Waiting till DC are older to tell them this?

[PumpkinP]

Just want to know what people though on this situation. I have 4 children with my ex. He is absent and has been for a few years (this is his choice). Anyway he has an older son who he also doesn’t have contact with. He always told me the mother had stopped contact and in my defence I was young and naive when I met him and he was my first relationship, so I took his word for it. I now realise that probably wasn’t the case since he now doesn’t bother with my children either.

I was never allowed to speak about his child as he didn’t want me to, said it was too painful so we never really spoke about him (ex was abusive). Anyway at the time we were together I never told the children about this half sibling. I was reading something the other day which got me thinking about my children not knowing about their half sibling. I decided it would be best to tell them once they are older (adults probably) as my children (daughter especially) already struggles with not having a dad, it really effecting her. It seems pointless telling them as nothing will come of it and just seems like it will do more harm than good.

Just want to know if am doing the right thing waiting till They are older to speak about it? Has anyone been in this situation or a similar situation and have any advice?

Like I said I won’t be contacting the mother for various reasons but I don’t have any of her details even if I wanted. And I wont be contacting ex to get them either, I wouldn’t contact him under any circumstances.

I think you have to account for people not minding their own business and its better for your children to hear it from you, rather than find it on the internet. For instance the SIL I mentioned above, her Daughter put her version of the family tree up on the internet with everyone named except her direct line. According to her ''research'' I was the 3rd spouse for my Husband with various amounts of children to each of the other two spouses before me (I'm his first wife actually, two were defactos, one with the earlier mentioned child). Had our daughter stumbled on that before I did and without knowing (I was successful in having it taken down) I cannot imagine the upset of wondering who these other children were... people can be horrid.

Be honest. DC have a easier time excepting certain things.
My niece's boyfriend is 19, he found out at 18 his dad although not with his mum has 2 other older children.
It has been tough on him.

I saw she's only 8 missed that. She will probably big him up in her mind as a big brother and want contact.
Would you be comfortable arranging it.

I would go with your gut feeling. You know your kids and family best. Waiting until they are more mature and can manage it might well be for the best.

My dd got great benefit out of having a relationship with her older half-sisters particularly since they don't have a relationship with their father. It was very helpful for dd to see them role modeling being happy healthy women without having contact with their dad. I would highly recommend establishing contact with the half-sibling as soon as possible. Although you may want to first determine that he's stable before you initiate contact for your dc's.

I think your first priority is to get help for your DD.

If you feel you can't approach the school for counseling for her, then please trawl through Amazon looking for books that explain that families come in all different shapes and sizes and that one with 'just' a mum is a perfectly fine family, and also books dealing with grief and abandonment.
You won't find many on abandonment, sad to say. It's an issue that affects hundreds of thousands of children and there is precious little written for them that they can approach on their own level.

So I would try really hard to put any friction between you and the school behind you and pester them for counseling for your DD and actually the rest of your children too. (Though you are naturally preoccupied with your poor DD and her quest for an alternative dad, your other DCs are also feeling grief and pain at the loss they have suffered.)

Meanwhile, try to put forth the massive effort to do things as a family. A cheesy family game night, a family walk once a week, a family movie night with popcorn on the couch, family photos stuck on a noticeboard that is displayed prominently, and notes to the children from you expressing affection, appreciation, and encouragement might all go down well and reinforce the idea that you are a viable and solid family regardless of the shit that has been dumped on you all from a great height.

Is there any way your father could make a visit every once in a while? Could you visit him? Or could he and your DD facetime or skype, or somehow talk to each other and develop an affectionate relationship?

I would tell the children when they are young teens (12/13ish) if they are all close in age.

If they're not close in age then you are looking at older ones keeping quite a big secret until the younger ones catch up.
What is the age spread?

When you talk to the children about their father leaving, make sure you emphasise over and over again that this was nothing to do with them, that you and he split up only for reasons to do with the relationship between the two of you, not anything to do with the children, and that his choice not to have anything more to do with the family is down to a character flaw in him, again not at all related to any of them. This is so hard for children but you have to be very explicit.

Make sure they all know you are there to chat and that no feeling of theirs about their father is unacceptable. They may have great fondness for them despite all. This will be hard for you.

The fact that he doesn't see his other DC either proves that he is not good at being a dad and is absolutely not their fault

I agree with this. I think to know he has abandoned other children would make me feel a bit better in your DD’s position. It’s not personal. It’sst that he’s a bad person and doesn’t know how to be a dad.

I knew from an early age that I had an older brother out there somewhere. There's always some spiteful twat who will say something and enjoy it.
As a teen, I was paranoid about meeting him and gave males an interrogation lol.
All I knew was his mums' name.
Distance makes no difference either. We are hundreds of miles away from each other. He contacted me through FB.

You say because the child doesn't know your details, so they won't contact. The child will know their dads' name which would be used to search for siblings. So at 16, the dc's may already know.

Plus how would it work waiting until they all reach 16? You would also have to include the older ones in this secret.

See the gp about getting support for your dd. Although suprised the school haven't already mentioned something if she's calling the teachers dad.

What is her understanding about what a dad is?

As an adult who never knew her biological father and has unknown siblings out there somewhere I would say tell them now. As a psychotherapist working mainly with the 16-25 age range imsaynthe same thing.

It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Just mention it when conversation or a news story or a story line in a soap lends itself to it. Something like ‘Your dad has other children too that he doesn’t see. Maybe you’ll meet them when you are grown up’ and then answer questions in an honest age appropriate way. They don’t need to hear that he’s a wasteless shirker with no morals or decency (if that’s the case they’ll work it out for themselves when they are older), just that he's a nice man who isn’t very good at doing the important, grown up things like being a dad.

