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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our money should be shared?

109 replies

Keepgoing88 · 22/10/2019 05:51

Firstly I should say I'm not sure if I do think the money we have should be shared but I wasn't sure where to put this post!
I'm married and have 3 kids under 7. I work 2 days a week and my husband full time. After bills / food / kids activities and child care I have around £100 left, most of which gets spent on extra food, petrol etc but is my little buffer. My husband, after paying mortgage and bills has about £1250 left. I don't get any of that unless I ask. He claims it's coz I'm not great with money (I'm not too bad!). Sometimes I think maybe I should get more but I hate broaching the subject. If I ask and he has some he would give me money but I hate asking so just don't really spend much on myself. What would you do would you just ask for more money? If I complain he often says well why don't i get a better paid job. My work is not that badly paid and the hours fit fairly well around DC so for now I don't see how I can do that.

OP posts:
LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh · 22/10/2019 06:59

Did you get married in church OP? Remember that vow, "All that I have, I share with you" ?

Perhaps your husband has a different definition of sharing, one where you share but he doesn't.

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 22/10/2019 07:01

What does he do with his £1200?

I would look at what proportion of each of your wages is spent on bills? Sounds like nearly 100% of yours is but not his.

What happens when you need a new pair of jeans? Or a haircut?

CatteStreet · 22/10/2019 07:02

He's treating you like a glorified housemate.

People don't usually have sex with their housemates. Or wash or cook or clean for them.

Just saying. Might be a way of making him think.

I too am unable to fathom this mentality of being married (often in 'traditional' marriages with 'traditional' weddings which usually involve something about sharing all that you have) and having children with someone and thinking that one can sit back and watch them struggle while amassing vast amounts in the bank, as if that were the most normal thing in the world.

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 22/10/2019 07:02

It’s not right OP.
DH earns 3x my salary (both FT) and we both pool our money into a joint account where bills are taken each month and then the left over is freely accessible to both of us!

I’m currently pregnant and will likely go back PT - I would feel less comfortable doing this if we didn’t have the financial agreement we do. When you’re married (or long term partners) and there are children involved theres no ‘my money’ or ‘your money’ anymore and neither party should benefit more!

Talk to DH and express that whilst you don’t want to spend it all 😂 you feel uncomfortable not having access to this ‘extra’ money. Either he can pay more bills/food so that you’re left with £500+ each month OR you get a joint savings account to keep his extra money in!

rwalker · 22/10/2019 07:05

Give him more of the bills to pay make outgoing more relevant to each others income .
Separate finances can work fine but have to be fair

TryingAndFailing39 · 22/10/2019 07:07

If he’s not going to share his money with you then at the very least he should be paying for the children’s activities and food if he earns much more than you.

RosieLynn · 22/10/2019 07:09

I cannot understand people who have separate finances after having children.

Nanny0gg · 22/10/2019 07:11

What's he doing with all that extra money?

PrincessRaven · 22/10/2019 07:11

I'd go back to work fulltime, and let him know he'll be getting a child care and cleaner bill soon

Whattodoabout · 22/10/2019 07:11

Never understood this my money/your money set up within families. You have children, of course he should be funding them. The money should all be pooled together and you should be able to spend whatever you need to without qualms from him. Within reason of course, I don’t mean you should be able to splash it all on nights out!

ShippingNews · 22/10/2019 07:19

I just don't get it. You're a family. All family money should go into the family pot, then all expenses come out of it. Anything that is left, can be saved or you can both have an equal amount for pocket money. The idea of "you pay for this / I pay for that / I get a huge amount of spending money / you get very little " is all wrong to me. You may as well be living with a room mate if you're going to live like that.

peachypetite · 22/10/2019 07:21

Absolutely ridiculous set up! I think you know this isn’t fair or normal OP.

FamilyOfAliens · 22/10/2019 07:22

I don't know where to begin with this. He sounds like your dad, not your husband and father of the children you decided together to have.

Tell him you’re going to start looking for full-time work so you can have a similar level of disposable income as he has, so that things are fairer. Tell him this will mean he’ll need to pay out more in childcare. See how that fits with his arrangement.

