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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think our money should be shared?

109 replies

Keepgoing88 · 22/10/2019 05:51

Firstly I should say I'm not sure if I do think the money we have should be shared but I wasn't sure where to put this post!
I'm married and have 3 kids under 7. I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left. I don't get any of that unless I ask. He claims it's coz I'm not great with money (I'm not too bad!). Sometimes I think maybe I should get more but I hate broaching the subject. If I ask and he has some he would give me money but I hate asking so just don't really spend much on myself. What would you do would you just ask for more money? If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job. My work is not that badly paid and the hours fit fairly well around DC so for now I don't see how I can do that.

OP posts:

Spanglyprincess1 · 22/10/2019 07:39

Your situation is different op. But I have separate finances after having a child with my dp.
We each work full time and each pay half the bills (ultilites food and rent or mortgage) and then keep what's left. He has 3 children from his first marriage. This is one of the reasons we do this, as they are solely his repsonability to contribute towards and he isn't good with money at all. He chooses to be self employed and earn less than min wage equivilliant so that is his choice but I'm not funding him doing that. This was clearly agreed between us when I fell pregnant and discussed.
I think with blended families the situation of there's no such thing as my money isn't the case.
I'm your situation though op it isn't like this and it really isn't fair. He should be either contributing to half of additional childcare so you can work full time and have income or agreeing to pay a larger portion of bills as higherearnerthus giving you more disposible income.

billybagpuss · 22/10/2019 07:43

Presumably if he's so 'good' with money, he is only spending the same amount per month as you, so £100 therefore he's saving £1100 per month???

You need to have a proper discussion which starts with 'We need to discuss our disproportionate disposable incomes. In order for you to have that much per month I'm am currently doing xyz chores and childcare, you need to acknowledge that.' I refuse to continue to ask you for handouts like a little kid asking for pocket money.

If he responds that you should earn more money, you simply say, OK I will return full time you therefore need to split the cost of childcare and a cleaner.

Are you currently splitting the bills 50/50 if so that is ludicrous?

MIdgebabe · 22/10/2019 07:45

Is he spending the 1200 or saving it? University days, New car, retirement fund? You need to discuss priorities,

I think I am well off, and after bills I have 100 a month as me spending money, some months there's left over, other months DD is home from university and I am soft.....so you don't sound strapped for cash. When dh was house husband, I would have felt aggrieved if he had regularly wanted more free cash than I was using

Butterfly84 · 22/10/2019 07:50

That is not right OP.

Having to ask your DH for money is not right.

So you care for the children alone for 3 days per week and pay for childcare? Bring up his children and have to ask him for money? So wrong.

All money/most of it should be shared IMO. Shared income for you both and you both decide how it's spent.

Steerpike902 · 22/10/2019 07:53

Get him to pay for childcare to make up the difference in your hours. Or invoice him yourself. He only has all that money and you don't as your sacrificing to look after the children. He hasn't had to sacrifice work or his personal time to look after the kids y yet he gets to parade around with all his money. I definitely hope you're not paying half of the bills from your money as that's bullshit.

Chewbecca · 22/10/2019 08:00

In some ways it's like this with me and my DH, he pays the lion's share of the bills and I have lots leftover. DH is not bothered by money at all and it does tend to burn a hole in his pocket.
I save what is leftover and tend to spend it on the house or on our family holidays, i.e. on all of us. Or an overpayment on our mortgage.
Works fine for us.

TheSerenDipitY · 22/10/2019 08:02

he needs to be giving you some personal money each month, thats just not on that you slave away all day looking after the kids and home and all the home admin and most likely the wife work too... you ending up with $100 vs his $1200 is bloody wrong... my husband doesnt even have a bank account, he directed his pay to my bank when we first moved in together and its stayed that way ever since, i pay all the bills, set aside money for petrol, and other planned or upcoming bills and expenses and then in a secondary account i transfer what is left over and either of us can use that money, if there is something i want i just get it, he does the same ( but most often asks if its all good to buy xyz or will it leave us short )

if i were you and he wont give you access to a reasonable amount of money i would stop using my wage for any family things, or start telling people ( in front of him even) no sorry i cant afford to do that, nope no money for that, oh i wish i could but i have no money... eventually someone will ask why not be honest and say he wont give you any spending money that he prefers to spend it all on himself

Morgan12 · 22/10/2019 08:04

Of course it should be shared. You are married.

You share a house, children, a full life together, so why not money?

Beveren · 22/10/2019 08:04

Why are you paying child care? There's no logical reason why your husband shouldn't pay for it.

YobaOljazUwaque · 22/10/2019 08:07

This is financial abuse. Its not like you are free to choose how much to earn - you earn what you do because you are shouldering the majority of the impact of parenthood, and that is something that is intrinsically an equal joint responsibility. There is nothing wrong with you choosing as a couple not to split the practical work equally but that means that in the same way the additional money earned by the person who is earning more should be shared because the uneven split of efforts between money-earning work and family-maintenance work is part of a partnership and if he is taking advantage of you getting the shitty end of the stick on one axis without sharing the rewards he reaps from the work he us thereby enabled to do, then he is no partner and no husband and deserves to live lonely and without love.