It might be a shock to your DD now, but it will be a much bigger shock if you wait until she is older and it will be made even worse because you intentionally witheld the truth from her for years. She already has a dad she can’t rely on, keeping this truth from her risks undermining her trust in you also.

My best friend was 14 when she found out that the dad who had abandoned her had gone on to have another child and she had a brother she did not know. She was absolutely devastated. She is in her 50s now and still talks about the shock and upset of it at sometimes. The combination of teenage angst and this discovery was overwhelming.

Your immediate problem is your daughter’s presentation. You need to access counselling for her swiftly. Then you need to tell your children. Worry about dealing with the fall-out is perfectly natural, but you need to do it nonetheless. Putting it off will make the fall out worse when it eventually happens. Good luck.

My children’s father had another child he didn’t see (not his choice, but shock horror, didn’t fight to see her). I told my kids from the day they were born about her. I never wanted it to be a big secret. We have no contact, and they’ve never met her but they know all about her.

You should tell them ASAP

Similar situation to you, right down to the taking his word for it then realising later when he did the same to me and DD.

DD is 5 and she knows about her half sibling as I didn't want it to be a bombshell she struggles to get her head around later on. Hope it works. Only problem I have come up against is she went to school and told her friend and the friend did that typical child thing of claiming she knows the half sibling and DD got quite upset until I reassured her she definitely doesn't.

Half sibling is almost an adult and they know dad had another baby so maybe they will get in touch, maybe they won't but I have told DD this as gently as I could. She seems fine up to now so I hope she is quite matter of fact about it as she grows up.

Get DD into therapy. I struggled with not having a dad and my hormonal teenage years really got nasty with anger. I’m great now but had two awful years. Took my mum to hell and back.

How old is their half brother? In his teens now? Then there is every chance he knows about you and as soon as one of your DC starts using social media he could trace them and get in contact. Your ex could decide to visit someday and tell them for who knows what reason. You can't control a secret like this indefinitely. And the damage that will be done to your relationship with your children if they find out by other means is huge.

You need to start preparing to tell them and do so sooner rather than later. Maybe not right now while your DD is clearly suffering but honestly, I'd be planning on doing it at some point in early 2020. Delaying with this is only kicking the can down the road and the longer you wait the worse it will hurt them because then the issue is them not being able to trust you, not the existence of a brother.

Yes, OP the fact that your dd is autistic does make a difference. It will affect how she understands and feels wbout the situation and will affect how she should be supported.
Unfortunately there are nowhere near enough asd specific mental health professionals.
My experience of camhs is that beyond diagnosing, they are not very well equipped to offer support tailored to children with asds.
But you may be more fortunate.

Seeing things through her eyes is important not just as an 8 year old but as an autistic 8 year old.
Her thinking may be quite 'black and white' which could explain her behaviour e.g. Daddy leaving made me unhappy therefore a new daddy would make me happy again.
She may not be able to access counselling in the same way as a NT child because her thought processes are likely to be more rigid.
Anxiety is also a major factor for most people on the spectrum so her experience wil be heightened.
She may be driven by the need to maintain things as "the same" or she may be driven by a need to control things, both asd characteristics.
And for many autistic girls life becones more challenging as they get older. Many don't get identified until this age. So, her struggles may also indicate that that her neurodiversity is having a greater impact on her life generally.
Does she receive support from asd outreach at school? Does she have an ehcp?
I don't want to suggest I know your dd or what is happening for her, but i do know that many autistic girls really struggle in junior school when infant school was fine.
Add in the emotional trauma of abandonment and it doesn't surprise me that her behaviour is causing concern.
I would strongly recommend looking for asd specific help for your dd.
Good luck.

Why wouldn’t you try to reach out to the mother and see if you can form a relationship between the children?

I know of 2 people who’s mums did just that and in both cases have been wonderful for the children.

How would counselling work? I don’t have any child care so would have to bring all 4 to the appointment? She does have a ehcp yes and full 1:1 at school but like I said I don’t have the best relationship with the school and have had many issues with them and honestly find them rather judgey!

I won’t be contacting the mother as I don’t want to and I don’t want her in mine or my children’s lives. If the children want to have a relationship when they are adults then that is up to them. Ex won’t be coming back and visiting as I won’t allow it.

Why wouldn’t you try to reach out to the mother and see if you can form a relationship between the children?

I can think of many reasons. Its like adopted children tracing birth families, not every situation is like an episode of Long Lost Families . It sounds like the OP is focusing on her 4 dc and trying to establish stability for them.

My dd has half siblings she's known all her life, but they don't have the same connection with her that they do with eachother and that has been a source of great distress for her.

Do you get social care support via ehcp? Im thinking of direct oayments for PA or support worker out of school?
Is dd involved with camhs?

Are you a member of your local NAS?
You may get support and advice .
It sounds like you could do with more family support

No I don’t want SS involved and don’t have them involved. They briefly contacted me over ex, there is a big story to that but it’s potentially outing in that he was violent to me and has severe mental health problems.

Forgot to add that the child is 12. Genuine question but how would he track them down if he doesn’t know any of their names? They don’t have exes surname either and he also doesn’t, ex isn’t on his bc as he said the mum didn’t let him come to register the child.

We are adoptive parents and the rule is that children should know everything in the basics right from the start, and all the details - including most of the adult stuff - before their teens.
So my two are 5 and 7 and know about all birth siblings that we know about and will need to know details of why their birth parents can't look after them, including illegal and semi-secret stuff, by the time they are 12 or so.

If you tell them when they're older teens then they aren't just finding out that they have a sibling, they're finding out that their mother has intentionally lied to them for their whole life, slap bang in the middle of one of the toughest times in life with hormones, exams, and general teenage angst and rebellion.

You should tell them. The fall out will likely be a lot easier to deal with when they're younger.