Waiting till DC are older to tell them this?

[PumpkinP]

Just want to know what people though on this situation. I have 4 children with my ex. He is absent and has been for a few years (this is his choice). Anyway he has an older son who he also doesn’t have contact with. He always told me the mother had stopped contact and in my defence I was young and naive when I met him and he was my first relationship, so I took his word for it. I now realise that probably wasn’t the case since he now doesn’t bother with my children either.

I was never allowed to speak about his child as he didn’t want me to, said it was too painful so we never really spoke about him (ex was abusive). Anyway at the time we were together I never told the children about this half sibling. I was reading something the other day which got me thinking about my children not knowing about their half sibling. I decided it would be best to tell them once they are older (adults probably) as my children (daughter especially) already struggles with not having a dad, it really effecting her. It seems pointless telling them as nothing will come of it and just seems like it will do more harm than good.

Just want to know if am doing the right thing waiting till They are older to speak about it? Has anyone been in this situation or a similar situation and have any advice?

I would absolutely tell them sooner rather than later or you risk damaging their trust in you. My dad had an older son he didn’t have much to do with. I met him a handful of times as a child. It would have been really weird and I would have felt really hurt if no one had told me. I haven’t heard anything from him in 20+ years but it’s an important to at least know he exists. Also helped me to make sense of why my dad was just a twat - it clearly wasn’t me, he treated his other child like that too.

The other side of that is that I have a good friend whose dad had 3 kids with his first wife that were hidden from my friend growing up. But her dad was from a particular place that is quite nice to go to on holiday. They always went there every year as a family. Not surprisingly her dad had also once taken his older children there. They still went back on holiday every year as young adults (probably because it reminded them of their dad who’d fucked off with a new wife). One day on holiday my friend got talking to some other people on a day out without her parents (she was 14/15 then). They compared stories and realised they were siblings! It pretty much broke her that her parents had spent her whole life concocting this elaborate lie about her life and being her dad’s only child. She went off the rails on drugs for many years and got pregnant at 16. She’s well and happy now and healed her relationship with her family eventually. But it was horrible to go through at the time and really messed with her head.

You'd be surprised, OP. Teenagers are very resourceful and remember the DCs have mutual cousins/uncles/aunts, his mum may well be friends with a friend of your ex on FB etc etc.

My DS has ADHD and some ASD features (poor social communication) and we still need to tell him this stuff. He has a warm place in his heart for one brother in particular even though he rarely sees him.

You really shouldn't keep secrets like this from your kids. It's toxic. Best for them to know from a young age. If they ask questions you don't know the answer to, just tell them you don't know.

I was referring to support from the children with disabilities team or whatever they are called in your area. Please don't shut down opportunities for your dd because of anxiety about "social services" being involved.
She has a lifelong condition and may require support as an adult.

ive been in your childrens position and trust me they will feel anger if you leave telling them too late. I found out at 14 and i felt like id been lied to my whole life. I was confused and hurt why they hadnt told me when i was young. If i was you OP id tell them as soon as possible. Me and Dsis have a great relationship now btw

I’m still really undecided but I’m taking all the comments on board. I might still wait till they are slightly older (around 12) but I do take the comments on board, I think dd knowing that it’s not just her is swaying me a lot and the only real positive I can see from telling them. The younger kids don’t seem to fussed as he has only met the youngest ( dd who is 2) 3 times and the second youngest is only 5 so doesn’t have much memory of ex. I don’t really see it as lying as if they were to ask me if their fatehr had any other children I would ofcourse tell them.

My dad can’t really be more involved as he is disabled (wheelchair user) and lives quite far away. It’s hard travelling with young 4 children on my own so we don’t visit very often.

The younger the better in my experience too. I've not had to do it myself but my brother's first wife kept his son from him. He told his twin daughters about their brother from when they were very small, younger kids accept these things much easier than teens. They may also consider it a betrayal if they learn that you knew all along and didn't tell them. You don't have to make it a big deal, your daughter may even find that having a brother out there is a comfort rather than something to add to her abandonment feelings.

Do you have any means of finding the ex and this brother?

Bear in mind that at 12 she will likely be in the middle of hormone overload city. Younger is better OP. So much better. She will likely cope better than you think.

I've been 9n the receiving end of this level of family "secret", 16 is far too old like pp said!
In my case I found out early 20s but even now many years later I feel an immense sense of anger and betrayal and incredibility they they thought it best to keep quiet during my childhood - that decision has harmed my parental relationship badly. Not the secret, but the being one of the few to hide the truth from.
I didn't need full details, age appropriate is fine, but total ignorance was the wrong decision.

I definitely think the idea that the abandonment is not 'personal' could help all your dc including dd (8).

Children can harbour deep insecurities and sense of responsibility for an absent parent

Some torment themselves with "what did I do wrong .." or sometimes "what did mum do to force him away " Knowing that their father has a history, gives them an understanding that their father had some major faults, not them or their dm.

My son has a half brother and half sister on his dad's side. He met the brother but when he was about 2 and had forgotten about him. He never met the sister because she was born after my ex stopped having contact. The brother was subsequently abandoned by his father and his mother was unable to care for him and he has been adopted.

I didn't tell him at the time because it came as a shock to me and we were also TTC at the time and being fairly unsuccessful which upset DS1 (he wanted a brother/sister). The possibility of contact even with the sister is extremely remote.

Anyway it bothered me so much I eventually told him when he was 10. I apologised for not having said anything before, and I said I had waited until I felt he was older to be able to process it. He said that this was the right decision, and he didn't think he'd have understood before. Anyway, he now knows, it is no longer a secret and it wasn't as traumatic or upsetting as I thought it would be. He just accepted it.

Having been a child in this situation & not known about 2 older siblings until I was 12, I'd say just tell them.
The sooner you do it, the less big a thing it becomes. No good ever came from keeping secrets.

Thanks BertieBotts that’s interesting to hear. I’m glad your son didn’t hold any resentment about it, I don’t think my DCs would either. I think they would understand the reasons. If they had contact with their dad it would be a different story and I would think it was more important that they knew but obviously they don’t and like I said we have no contact with anyone from his side whatsoever

I’d tell them, your daughter might feel more in control of the situation if she has all the facts. It may cause problems for your relationship down the toad if they find out later.

I am with those who say as young as possible. I learnt at age 26 that I had a half sister. As much as I can understand it's never the right time - need to be old enough to understand, need to avoid a potentially difficult time when either my full sister or I aren't changing schools, dealing with a health issue, doing exams, moving to uni, etc... there's never going to be a great time, and once I finally knew, it just made me question everything my parents had ever told me. If they could keep something so big from me, without me having any clue, what else didn't I know? I still have issues with trustin people over 20 years later. (I have been through counselling, which helped.)

I think having some awareness that you have siblings would be better from a young age than waiting till adulthood. Obviously it needs to be age (and autism) appropriate, but still sooner rather than later, because there's never a perfect time.

Good luck.

PumpkinP can you set your dad up with skype or facetime?

Wrt counseling, I really think you need to find a way to get some for DD, even if it means bringing all four to appointments and sitting in the waiting area with them. Art therapy or play therapy might be the way to go for your DD. Sessions wouldn't involve anyone other than the therapist and DD.

I had to bring older siblings to obstetrician appointments monthly, and to a level 2 ultrasound when expecting my youngest at age 36 as well as 12 week scans for everyone younger than DD1. They were right there in the room with me every time. People manage it.

I’ve got a half sister who is estranged from my dad and has been since she was a child. My parents told me about her when I was 11. I was so upset with them and really resented them. I contacted her when I was 20 and now have a great relationship with her