LagunaBubbles · 22/10/2019 08:07

You are married, you know partners for life, share children, a bed etc. Of course money should be shared! Situations like this blow my mind. How can any decent partner be happy knowing the other is in this situation?

Crystal87 · 22/10/2019 08:08

He should be paying money into your account. My DH works full time and I'm a stay at home parent. We're a family and everything he gives never gets back in food, bills paid etc.

Crystal87 · 22/10/2019 08:09

he does get back, that should say.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/10/2019 08:12

Its staggering in 2019 that this is still even an item for discussion.

You are a couple, you have a family together. One partner has compromised earning potential to prioritise the family and therefore enable the other partner to earn.

Of course the income is joint, of course the benefits should be shared, so should available leisure time.

JustaScratch · 22/10/2019 08:13

This makes me absolutely furious. You are subsiding his life and career success, sacrificing your own earning potential to bring up his children. You are married. The children belong to both of you. So does the money. I speak as someone who has earned more than my DH for most of our marriage and who is now supporting him entirely. We both have equal access and he doesn't have to ask my permission to buy something. How patronising and degrading. But unfortunately all too common.

Cornishmum00 · 22/10/2019 08:15

Does he save the money or spend it on himself? I would tell him you need x amount transferred each month to you for the children or he has to pay for childcare so you can increase your hours

Vulpine · 22/10/2019 08:17

Joint account that you both have access to
What a cock

TheMasterBaker · 22/10/2019 08:25

I am a SAHM, husband works full time in a well paid job. We've had a joint bank account since we bought our house. He has never once commented about me spending money as it is our money. He earns the money, I do everything for the kids and house. I feel like I'm not contributing because I'm not contributing financially, but we're a team. You're married with children, you are a team, one member of the team shouldn't have to spend out on household stuff, childcare etc and be left with no 'spare' money while the other is rolling in it. Maybe suggest you go back to work full time and he will have to take on his fair share of paying childcare, groceries, housework etc and see how he feels about that? Makes me realise how lucky I am with DH, he's happy as long as I cook him nice meals and gets to buy the odd playstation game or book.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 22/10/2019 08:28

He should be paying 50% of the childcare on the days you're both working (you pay the other 50%). He should then be paying you 100% of the childcare for the days you're at home with the children as you're enabling him to go out to work.

Both separate finances and pooled finances for couples can work but you need to be on the same page with neither feeling taken advantage of.

We felt it was right that we pooled especially when I was a SAHM. I was basically facilitating DH's career. He only had to worry about his working day, I dealt with the children, school run, nursery half days, sickness, school holidays. I was essentially a nanny and felt I should be 'paid' (ie. also have access to funds). DH would have to pay for a nanny if I wasn't here so why should I be sat with nothing while DH has loads of disposable cash due to free childcare? We have an allowance for personal spends though as we both have hobbies, plus it helps keep the budget on track.

TheMasterBaker · 22/10/2019 08:34

@Tree We're the same here, my husband loves that 'I'm the boss' at home, he's a manager at work so he comes home, has his dinner, occasionally takes the bins out and that's his work done, he doesn't have to worry about cooking, ironing, finances etc. My being at home benefits us both, he doesn't have to worry about the bills, school runs, housework and I don't have to worry about work or a commute.

bookwormsforever · 22/10/2019 08:53

I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left.

So you pay all the childcare and for all kids activities?? It beggars belief that people think this is a sensible or fair way to run a relationship. He is not a good man if he's happy to hoard all his money and see you go without.

Sit down with him and write down all your income and outgoings. Look at the disposable income left at the end of the month and ask him if he thinks this is fair.

What doe she spend his money on?? Does he save?

What's he like with the kids and what's the rest of your relationship like?

Ask him how he would deal with the dc if you were not there to look after them, house them, feed them, take them to childcare, etc. He can only work because YOU facilitate him working.

heatingsoup · 22/10/2019 09:06

But he's said you can have money if you ask for it and you've said you don't like asking.

Sit down and talk to him and split the bills in a way to give you more money if needed. Talk to him.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 22/10/2019 09:12

If one parent has loads more money than they other when they both contribute roughly equally (and I'd count looking after children and dropping your hours to do so, as contributing), and doesnt give the other free access, and if one parent can spend freely while the other can't then I'd say this is financial abuse.

I'd be asking him to do more around the house, more drop off and pick ups, more emergency days off when the kids are sick and pay childcare so you can go to work so you can buy a new coat or go out for lunch or whatever takes your fancy

WhatFreshHell71 · 22/10/2019 09:15

Family pot surely?

Youseethethingis · 22/10/2019 09:16

I wonder what planet this delightful man is on? It must be nice there.

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