Walkacrossthesand · 22/10/2019 07:22

The other way to consider setting it up, is that you both contribute pro rata in accordance with your income, to all household costs including childcare; that slightly recognises your unpaid work running the home, and would hopefully even up your disposable incomes. I hope he's saving some of his excess, not just spending it on himself? Him being so good with money an' all?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/10/2019 07:23

It sounds like he’s not on board with you working part time? This should have been a joint decision as it impacts the whole family financially.

Countrybumpkins · 22/10/2019 07:25

I originally read it as he had £125 and thought he should definitely give you £12.50 to make it equal!
This
I'd go back to work fulltime, and let him know he'll be getting a child care and cleaner bill soon

BillHadersNewWife · 22/10/2019 07:27

He should be saving some of it for both of you.

SubmersibleSandwich · 22/10/2019 07:30

I never, ever wasted family cash on ‘girly’ trash like nails, beauty treatments, spa days or ephemera like that. I had my hair cut, yes, and a cleaner, but then, so did he and the cleaner was for the house, not me. For his part, my DH never wasted money on lads’ days out or football or expensive hobbies

I don't get this at all, sounds like a really dull & restrictive way to live! Assuming there is some disposable income, what is wrong with both adults taking an equal amount each month to treat themselves with? Even £50 or so?

OP, YANBU & your/your DH money should be shared.

TreePeepingWatcher · 22/10/2019 07:30

I'd call his bluff, tell him to earn more money you are going back to work full time and you need to sit down and work out drop offs and collections for the children plus dividing up the housework. Also show him the increased child care costs.

It shouldn't be a 50/50 split because he earns more. You should both be left with the same amount of spending money and maybe some of it goes into a savings pot for holidays/cars/retirement whatever. It always worries me when people say their partner is willing to watch them struggle financially, how is that caring at all?

I am a SAHM with full access to the money Dh makes and I can spend what I like when I like. We have been together 23 years. He openly admits that me being at home is bliss for him as he does no housework, his meals are made and his shirts are ironed. I do this without hesitation because he completely appreciates what I do.

SubmersibleSandwich · 22/10/2019 07:32

It sounds like he’s not on board with you working part time? This should have been a joint decision as it impacts the whole family financially

Perhaps he isn't, but I bet he'd expect her to pay for all the childcare and do all the housework/pay and organise a cleaner even if she worked FT.

73Sunglasslover · 22/10/2019 07:33

Is it worth suggesting to him that he does the next few years at 2 days a week and you go back full time? You need to keep it fair after all.

RedskyToNight · 22/10/2019 07:35

I agree with others that money should be shared but ...

.. what is he spending the £1250 on? Is some/all of this really on things that benefit the family?

... did you mutually agree that you should go p/t or was this primarily your decision? If he's unhappy with being the main wage earner, I can see why he might think that you should earn more. Of course if you do go down that route, absolutely get an agreement ahead of time as to a fair split of chores/childcare responsibilities

LucileDuplessis · 22/10/2019 07:36

This isn't right, OP.

Not all married couples share finances 100%, but in cases where one person is a SAHM or working part time, and is therefore doing significantly more of the childcare and housework, then it's the only fair way. Otherwise you're effectively working for free on those tasks, whereas he's effectively getting free childcare and housekeeping.

If he won't share finances, your only option is to work full time and share the childcare costs and housework (or the cost of a cleaner) with him 50:50. What would he say if you suggested that set up?

At the moment the situation is massively unfair.

mylifenow27 · 22/10/2019 07:37

I feel a bit bad now as everything my other half earns goes into a joint account we arnt married. I spend it how I like (literally) I put some on my saving account other away for Christmas etc an organise all the bills being paid. I earn nothing as stay at home with the baby, but the two eldest are at school and one in the middle at full time nursery.

Everything he pays for including the cleaner and laundrette for the family's washing and ironing. So I don't do much house work apart from tidying.

To be fair though I didn't want to have anymore children I wanted to study and go back into work. But I gave him the children he wanted.

I feel pretty cruel now tho!!! But I suppose I balance it out with putting my life on hold to have kids.

Troels · 22/10/2019 07:38

Money into the bill "pot" should be in propotion with earnings. So if he earns double he puts double in, all bills including childcare and child related costs shuld be coming out of that pot.
It's called financial abuse when he keeps you poor making you slend all you have on necessities while he amasses a nice fat savings account.
Dh and I couldn't be bothered with working out what to put in the pot, so we shoved it all in one and everything including savings came from there. For many years it was only his earings, now it's only mine. We trust each other.