr old TV last year - We both contributed towards that from our 'personal' money. DH will also occasionally say that the joint account is looking a bit low so he's added an Extra £XX as a buffer.

KatharinaRosalie · 22/10/2019 09:33

If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job

Tell him that yes you will, organising child care, housework etc is now 50-50 task. I bet he won't be so amused.

So what do you pay and what does he? Proportionally to your income? There are various ways to share family money, but if one partner has taken a hit to their income due to childcare, then in my opinion, the fair option is one pot. Meaning you have 1300 left over every month to share between you 2.

Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 09:37

Does he pay anything towards his kids activities either. What does he do with his money

Is free time split as well

You ned to tell him housework childcare etc will need to be split

of course money should be shared you enable him to work that way - one pot split and both pay for the kids

Original poster
Keepgoing88 · 22/10/2019 10:11

Thanks for all the messages. Have poorly baby so not much chance to reply. Before we had our children I use to love shopping and aside from saving a little I would spend on clothes but always made sure not to get into debt and pay bills etc. I have changed this so much and now think I am very thrifty, I shop in cheaper shops where possible and manage to stay within my (very) tight food budget , occasionally i ask him for £50 If I'm running low but could food or kids essentials only. To be honest I don't necessarily NEED the money he has I can manage I just feel like I'm living such a frugal life all the time.
He keeps saying how he never wanted a third child which we have and I think he resents the (small) costs that brings ... My youngest is breastfed and lives in hand me downs so he's not that expensive!!!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 22/10/2019 10:13

so he is punishing you and your children because of it.

He is letting his children live a frugal life as well

Kko1986 · 22/10/2019 10:37

Hi
I've been with my husband for 11 years married 3 and we have an almost 2 year old, we have a joint account for Bill's, I have my own so does he. I work part time he works full time. He would never not share his money as he says it is our money. I could say to him oh could I have x amount to take daughter to soft play. Or could I have some money for a new coat he wouldn't begrudge me as I do work and I pay for the car he uses to go to work. I also raise our daughter. Once married it should be a clear share

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh · 22/10/2019 10:59

Poor baby! What a mean attitude. I hope he does actually love this child.

Spanglyprincess1 · 22/10/2019 11:04

Op you need a chat with him. It isn't fair in your scenario what's happening.
Go through the finances and explain to him /shoe him how it isn't fair nad agree a figure that works for you bothh.

SalemShadow · 22/10/2019 11:33

Not being rude OP but how on earth does he expect you to manage with £100? It's completely unrealistic. You would be wise to get a full time job and then just do the bills and chores 50/50. I feel sorry you are having to manage with that measly budget

EKGEMS · 22/10/2019 11:59

He never wanted a third child? Tell the stupid fucker he should've gotten a vasectomy then! What a shitty thing to say. I hope the cheap bastard realizes how much he'd be paying if you guys divorced.

YobaOljazUwaque · 22/10/2019 14:12

ah so you married a shitweasel. Hmm.

AmIThough · 22/10/2019 15:05

It's one thing saying you don't want a 3rd child when you find out you're pregnant - it's something else entirely once you choose to welcome an actual human into your family.

He's a prick and is using the child against you. This won't ever end well.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 22/10/2019 15:53

He never wanted a third child

He should have been more careful where he left his sperm then; I'm sure you didn't scoop it out of him.

HildaSnibbs · 22/10/2019 16:11

I am so saddened and enraged by how many posts like yours there are on here OP, this is far from the first time I've read something like this.

And no it's not right, and it's not normal. Both incomes should go into a joint account and both partners should have free access to it, should have full visibility on bills, savings etc. Yes by all means agree a 'spending allowance' for yourselves (and it should be the same ££ for you both!) if you want to keep a lid on spending - but this 'asking him for money' 'it's his because he earns is' crap is utterly infuriating, sexist, regressive bollocks.

By the way I'm a SAHM and all DH's income goes into a joint account. Both of us spend what we want, when we want, because we trust each other and we're a team.

averylongtimeago · 22/10/2019 16:20

So: you pay for all the food, his included? All the childcare, children's clothes, activities, haircuts etc?
I bet you do all the housework, cooking and shopping too.

What is he actually good for?
He sounds mean and nasty to me.

summersherewishiwasnt · 22/10/2019 16:26

The 3rd child comment is awful.
I would ask him to pay this bill please
Childcare Invoice. And any other wife work you do for him.
I honestly would. You work full time caring for his children and keeping the home, that is worth something. He is tight fisted and that is very attractive.

summersherewishiwasnt · 22/10/2019 16:26

Why are you paying for food from your two day per week salary ???? Wtaf!

Cheeserton · 22/10/2019 16:26

If not pooling the money overall, clearly the higher earner needs to pay a bit proportion of the bills and general costs proportionate to their bigger income, leaving you with a more sensible residual amount each month from your own money. He's simply not paying enough, he doesn't need to give you spending money. You are paying too much.

Cheeserton · 22/10/2019 16:27

Bigger proportion*

PermanentlyExhausted · 22/10/2019 16:33

He keeps saying how he never wanted a third child which we have

FFS!! So did the condom split, or has his vasectomy failed? Because that's the only possible way he now has a third child that he didn't want. The only other option is that he carelessly left his sperm inside you but expected you to make sure it didn't impregnate you. You know, I don't want people to steal my purse so I keep it zipped up inside my handbag. I don't leave it in someone else's handbag and them claim I didn't want it stolen.

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